THE CHRISTMAS CHRONICLES

Poffy The Cucumber

Even Kurt Klaus kan’t save kristmas. If you thought Kurt Russell could save THE CHRISTMAS CHRONICLES idiocy by Being Kurt Russell, well… almost. But it’s getting harder and harder to polish these christmas turds, as screenwriters must deal with children who every year get more and more sophisticated. And trying to explain away magic as science is sounding stupider and … Read More

ONCE UPON A TIME IN HOLLYWOOD

Poffy The Cucumber

A film that takes us somewhere, yet goes nowhere. Quentin Tarantino once again brazenly rewrites history in his scintillating homage to La La Land of the 1960s, ONCE UPON A TIME IN HOLLYWOOD. Hollywood 1969. Two tales intertwine – one, a tale of an actor and his stuntman, hustling for work in a business that has moved past their cowboy … Read More

GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY VOL. 2

Poffy The Cucumber

Badness and Sadness on the Superhero Superhighway. It’s like that rock star yell: “Are you having a good time?” And despite the mistakes, the bad harmonies, the hot sweat, the elbows in your groin, you scream back, “YEAH!” Because the energy of the performance and the sincerity of your heroes make the journey worthwhile. GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY VOL.2 captures … Read More

FAST & FURIOUS 7

Poffy The Cucumber

The Stupidous Furious. The FURIOUS franchise is TWILIGHT for men. — YouTube comment. Vin Diesel underacts his way through a car-slut thug-fest that loses focus in its last act because – Paul Walker. What do you think of when someone asks you NOT to think of Paul Walker? Answer: Paul Walker. This is the case in FURIOUS 7, where it … Read More

THE HATEFUL EIGHT

Poffy The Cucumber

Eight is Enough to fill our hearts with dingus. THE THING meets CAPTAIN RON. And all Snake Plissken breaks loose. Wyoming. Post-Civil War. At a snowbound outpost, eight strangers must survive the stormy night. And each other. Writer-director Quentin Tarantino‘s THE HATEFUL EIGHT is a slow burn; a firecracker waiting to be ignited in a nunnery. Unlike many of his … Read More

POSEIDON

Poffy The Cucumber

The Boat, The Wave, The Snake. One scene in POSEIDON will live with you long after you’ve dried off and found your land legs: Kurt Russell actually drowning. Literally. In a move that is half-Method/half-Madness, Russell lets his lungs purposely fill with water to achieve what looks like someone actually drowning. And actually drowns! It was arranged that lifeguards retrieve … Read More

UNLAWFUL ENTRY

Poffy The Cucumber

Creepy Eyes stalks Sexy Eyes and Doe Eyes. Even when Ray Liotta plays a good guy, he’s still kinda creepy. In UNLAWFUL ENTRY, Liotta is unbalanced cop, Officer Pete Davis, who terrorizes a break-in victim, Michael Carr (Kurt Russell), for a piece of Michael’s wife, Karen (Madeline Stowe, who is just asking for it by being Madeline Stowe). So he’s … Read More

TOMBSTONE

Poffy The Cucumber

When The West Was Huckleberry. The PULP FICTION of westerns, with its vivid dialogue and firestorm set pieces, TOMBSTONE roars like a stallion on steel hooves, in a hail of Peacemaker gunfire and very real handlebar moustachios. TOMBSTONE is another retelling of the infamous Gunfight at the O.K. Corral, but presented in such an epic, revisionist manner that the ill-fated … Read More

SKY HIGH

Poffy The Cucumber

The Bastard Offspring of John Hughes and Joel Schumacher. Recall, if you are secure enough in your manhood, those John Hughes films of the mid-80s: perturbed teens discovering themselves blah blah. Further recall, if you dare, the BATMAN franchise under the frivolous wrist of Joel Schumacher: all coruscating color and comic-book éclat. If you’ve an appetite for distraction (and a … Read More

3000 MILES TO GRACELAND

Poffy The Cucumber

Another Nail In The King’s Coffin. Obvious from the outset that this Clambake would be a shameless Hollywood glam-scam, wise men say only fools rush in – and Kurt Russell, the best Elvis of all time (well, uh, besides the real one…) – gets himself into Double Trouble by donning this cape. A-uh-huh. Poster, slogan and title of 3000 MILES … Read More