HERCULES UNCHAINED

Poffy The Cucumber

Hercules Delectes Peripheres. Steve Reeves walks around looking gorgeous, and a Hercules movie is going on ‘round here somewhere. Like Clint Eastwood as Dirty Harry, Hugh Jackman as Wolverine, or Bruce Willis as John McClane, Steve Reeves as Hercules inhabits his role so perfectly that his magnetic presence alone is enough to see HERCULES UNCHAINED to its conclusion, whether we … Read More

HERCULES 1958

Poffy The Cucumber

Body of Herc. Before Schwarzenegger, before Ferrigno, before Stallone, Van Damme, The Rock and Wolverine, there was the first movie muscleman. Mr. America (1947), Mr. World (1948), and Mr. Universe (1948, 1950), mighty Steve Reeves stars as the original and best HERCULES. HERCULES, an Italian production directed and co-written by Pietro Francisci, combines The Labors of Hercules with The Voyage … Read More

AT THE EARTH’S CORE

Poffy The Cucumber

Rotten to the Core. Much like the 1975 film THE LAND THAT TIME FORGOT, Doug McClure once again discovers a prehistoric land AT THE EARTH’S CORE. And he must once again battle unevolved natives and outlandish beasts to survive. However this time, the beasts are not dinosaurs, but actual monsters, ruled over by giant telepathic bird-things (or maybe just guys … Read More

YONGARY: MONSTER FROM THE DEEP

Poffy The Cucumber

Godzilla – South Korea edition. After an unnecessary prelude with a married couple, a rocket orbit for no reason (the filmmakers displaying their complete ineptitude on space program dialect), and an earthquake caused by a dropped nuke, all of which have no connection to one another, but somehow share the same movie-space – out pops YONGARY! Looks like someone was … Read More

THE LOVES OF HERCULES

Poffy The Cucumber

The Pussywhipping Of Hercules. Jayne Mansfield’s canned-ham breasts seduce Mickey Hargitay’s petite skirt and oiled pecs in THE LOVES OF HERCULES. In the long history of Italian Hercules films, Mickey Hargitay boldly douses himself with cooking oil and lifts things that are kinda heavy, replacing arguably one of the best proponents of the demi-god, Steve Reeves (last seen in HERCULES … Read More

THE LAND THAT TIME FORGOT

Poffy The Cucumber

Doug versus dinos, in a battle to the rubber suit! During World War I, German and British sailors onboard a U-boat encounter a prehistoric land where every dinosaur is trying to kill them – even the herbivores. THE LAND THAT TIME FORGOT works reasonably as a war actioner in its first act, then forgets its war story to focus on … Read More

THE BEAST OF HOLLOW MOUNTAIN

Poffy The Cucumber

Rex Mex. Cowboys and dinosaurs! In a small Mexican town, a square-jawed American cattle rancher with a suitably steel-chested name (Guy Madison as Jimmy) puts the moves on Sarita (Patricia Medina), the whitest Mexican girl in town, who happens to be betrothed to powerful Mexican cattle owner Enrique (Eduardo Noriega – not the modern Spanish dreamboat, the old Mexican actor). … Read More

STARCRASH

Poffy The Cucumber

Star what now?– A smoking hot chick in a bikini, a robot named Larry the Cable Guy and a guy with a perm to die for, go in search of Princess David Hasselhoff, who is the son of Christopher Plummer, the Emperor of the First Circle of the Universe. Stop laughing. It’s STARCRASH, a film which outright plagiarizes STAR WARS … Read More

MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 – SEASON 11

Poffy The Cucumber

A Season with eighteen years seasoning. Season 10 wrapped on September 12, 1999. EIGHTEEN YEARS LATER, Season 11 is shot from a cannon on Apr 14, 2017. Has there ever been a longer downtime between Seasons than MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000? Technically termed “THE RETURN,” Joel Hodgson (through the magic of Kickstarter and a few thousand fanatic souls) fires up … Read More

MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000: THE RETURN

Poffy The Cucumber

Playing MSTie for us, like it never went away. From the mind and mouth of madness of Joel Hodgson comes MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000: THE RETURN! After 18 years, and millions of fans gnashing their teeth and milling aimlessly in the American Programming wasteland aimed at the Great Unwashed, creator/ writer/ director/ star Joel Hodgson reclaims the airwaves in the … Read More

