JOHN CARTER

Poffy The Cucumber

Big Green Men. Barsoom. That’s what they should have called this movie. Barsoom – the name the Martian natives call their planet. Barsoom – the tale of a reluctant Earth soldier transported to Mars, who embraces his role as a warrior leader in a civil war between two Martian tribes. (The fact that an hourglass-shaped princess is making Martian eyes … Read More

ZERO DARK THIRTY

Poffy The Cucumber

Zero Dork Skirty. Not exactly propaganda, not exactly lies, not exactly conspiracy theory. ZERO DARK THIRTY, the story about the American hunt for Osama bin Laden, is maybe a touch of all three… According to real life grunts, the title ZERO DARK THIRTY is bollocks. The military pronounce the “zero” as “oh”; and it doesn’t mean 12:30 a.m. (as the … Read More

GREEN LANTERN

Poffy The Cucumber

Attack of the 50-foot foreheads. The main qualification for being a Green Lantern is to have No Fear. Oh, and a high forehead. What’s with all the giant foreheads in GREEN LANTERN? Ryan Reynolds is Green Lantern’s forehead – and I must say, the perfect visual representation of the DC Comics ring-bearer; the great Mark Strong (SHERLOCK HOLMES 2009) is … Read More

ROBIN HOOD 2010

Poffy The Cucumber

Everything’s Archy. GLADIATOR and BRAVEHEART had a baby and they called it Russell Crowe. This ain’t Errol Flynn, this ain’t Adam Ant, and it’s certainly not Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore, riding through the woods… This ain’t your daddy’s ROBIN HOOD; no swinging from vines in the forest, no star-crossed lovers, no archery competition, no “splitting his competitor’s arrow in twain,” … Read More

KICK-ASS

Poffy The Cucumber

Cuddly Carnage. “Okay, you cunts. Let’s see what you can do now!” Call me damaged goods, but I’m in love with Hit-Girl. And if her challenge above is how we approach every moviegoing experience, the moment 11-year-old Chloe Grace Moretz (as Hit-Girl) utters that taunt, the movie proves itself an irreverent, unrepentant, ruthless runaway rocket. In my pants. Based on … Read More

SHERLOCK HOLMES 2009

Poffy The Cucumber

The Adventure of the Hero’s Rebirth. Guy Ritchie’s SHERLOCK HOLMES is not quite a reimagining of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s infamous British detective; more like a punch in the face. An analytical punch in the face. I’ll admit I’m not a Sherlock Holmes aficionado. Matter of fact, of the lifetime of books I’ve devoured like a balrog (and sometimes like … Read More

BODY OF LIES

Poffy The Cucumber

Pants on Fire! Little Boy Leo is now Big Bad DiCaprio. In BODY OF LIES, Leo has finished growing the beard he started in BLOOD DIAMOND and is neck deep in Syriana. He is undercover CIA operative Ferris, stationed in the Middle East, embroiled in an undercover plot to plant a Taliban newbie as a rising demagogue, in order to … Read More

TRISTAN AND ISOLDE

Poffy The Cucumber

ROMEO AND JULIET meets mincing BRAVEHEART. Don’t look for any historical resonance in this version of TRISTAN AND ISOLDE, reimagined yet again for a modern audience, with a blond babe sporting tresses slapping her backside and James Franco flexing his muscles as much as possible. So no aspect of this Kevin Reynolds-directed romancer should be confused with the actual legend … Read More

ROCK N ROLLA

Poffy The Cucumber

High Voltage Rock n Roll. Another twisty, spanky, kablooey tale from the dirty messiah madman who gave us LOCK, STOCK AND TWO SMOKING BARRELS (1998), Guy Ritchie, about expensive hoods, cheap hoods, indestructible hoods, Russian hoods, and a McGuffin painting that we never see that everyone wants. As with Ritchie’s other slambanging movies, describing the plot is a futile exercise, … Read More

SYRIANA

Poffy The Cucumber

Oil Is Not Well. If “oily Arab” was once an insult referring to a Middle Easterner’s complexion, nowadays it should truly be considered the highest compliment, pertaining to certain Arabs (via birthright and political wolfing), controlling the fortunes of the planet Earth via oil. If there is an overarching message to this movie’s madness, it is that everyone else on … Read More