LONDON HAS FALLEN

Poffy The Cucumber

Secret Service Superman. LONDON HAS FALLEN follows in the same vein as its predecessor, OLYMPUS HAS FALLEN – a gritty actioner that puts the American president in peril, so his bromantic bodyguard can save him. The terrorists are winning again. Movie opens on a Middle Eastern wedding party near Pakistan, which is blown sky-high by an American missile, taking the … Read More

THE EQUALIZER 2014

Poffy The Cucumber

The Black TAKEN, featuring Home Depot Man. A retired black ops hitman, trying to blend into quiet suburban life by being a clerk at a hardware store, must use his “particular set of skills” to help a prostitute with a heart of gold. THE EQUALIZER (based loosely on the 1985 TV series of the same name, starring Edward Woodward) might … Read More

OLYMPUS HAS FALLEN

Poffy The Cucumber

DIE HARD in the White House. OLYMPUS HAS FALLEN but don’t worry – John McClane is there to– I mean, Gerard Butler is there to pick it back up again. North Korean terrorists take over the White House, and Secret Service Black Ops Special Forces Seal Team Ninja Mission Impossible Flames-Comin-Out-De-Side Agent Gerard Butler is the fly in the ointment, … Read More

OBLIVION

Poffy The Cucumber

Oblivious to its progenitors? Up here in space / I’m looking down on you. My lasers trace / Everything you do. You think you’ve private lives – think nothing of the kind. There is no true escape – I’m watching all the time. I’m made of metal My circuits gleam. I am perpetual I keep the country clean. — Judas … Read More

WELCOME TO THE RILEYS

Poffy The Cucumber

Carnival of Damaged Souls. A married businessman spends his money on a prostitute. (And right now you’re thinking: ‘So what’s new?’) WELCOME TO THE RILEYS follows married Indianapolis businessman Douglas Riley (James Gandolfini) to New Orleans for a conference. While out on the town that night, he befriends 20-year-old stripper, Allison (Kristen Stewart) – no, not in that way. He … Read More

THE FIGHTER

Poffy The Cucumber

Trailer Trash Writ Glorious. In the first three minutes of THE FIGHTER, we realize that Christian Bale should not have won that Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor in this film. He should have won for Best ACTOR. Yes, we know the technical definitions of “main,” “major,” and “supporting” characters – but really! Bale’s Herculean immersion into his wild-eyed character … Read More