HAIL, CAESAR!

Poffy The Cucumber

Would that it were so sequitur. Maybe the fault is mine. Maybe I just don’t “get” the Coen Brothers’ vision of the world’s randomness and disjointedness, but here’s another of their writer-director efforts where I just can’t see the point, unless it’s to make George Clooney look like a lovable buffoon again. Or to watch Channing Tatum dance. In both … Read More

THE WOLF OF WALL STREET

Poffy The Cucumber

Illegal Money Never Sleeps. Leonardo DiCaprio overacts his way into the heart of Wall Street, into the pants of hookers and into federal jail. He’s playing a real life character, stockbroker Jordan Belfort, THE WOLF OF WALL STREET, whom I hope is at this moment dying a slow, horrible death from cancer of the knob… The problem with millionaires like … Read More

HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON 2

Poffy The Cucumber

Stop Dragon my Bewilderbeast around. In HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON 2, Jay Baruchel returns as Hiccup the Viking with his small black dragon. And his pet named Toothless. In this sequel to 2010’s HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON, Hiccup faces off with an enemy attacking his village with a horde of dragons, and proves how wrong it is to … Read More

HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON

Poffy The Cucumber

Spanking the Dragon. Should I assume HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON is a sex manual on controlling premature ejaculation? Oh, a cartoon about a Viking boy that learns understanding and tolerance after befriending a dragon. (Still, that blond chick’s pretty hot for a cartoon; ‘scuse me while I train my dragon…) TRAIN YOUR DRAGON is Dreamworks, but like the greatest … Read More

THE SITTER 2011

Poffy The Cucumber

Somewhere over the pain flow. Jonah Hill as the Wizard of Oz! Over the course of the unfunny road comedy, THE SITTER, where Hill finds himself babysitting three of the most annoying kids in the world, he reveals to each of them their true inner desires that are causing them to improperly channel their energies into being three of the … Read More

THE LEGO MOVIE

Poffy The Cucumber

Will knock your block off! THE LEGO MOVIE is a maximus overload of cinematic revelry; a riotous brick house of bedazzlement. Action, spectacle, romance, cultural refs, fueled by goodness and badness and cuteness. And millions and millions of Lego bricks. Emmett Brickowski (voice of Chris Pratt) is a little Lego man, with perfect Lego hair, living in a perfect Lego … Read More

THE WATCH

Poffy The Cucumber

Don’t WATCH. THE WATCH  is supposedly a comedy. But it’s funny how no one’s laughing. Written by Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg (the dynamic duo that brought us SUPERBAD and PINEAPPLE EXPRESS), this tale of four suburbanites who start a Neighborhood Watch group to catch a murderer, and discover they must defend the world against an extra-terrestrial invasion, seems to … Read More

MONEYBALL

Poffy The Cucumber

When Statistics Became Sexy. Brad Pitt ends MONEYBALL with, “How can you not be romantic about baseball?” which is ironic, because he just spent the whole movie deconstructing The Great American Pastime’s romanticism with “sabermetrics” (a clinical mathematical process that focuses purely on statistics to choose players), wheeling and dealing at the highest levels of the baseball industry with wrath-of-God … Read More

STRANGE WILDERNESS

Poffy The Cucumber

Wild(ly retarded) Kingdom. STRANGE WILDERNESS is one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen in my life. It’s not just the worst comedy, it’s not just the worst road movie, it’s not just the worst buddy movie or redemption movie or animal movie I’ve seen; it is simply the worst MOVIE. Period. In an effort to staunch failing ratings after … Read More

FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL

Poffy The Cucumber

I’ve already forgotten. Forgettable romantic comedy about a jilted guy who takes a Hawaiian vacation alone to forget the girl who jilted him, only to find she is on the island, in the same hotel, ultimately in the room next door – with her new boyfriend. Beige, uncomfortable laughs ensue. Redeeming factors of FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL: Judd Apatow is producer, … Read More

CYRUS

Poffy The Cucumber

Hell hath no fury like an Oedipal Complex scorned. Jonah Hill hasn’t been taking his Oedipal Complex pills! Don’t you hate it when the funniest parts are all in the trailers? ALL in the trailers. CYRUS is told in 1 minute and 30 seconds: Lonely John (John C. Reilly) meets fun chick Molly (Marisa Tomei) at a party; she is … Read More

GET HIM TO THE GREEK

Poffy The Cucumber

Going Greek: it only hurts if you’re sober. Drugs, bitches, rock stars, alcohol poisoning – geez! GET HIM TO THE GREEK is like one of my regular Tuesdays. In this Judd Apatow-produced road movie, Aaron Green (Jonah Hill, looking like a grounded zeppelin) has three days to get British rock legend Aldous Snow (Russell Brand, intensity of a charged defibrillator) from … Read More

THE INVENTION OF LYING

Poffy The Cucumber

More Invention Required. Something funny happened to Ricky Gervais on his way to becoming a film star: something funny stopped happening. THE INVENTION OF LYING starts as a fantastic original idea, fleshed into hilarious absurdity by Gervais, then slips in the puddle of Romantic Comedy – and you know what happens when you hit your brain on that pavement. In … Read More

FUNNY PEOPLE

Poffy The Cucumber

Apatow’s Magnum Scrotus. High comedy, intense drama, and lots and lots of dick jokes. FUNNY PEOPLE is the best movie Adam Sandler has ever made. Because it’s a Judd Apatow movie. In it, he offers us his vulnerable “human” character (as he did in SPANGLISH, REIGN OVER ME), not his insufferable, jutting-jawed imbecile (BILLY MADISON, THE WATERBOY), or his “pretend … Read More

HORTON HEARS A WHO

Poffy The Cucumber

For Whom The Who Tolls. An animated feature that kids will enjoy and adults will find tiresome, HORTON HEARS A WHO! is a Dr. Seuss tale about Horton the elephant in the jungle of Nool, discovering a microscopic city called Whoville on a speck of dust, and vowing to the microscopic mayor to transport the speck to a safe place … Read More

SUPERBAD

Poffy The Cucumber

Superbad: The Quest for Piece. It’s juvenile. It’s simple. It’s stupid. But it’s so good, it’s SUPERBAD. For the Now Generation of nerds. The age-old tale of three underage dorks on a quest for alcohol and chicks in one eventful night, where life happens while they’re trying to live it. We’ve seen this all before (DAZED AND CONFUSED, 1993; THE … Read More

KNOCKED UP

Poffy The Cucumber

Stretchmark Benchmark. Marriage is an institution. And you have to be crazy to be in an institution. — Gene Simmons. One could say KNOCKED UP is writer-director Judd Apatow’s baby – and as malformed as the rest of his hobgoblin brood. Seth Rogen is Ben, a shiftless layabout (rooming with a menagerie of oafs: Jason Segel, Jay Baruchel, Jonah Hill, … Read More

ACCEPTED

Poffy The Cucumber

Entirely Unacceptable. In the tiresome ACCEPTED, Justin Long is Bartleby Gaines, rejected from a series of reputable colleges. To appease his parents, he forges an acceptance letter to a fake college, and then finds he must create an actual campus to follow through with his ruse. So is born the South Harmon Institute of Technology (the sophomoric acronym S.H.I.T. used … Read More