STAR TREK: INSURRECTION

Poffy The Cucumber

Insert Erection! The dancing! The singing! The bearded guy in the bathtub! Are we on a star trek or a pride parade?! STAR TREK: INSURRECTION is another example of an excellent idea – and I’m not being sarcastic! – ruined by small screen sensibilities and mediocre production values. The very first TREK movie, STAR TREK: THE MOTION PICTURE (1979), also … Read More

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STAR TREK: FIRST CONTACT

Poffy The Cucumber

Unnecessary Racket! Everyone gives Jonathan Frakes more rope than he deserves as a director. No wonder he hangs himself with STAR TREK: FIRST CONTACT. This first true STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION feature film has an illogical time-loop plot, the same half-assed TV acting we’ve come to expect from the TNG crew, and five-time Wimbledon winner, Bjorn Borg. With production … Read More

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TED 2

Poffy The Cucumber

Teddy Fuxspin. That dirt-talkin’ beer-drinkin’ pot-smokin’ bad boy bear is back in TED 2 – badder, bolder, drunker and… seriouser? Seth MacFarlane makes the sequel to his R-rated TED (2012) even more R-rated. My biggest fear with this followup to the highest-grossing R-rated comedy ever was that the studio would castrate raconteur MacFarlane; that someone would wear him down with … Read More

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THE SANTA CLAUSE 2

Poffy The Cucumber

Papa’s got a brand new bag – I mean, wife. Due to THE SANTA CLAUSE 2, Santa Claus must find a wife or he will magically stop being Santa Claus, presumably leaving one billion spoiled brats on Earth wailing in frenzy for their free toys. It’s eight years later – in real time and movie time – since THE SANTA … Read More

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STAR TREK: NEMESIS

Poffy The Cucumber

Nature vs. Nurture vs. Nemesis. Jonathan Frakes is the most useless, insipid character in the STAR TREK universe. There, I said it. (Send your hate mail to 80 Vanilla Street, Who-Gives-A-Shit, CA, Stardate 2350.) Now let’s talk about useless, insipid movies… STAR TREK NEMESIS is the fourth and last The Next Generation (TNG) adventure, continuing the STAR TREK legacy with … Read More

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STAR TREK: GENERATIONS

Poffy The Cucumber

Generation Pap. The Death of Kirk! You know these filmmakers are going to hell for this, right? STAR TREK: GENERATIONS was meant to showcase the TREK TV spinoff, THE NEXT GENERATION; instead, the singular event on all our minds is how Kirk is going to eat it. The Original Series fans would dread the moment, yet obsessively study it with … Read More

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