BAD BOYS

Poffy The Cucumber

When it’s bad being Bad. Geez, I hope no one confuses the sex appeal and street-kewl of these Hollywood-ized detectives with the misinformed rednecks that are real cops. Too late… BULLITT (1968), DIRTY HARRY (1971, four sequels), THE SUPER COPS (1974), BEVERLY HILLS COP (1984, two sequels), LETHAL WEAPON (1987, three sequels), COPS (1989 TV series, 27 seasons and still … Read More

FIRE DOWN BELOW

Poffy The Cucumber

Fire Nowhere Near. In the unfocused environmental actioner FIRE DOWN BELOW, Steven Seagal (as undercover EPA federal agent Jack Taggart) strides from one fist-fight into the next with that same expressionless expression, and with a startling command of aikido. (I was unaware you needed a 7th dan to investigate spilling of toxic waste.) Into the backwoods of the Kentucky hills, … Read More

SPECIES

Poffy The Cucumber

Darwin never looked so good. It’s ALIEN with a spectacular pair of natural knockers. Designed by H.R. Giger – the alien species, not the knockers – a half-human, half-alien life form called Sil (Natasha Henstridge in her human form) escapes from a SETI facility and goes on a rampage fucking everyone. In the Biblical sense. And then fucking them in … Read More

MR. BROOKS

Poffy The Cucumber

Serial-licious. Serial killer. Not a sympathetic role, but in MR. BROOKS, Kevin Costner dives into the psychotic title character with a violinist’s verve. His killings are orgasmic; his planning, meticulous; his wife and daughter, oblivious. His alter ego, so well-defined it’s William Hurt. And that’s why we love him so. Writers Bruce A. Evans (also director) and Raynold Gideon make … Read More

IN GOOD COMPANY

Poffy The Cucumber

Team Mediocrity. One day Topher Grace will learn that “acting” is not “behaving like you’re making one big apology.” Playing Carter Duryea (a character as solid as a bowel movement after drinking month-old milk), fragile Topher assumes a Sales Head position over a company’s long-time Sales Head, Dan Foreman (Foreman – get it? Oh, Irony! Thy untamed Mistress!) – played … Read More