CONAN THE DESTROYER

Poffy The Cucumber

Adventure on Steroids (i.e. too musclebound to move). CONAN THE DESTROYER slowly follows Conan the Barbarian (Arnold Schwarzenegger, still learning how to speak with his mouth), empowered by Queen Taramis (Sarah Douglas) to accompany a virgin princess (Olivia d’Abo, too spinner-sexy for words, which is probably why Arnold can’t speak) and her bodyguard (Wilt Chamberlain, still learning how to act) … Read More

CONAN THE BARBARIAN

Poffy The Cucumber

Save a Barbaric Yawp for me. CONAN THE BARBARIAN opens with a Nietzsche title card: “That which does not kill us makes us stronger.” Oh, so it’s a focus on the philosophical struggle of mankind. Well, actually it’s more a focus on the “kill” and “stronger” bits. For an action-adventure fantasy epic, CONAN THE BARBARIAN sure is painfully slow, padded … Read More

PEARL HARBOR

Poffy The Cucumber

Pearl Before Swine. In garish detail and stunning investigative probing, PEARL HARBOR digs deep below the surface of the gasoline embargoes and jingoistic fomenting and reveals exactly what this WWII conflict was all about – the love triangle between three young American Models. You see, Ben loves Kate. And Kate loves Ben. But Ben’s best friend, Josh, also likes Kate. … Read More

HIGHLANDER III: THE SORCERER

Poffy The Cucumber

There Can Be Only One… er-Three…uh- Seven? Twenty?.. I dunno, does 43 sound about right?… HIGHLANDER III: THE SORCERER should heed its own slogan: “There can be only one.” There should have been only one – one HIGHLANDER film, that is. Each sequel drives another vapid nail into the bottomless coffin that has become the HIGHLANDER franchise. HIGHLANDER was a … Read More