RAPTURE-PALOOZA

Poffy The Cucumber

Apoca-Lips and a great rack. It’s The Apocalypse, and everything is pretty much the same… except the Anti-Christ is Walking The Earth and trying to get off with your girlfriend. RAPTURE-PALOOZA is atheistic, irreverent and very funny, with just the right amount of C-cup. Just the way I like it. For those irreligious and sensible enough not to know what … Read More

BAD TEACHER

Poffy The Cucumber

BAD TEACHER not good. It’s commendable that Cameron Diaz would go to such great lengths to portray someone so despicable and “ugly,” but BAD TEACHER doesn’t do her any justice, being even more despicable and ugly. Foul-mouthed gold-digger Elizabeth (Diaz) takes a teaching job for a year while she cultivates her sugar daddy into marriage. When he dumps her before … Read More

WAG THE DOG

Poffy The Cucumber

Conflation Nation. “Of course there’s a war – I saw it on TV.” –Robert De Niro, WAG THE DOG. War is only real if you let them get away with it. As George Carlin used to say, “Why do the troops keep turning up?” But even if the troops didn’t turn up for active duty, WAG THE DOG is an … Read More

THE UGLY TRUTH

Poffy The Cucumber

Uglier than we can imagine. THE UGLY TRUTH seems to be telling us that strong, intelligent women are not desirable, or at least, not as alluring as eye-candy T&A who exhibit only as much brainpower as required to breathe and fuck. Why does the movie make its leading lady an ambitious, intelligent, decisive woman until she is in the proximity … Read More

G.I. JANE

Poffy The Cucumber

FEMper Fi. If she wants to play lumberjack, she’s gonna have to learn to handle her end of the log. — Dirty Harry, THE ENFORCER. Demi Moore tries to prove she’s got a dick. As Jordan O’Neill, Demi goes action figure in G.I. JANE and claws her rambunctious way through man-sized basic training to be a Navy SEAL in this … Read More

YES MAN

Poffy The Cucumber

YES means Mo.’ In YES MAN, anti-social Carl (Jim Carrey) has been sinking lower into negativity since leaving his girl, Stephanie (Molly Sims), making dumb excuses not to attend any social events with his friends, turning down loan applications at his job, saying ‘no’ to life in general, spending every night blankly watching DVDs in his apartment. Kinda like you’re … Read More

WALK HARD: THE DEWEY COX STORY

Poffy The Cucumber

Laugh Hard. Musicians: this one’s for us. WALK HARD is not for Guitar Hero fakers or karaoke jackasses or talentless DJs with the audacity to call their fade-ups and fade-downs “mixing.” Let me say it again: WALK HARD is for MUSICIANS; for we who have lived the road, beaten the boards, spanked the groupies, trashed the dressing room, fart-filled the … Read More