JURASSIC WORLD: FALLEN KINGDOM

Poffy The Cucumber

Fallen Franchise. Why do we watch “dinosaur movies”? Well, for the DINOSAURS, of course! In that respect, JURASSIC PARK: FALLEN KINGDOM is at the top of the heap, with the best dinosaurs that 2018 CGI technology can render, hands down. With every roar, every stomp, every quivering of their neck wattles, we don’t doubt these prehistoric animals are more real … Read More

RUNAWAY

Poffy The Cucumber

Looking back at the Future. Back in 1984, when Tom Selleck was kinda a leading man and Gene Simmons was kinda an actor, they made a movie called RUNAWAY. Kinda. It is The Future, and “robots” are aiding every facet of humanity, from drones with cameras in them (you don’t say!) to Artificial Intelligence nanny robots (that look like a … Read More

JURASSIC PARK THE LOST WORLD

Poffy The Cucumber

Boring Roaring. Unnecessary. That’s the word that comes to mind during Steven Spielberg’s THE LOST WORLD JURASSIC PARK, the insipid followup to his mighty JURASSIC PARK (1993). In a fit of George Lucas-oid storytelling (i.e. Making It Up As He Goes Along), we are reintroduced to Hammond (Richard Attenborough, usually a paragon of filmic integrity, probably filling this pedestrian cameo … Read More

JURASSIC PARK III

Poffy The Cucumber

Excitement replaced by Excrement. After Charles Darwin, Richard Owen, Louis Leakey, E.O. Wilson, Stephen Jay Gould, Richard Dawkins, Robert Bakker, Jack Horner and thousands of other anthropologists and paleontologists whose names we shall sadly never know, broke their backs formulating the knowledge that allowed us to comprehend evolution and the Dinosauria… JURASSIC PARK III takes those decades of learning – … Read More

TWISTER

Poffy The Cucumber

TWISTER blows. I have spent my life laboriously doing nothing. — Hugo Grotius (on his deathbed 1645) Mysteriously-funded and irrationally-driven “storm-chasers” gad about the American midwest in TWISTER, trying to throw an aluminum thingy filled with little aluminum thingies into a tornado. They say it’s to research these natural disasters. Cue joke about this movie being natural disaster. Leading the … Read More

JURASSIC PARK

Poffy The Cucumber

Dino Mighty. DINOSAURS! No, not “unbelievable” and “incredible” – on the contrary, director Steven Spielberg and his special effects team do such a mighty job recreating extinct saurians that they are altogether BELIEVABLE and CREDIBLE! Spielberg is the visionary who brought us JAWS, CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND and RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK – JURASSIC PARK is his … Read More

TIMELINE

Poffy The Cucumber

Space-Time Continuum Saved by Surfer Dude & Community Theatre Actress. To call this movie “silly” would be an insult to silly movies. TIMELINE makes the execrable indecency of THE CORE look like a scientific masterpiece. With costumes borrowed from a traveling Renaissance Festival and actors borrowed from the local community theatre, even the brainless idiocy of FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY … Read More