WAR FOR THE PLANET OF THE APES

Poffy The Cucumber

You maniacs! You blew it up!… WAR FOR THE PLANET OF THE APES concludes the modern APES trilogy started in 2011 with RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES. An epic film doing its best to capture the immensity of a protracted battle between two species for the stewardship of a planet, it succeeds on many intellectual and technical levels, … Read More

Spread the love
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  

ANT-MAN AND THE WASP

Poffy The Cucumber

Quantum Cop-Out! ANT-MAN AND THE WASP cops out on its grandest concept – the quantum realm! In ANT-MAN (2015), Dr. Hank Pym warned Ant-Man not to turn off his regulator, for fear of shrinking too small and entering the Quantum Realm, “…where all concepts of time and space become irrelevant as you shrink for all eternity.” The key phrase – … Read More

Spread the love
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  

ANT-MAN

Poffy The Cucumber

Ants with frickin’ laser beams attached to their heads! Who woulda thought OUR IDIOT BROTHER would become a superhero? Paul Rudd is the eminently likable yet totally miscast lead in Marvel’s ANT-MAN, a movie with excitement as small as its titular hero. Master electrician and not-so-master burglar Scott Lang (Rudd) is recruited by reputable scientist Hank Pym (Michael Douglas) to … Read More

Spread the love
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  

CARRIE 2013

Poffy The Cucumber

Rebooted and Re-Blonded. The classic Stephen King novel is remade for a new generation of bullied hot girls. CARRIE is the awkward, bullied outcast at school; her mother is a religious fanatic self-flagellator who regularly imprisons Carrie in the Prayer Closet to atone for whatever sins she has committed by being a girl. With the onset of her period, Carrie … Read More

Spread the love
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  

JURASSIC WORLD

Poffy The Cucumber

Indominus Wrecks. Raptor wrangler Owen says it perfectly, when Jurassic World supervisor Claire tells him they’ve created a new dinosaur artificially, “Corporate felt genetic modification would up the wow factor.” Owen replies, “They’re dinosaurs – wow enough.” In trying to flex their rex, JURASSIC WORLD jumps the shark. Owen’s summation is the perfect metaphor for this movie. The original Crichton-penned/Spielberg-directed … Read More

Spread the love
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  

DAWN OF THE PLANET OF THE APES

Poffy The Cucumber

This is the Dawning of the Age of A-Hairy-Ass… How embarrassing! Conquered by people who don’t wear pants. DAWN OF THE PLANET OF THE APES starts exactly where RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES (2011) left off, with a killer virus spreading via a world map, extinguishing the human species except for a few pockets of immunes. 8 years … Read More

Spread the love
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  

THE VILLAGE

Poffy The Cucumber

Mythed it by that much. Somewhere between expectancy and deliverance – lies M. Night Shyamalan‘s THE VILLAGE. The people of an Amish-styled village share an uneasy truce with the mysterious beasts that haunt the surrounding woods – until a blind girl courageously braves the woods on a mission of mercy. The people of Covington lead an idyllic Old World existence, … Read More

Spread the love
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  

HENRY’S CRIME

Poffy The Cucumber

Even-keeled heel steals. He did the time for a bank robbery he didn’t commit. Now that he’s out, he’s really gonna rob that bank. Nice Concept. Might look implausible if the actors don’t tread delicately with utmost conviction. Or unless you can find an actor that stands outside the field of acting altogether and can retain a blank poker face … Read More

Spread the love
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  

LOVE HAPPENS

Poffy The Cucumber

Shit Happens. Two blond white American upper-class people fall in love. Through all the adversity of being blond and white and American. Who coulda seen that coming? Florist Eloise (Jennifer Aniston, in continuance from ROCK STAR) and self-help guru Burke (Aaron Eckhart, in continuance from THANK YOU FOR SMOKING) Meet Cute while Burke is touring Seattle giving self-help seminars. And “love” … Read More

Spread the love
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •