TWILIGHT BREAKING DAWN PART 2

Poffy The Cucumber

Faking Porn, Fart 2. Somewhere along the way, the tween girlie movie series TWILIGHT transmorphed into the painfully overwrought “THE TWILIGHT SAGA,” like there was something extremely important happening between all these vampire models standing around doing nothing and all these werewolf models standing around doing nothing with their shirts off. So we arrive at the conclusion of author Stephanie … Read More

TRON: LEGACY

Poffy The Cucumber

Spandex Wonderland. My eyes hurt. Can you dial down the neon knights to a 7, guys? When I viewed the first trailers for TRON LEGACY, and saw that Jeff Bridges was involved, it was straight past buzz cool to grade school jubilation, “Ooh man! Yeees, my son!!” Jeff Bridges reprising the role that made his man-area famous for his tiny … Read More

UNTHINKABLE

Poffy The Cucumber

The punishing stupidity of punishing stupidity. Many ways to view the torture-driven thriller UNTHINKABLE (now remember we’re trying to be neutral thinkers, objectively assessing the twisted unsolvable issues of religion and politics, so no man-acclaimed institutions should be capitalized): To show they mean business, authorities torture a person threatening to murder thousands. A muslim plants three nuclear bombs in three … Read More

TWILIGHT NEW MOON

Poffy The Cucumber

Dead – and Mumbling It. Kristen Stewart mumbles her way through another TWILIGHT movie. Synopsis of NEW MOON on the BluRay cover: “In the second chapter of Stephanie Meyer’s best-selling TWILIGHT series, the romance between mortal Bella Swan and vampire Edward Cullen gets more intense.” And by more intense, they mean he almost gets to second base. Stewart once again … Read More

THE SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP

Poffy The Cucumber

Blair and Bubba: A Love Story. All political friendship is strategic and conditional. — Tony Blair advisor. A touching bromance between two heads of state. The Special Relationship refers to that unspoken sexual tension between America and any other country that needs to suckle at her black milk teat so she won’t crush them like Hulk crushes puny humans. THE … Read More

THE QUEEN

Poffy The Cucumber

SexyRegal is the new Streep. Regal AND sexy. Only Helen Mirren could pull that off… Mirren is THE QUEEN. Inhabiting the role of Elizabeth II like she was born into the English monarchy, giving the old biddy some reg’lr ole toughness, independence and spunk, at one point reminding her aides that she was a mechanic during The War. THE QUEEN … Read More

UNDERWORLD

Poffy The Cucumber

Overwrought Underworld. Guns, Gore and Grrrrrls in growling leather. UNDERWORLD gives a shot in the arm, so to speak, to the vampire and werewolf iconographies, updating/reimagining both to be in an ongoing millennia-aged war that is escalating, plopping them in modern day Europe (or somewhere with underground rail transport and rain that won’t quit) with automatic weapons and computers. And … Read More

FROST/NIXON

Poffy The Cucumber

and the Truth shall set you bleed… Peace/War. Life/Death. Truth/Lies. Frost/Nixon. Based on Peter Morgan’s stage play of the same name, from the stunning real life interviews that ex-president Richard M. Nixon granted British television host, David Frost in 1977, Ron Howard‘s compelling FROST/NIXON does what Oliver Stone’s milky W. never could – it gets the job done.What job is … Read More

BLOOD DIAMOND

Poffy The Cucumber

A Rough in the Diamond. The greed of the human animal is such a compelling thing that even decrying that greed will only feed it. Such is the paradox facing Edward Zwick’s powerful BLOOD DIAMOND, a movie set in the west African country of Sierra Leone in 1999, when Revolutionary United Front rebels took over the nation’s capital, using diamonds … Read More