FANTASTIC FOUR 2015

Poffy The Cucumber

Mo’ dark, mo’ fantastic. I honestly don’t see the problem with the maligned 2015 reboot FANTASTIC FOUR, the dark rendition of Marvel’s longest-running superhero team (first published 1961). Good acting, strong themes (involving family, alienation and teamwork), and an eerie discomfiture surrounding the unearthly “powers” of the protagonists, rather than blind, childish, do-gooder acceptance. And featuring the barbecue-rib guy from … Read More

TRANSCENDENCE

Poffy The Cucumber

Blandcendence. Johnny versus JARVIS in a battle to the terabyte. Johnny Depp is artificial intelligence scientist Will Caster, who is on the verge of creating the ultimate A.I. computer, when he is gunned down by an anti-tech extremist. Before Will dies, his wife Evelyn (Rebecca Hall) and their scientist best friend Max (Paul Bettany aka Iron Man’s Computer J.A.R.V.I.S.) transfer … Read More

THE MARTIAN

Poffy The Cucumber

Home Alone 6: Kevin on Mars. Well, he’s not really a Martian. He’s an Earthling. And he’s overstaying his visit on Mars without a Green Card. Stranded, with not enough supplies to survive until the next crew arrives, astronaut Mark Watley quips: “I’m gonna have to Science the shit out of this!” THE MARTIAN is a striking, intelligent film, from … Read More

127 HOURS

Poffy The Cucumber

Arm-ageddon. Pain – is such a rush! This – is pain! Fabulous! — Brad from BACHELOR PARTY. Betcha when Aron Ralston started his canyon hike that Saturday morning, he didn’t think that by 10 a.m. he’d be swimming in a subterranean cavern with two hot chicks, that by Wednesday he’d be drinking his own urine and that by Thursday he’d … Read More

IRON MAN 2

Poffy The Cucumber

Jumping the Stark. The first IRON MAN movie was a planet-crusher. IRON MAN 2, well, maybe it could crush a small moon or something. It’s still a full-fledged, fun-filled ferrous romp, but, like all superhero sequels, suffers from cramming us with characters and classic storylines in its desperate need to impress. My hole feels stretched. Not in that good way … Read More

ZOOM

Poffy The Cucumber

Dumber Than a Speeding Bullet. This movie made me weep with emotion. I had no idea a movie could be THIS FREAKIN’ BAD. Oh, of course – Chevy Chase is in it. ‘Nuff said. Tim Allen is retired superhero Zoom (think: The Flash as a doughy guy), called back into service by the secret government agency (aren’t they all?) that … Read More

SHOOTER

Poffy The Cucumber

Shooter is Sharp but Misses the Marky. SHOOTER achieves that balance between action, political skullduggery, pretty orange explosions and Mark Wahlberg’s big guns (and I don’t mean his military sniper rifles), which notches it a cut above most political thrillers of its paranoid ilk – until its pat ending. With his shrapnel-explosive performance in THE DEPARTED, Wahlberg shrugged off the … Read More

BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN

Poffy The Cucumber

Brokeback Mountin’: a true American Love Story (formulaic, clichéd and dull). THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES meets The Gays of Our Lives, director Ang Lee’s BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN is an ambitious yet maudlin, slightly above-average American love story. Slightly. Only American love stories have such easily-defined plot arcs; only American love stories cull the prettiest protagonists as their principals; only American … Read More