SPECTRE

Poffy The Cucumber

Same old Bond! What did you ex-spectre? James Bond 007 discovers the looming nemesis dogging his every move since he was in spy-nappies; the criminal organization for expensive suits and limited edition sportscars – SPECTRE! Daniel Craig, in his fourth outing as James Bond, looks old and makes me tired. French flamehair Léa Seydoux is Madeleine Swann, resident Bond Girl … Read More

BRAM STOKER’S DRACULA

Poffy The Cucumber

Delicious, with a hint of sour Keanu. In BRAM STOKER’S DRACULA, Gary Oldman shows us what acting IS and Keanu Reeves shows us what acting ISN’T. We all know the concept of Dracula; it is in our – ahem – bloodstreams, but in cinema, we rarely see Dracula’s origins. Director Francis Ford Coppolla opens the movie with the event that … Read More

THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST

Poffy The Cucumber

The Bashin’ of The Christ. Yeah, this is what all those other Jesus movies have been missing – the TORTURE. If you’re gonna bash Jesus, you might as well bash him right. Okay, send me your hate mail and get it over with. But Mel, not me, does more bashing of your effeminate savior than every other Jesus movie in … Read More

SHOOT ‘EM UP

Poffy The Cucumber

Love it. Hate it. You won’t fall asleep. I mean, really! How sensible do you think a movie called SHOOT ‘EM UP could possibly be? Just sit back and enjoy Clive Owen in his natural habitat (factory streets grimier than Guy Ritchie could possibly imagine), in his usual plumage (Hard Guy Long Overcoat, perpetual five o’clock shadow), plying his chosen … Read More