THE TIME TRAVELERS

Poffy The Cucumber

Time and Time Again – Stealing from H.G. Wells. Not to be confused with the vanilla TIME CHASERS (1994, featuring that cleft-chinned Canadian anti-leading man), THE TIME TRAVELERS is one of those classic 1960’s thought experiments where scientists accidentally trap themselves in a bleak, blasted future society of 2071 – a “future” which is closer to our present, so which … Read More

CRY WILDERNESS

Poffy The Cucumber

Big Mistake Afoot. CRY WILDERNESS boasts the laziest Bigfoot costume in cinema history. Are they punking us? No, I think they’re serious. Irritating son, ranger father who looks more like a trucker, Native American who “spent too much time at college rather than in the wild,” and a muscled tracker wearing a mesh shirt to show off said muscles. A … Read More

REPTILICUS

Poffy The Cucumber

The Euro Puppet Holocaust. Godzilla – Denmark repreZENT! REPTILICUS, Denmark’s one and only daikaiju movie, is the Danish answer to Japan’s GODZILLA (1954). But whereas GODZILLA was a magnificent parable of man’s hubris toward nuclear abuse, REPTILICUS is about a puppet. There were only two Godzilla movies released at the time of REPTILICUS (1961) – the first was Ishiro Honda’s … Read More

MANOS: THE HANDS OF FATE

Poffy The Cucumber

Not dead the way you know it. He is with us always. Not dead the way you know it. MANOS THE HANDS OF FATE is to movies what a car accident with a head in the street is to traffic. Untold tragedy. People die. Lives change. No, that’s not the car accident – that’s from watching MANOS. But you cannot … Read More

GAMERA VS. GAOS

Poffy The Cucumber

Pointy Birds. Pointy birds, so pointy pointy. Anoint my head. Anointy ‘nointy. — Steve Martin, THE MAN WITH TWO BRAINS. Godzilla had Rodan, a giant marauding bird, so Gamera went one better and hatched Gaos – not just a giant bird, a giant pointy bird – from a volcano! With a head ornament styled after a shuriken star, and laser … Read More

GAMERA VS. GUIRON

Poffy The Cucumber

A Real Cutup. GAMERA VS. GUIRON is the fifth entry in the giant turtle’s series, continuing in the dopey footsteps of his great uncle Godzilla. After a first movie introduction where he was all about wanton destruction, by now he has been re-rendered as “friend to children.” And stupidity reaches a new turtle dimension. Two young boys accidentally fly a … Read More

KING DINOSAUR

Poffy The Cucumber

King Dinosaur Dropping. Four gifted scientists travel to the planet Nova in a technologically advanced spaceship and discover a prehistoric world, coming face to face with a Tyrannosaurus rex… Nah, actually four ignorant doofuses, the Teen Models of their day, travel to an imaginary planet that the excitable narrator makes up on the spot, in a child’s idea of a … Read More

INVASION U.S.A.

Poffy The Cucumber

Cold War Mongering. INVASION U.S.A. is made for one purpose. The government will tell you it’s to promote the draft, but the draft is only a euphemism for domestic terrorism. What else would you call spreading fear through media; terrorizing the populace into bowing Head Down Ass Up to the American government, or their lives would be ended by Russians? … Read More

REVENGE OF THE CREATURE

Poffy The Cucumber

Bad Moviemakers Strike Again. There’s not much “revenge” in REVENGE OF THE CREATURE, except maybe the filmmakers’ revenge on clear-thinking movie viewers. Scientists led by John Agar capture the CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON and bring him to civilization to “train” him. And kill him. Called the “Gill Man” by the tourists and sightseers that call themselves “scientists,” the creature … Read More

GAMERA

Poffy The Cucumber

Stone-Age Mutant Ninja Turtle. GOJIRA was a smash hit for Japan’s Toho Studios in 1954, so competing Daiei Studios pondered on how they could also create a property as towering and nightmarish as the fire-breathing irradiated lizard; a gigantic, destructive, plodding behemoth that would strike terror into the heart of Mankind as fearfully as Godzilla, King of the Monsters! And … Read More