ARTHUR 2011

Poffy The Cucumber

Lost between the Moon and New York City. The only way to enjoy ARTHUR (2011), the story of an alcoholic billionaire, is to be an alcoholic billionaire yourself. That way, your brain won’t sizzle with the fury of forced relinquishment of your tax dollars to thug corporate billionaires, who rewarded themselves for crashing the economy by giving themselves bonuses with … Read More

DUDE, WHERE’S MY CAR?

Poffy The Cucumber

Driving Mister Moron. DUDE, WHERE’S MY CAR? is to Ashton Kutcher what BILL AND TED’S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE is to Keanu Reeves – an inauspicious, downright idiotic introduction to the filmic world before taking over said world. (Kutcher’s character name is even phonetically like Theodore Logan Esquire – Jesse Montgomery III.) Numbnut Jesse (Kutcher) wakes after a drunken night with his … Read More

JUNO

Poffy The Cucumber

Verging on Virgin-on-Virgin. I know that JUNO was a big hit with the pedophiles and sweaty-mouthed goons trying to catch a glimpse of sugartit, but I just have to get this off my flat green chest: Sorry Jason Reitman (director) and Diablo Cody (writer), but this movie doesn’t exist in a vacuum. Are you trying to purvey the underage pregnant … Read More

THE INVENTION OF LYING

Poffy The Cucumber

More Invention Required. Something funny happened to Ricky Gervais on his way to becoming a film star: something funny stopped happening. THE INVENTION OF LYING starts as a fantastic original idea, fleshed into hilarious absurdity by Gervais, then slips in the puddle of Romantic Comedy – and you know what happens when you hit your brain on that pavement. In … Read More

GHOSTS OF GIRLFRIENDS PAST

Poffy The Cucumber

Ghost of Dickens Past turns in his grave. Many filmmakers still feel obligated to pay homage to the marriage and reproduction rituals of the mainstream culture. — Keay Davidson, Carl Sagan, A Life. Men, when you’re dragged by your fem-boss like the vagina-whipped pussy you’ve become, to see GHOSTS OF GIRLFRIENDS PAST, at least take solace in the film’s educative … Read More

PEARL HARBOR

Poffy The Cucumber

Pearl Before Swine. In garish detail and stunning investigative probing, PEARL HARBOR digs deep below the surface of the gasoline embargoes and jingoistic fomenting and reveals exactly what this WWII conflict was all about – the love triangle between three young American Models. You see, Ben loves Kate. And Kate loves Ben. But Ben’s best friend, Josh, also likes Kate. … Read More

THE KINGDOM

Poffy The Cucumber

My Kingdom for a (war)horse… If LIONS FOR LAMBS was the cerebral, intelligent take on the Iraq War, THE KINGDOM is the action-packed, piss-your-pants rejoinder – both written by Matthew Michael Carnahan (who should probably be investigated by the CIA for all the inside information he brings to these military stories). Peter Berg starred in LIONS as a strong, sure … Read More