SOLO: A STAR WARS STORY

Poffy The Cucumber

Oh Han, where did you Kessel Run to? What we do in life – echoes in eternity. — Russell Crowe as Maximus, GLADIATOR Just how did Han Solo come by his beloved Millennium Falcon? (He told us in Episode IV he won it gambling.) And how did he get his trusty blaster? (Uh, I guess he either bought it, stole … Read More

KNIGHT AND DAY

Poffy The Cucumber

Mission: Implausible. A movie built around its stunts. Ergo, if the audience was purely stuntpeople, KNIGHT AND DAY is awesome! But we’re just regular little cucumbers out here in the fluttering dark. As much as it thrills me to see a car flip over and miss Tom Cruise’s head by inches (even though thrills would have magnified had it connected), … Read More

GIGLI

Poffy The Cucumber

To tear or wear off the skin of; abrade; to condemn, decry, objurgate… GIGLI is an insult to gangsters, Italians, homosexuals, Al Pacino, lesbians, actors, retards, and even David Hasselhoff. First mistake: the movie’s name, and then having Gigli himself explain its pronunciation, like it was a running gag that was funny. Second mistake: Ben Affleck as Gigli, trying to … Read More