HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 2

Poffy The Cucumber

Cruisin’ for a Bruise-ical. There are three words to describe the songs in HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 2: Un. Bear. Able. And the word “musical” is in the actual title. False advertising. Did someone consult Satan on which tonal modes would cause mortals to retch like chemotherapy victims? Director Kenny Ortega and writer Peter Barsocchini did indeed. Upon researching the precursor … Read More

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HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL

Poffy The Cucumber

High School Douche-ical. Disney collaborated with Satan and coaxed him to fart his pus-festering feculence onto the TV airwaves and call it HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL. It is not such a surprise to those of us who know Disney regularly consorts with the Prince of Feces, but even so, this unholy flatulence was far beyond Satan’s usual anal excretions of Disney … Read More

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THE RUTLES 2: CAN’T BUY ME LUNCH

Poffy The Cucumber

I’m looking through you, You’re not the same. A fun retelling/revisiting the legend of The Rutles and their trousers. THE RUTLES 2: CAN’T BUY ME LUNCH is pieced together from outtakes of THE RUTLES (1978) and new talking head footage compiled by Eric Idle. And it shows. Playing his same Interviewer character from the previous film 26 years ago, a … Read More

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ROCK OF AGES

Poffy The Cucumber

Crock of Ages. My flesh was crawling so vividly during every minute of the mindless, sanitized, second-rate karaoke movie ROCK OF AGES that by the time it ended I was sitting in one seat and my flesh was four seats over. I would sincerely like to kick this movie to death. This whole concept is a MISTAKE. From the Broadway … Read More

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CAN’T STOP THE MUSIC

Poffy The Cucumber

Please Stop The Music. The Village People Movie! At this point, did anyone take aside the manager of the Village People and say, “Uh, don’t!”? I can’t unsee this travesty. Or is CAN’T STOP THE MUSIC a biography? Formed by an overacting douchebag, named by an old woman, promoted by a slut ex-model, and none of them gay – nope, … Read More

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MARY POPPINS

Poffy The Cucumber

Super-Wanky-Capitalistic-Excreta-and-Atrocious! An antique anachronism like MARY POPPINS should best be viewed through the eyes of Innocence. So for the benefit of young children everywhere, this movie will be reviewed not only by Poffy, but also by Poffy’s dolly, Pliffy. MARY POPPINS is wonderful adventure for kids like me, because I don’t think. It is colorful and magical and British. I … Read More

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THE WIZ

Poffy The Cucumber

If you’re thinkin’ of being my remake, it don’t matter if you’re black or white. Took brass balls to remake the legendary WIZARD OF OZ – or maybe just black balls. The pinky-white euphemism “urban” doesn’t disguise THE WIZ for what it is – a black version of THE WIZARD OF OZ. It’s what the original WIZARD OF OZ desperately … Read More

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THE WIZARD OF OZ

Poffy The Cucumber

The Wizarding World of Non-Oz-Sense. It’s Judy Garland’s first ever head trip! A victim of prescribed, mind-altering drugs later in her career, maybe she was just trying to recreate her glory days in THE WIZARD OF OZ? It was 1939 and the Hollywood studio system was churning out so many “musicals” that singing irrelevantly amidst the storyline had become not … Read More

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DANCER IN THE DARK

Poffy The Cucumber

A Director Dancing With Himself… Don’t know about you, but I always cringed when Dean Martin would start singing in those old Martin and Lewis comedies; and my flesh would crawl whenever Bing Crosby opened his puling puss during a hilarious Bob Hope movie. Nothing’s changed. It’s not that I don’t like musicals, or even musical numbers – hell, JESUS … Read More

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SWEENEY TODD: THE DEMON BARBER OF FLEET STREET

Poffy The Cucumber

Slashing Singing Scissorhands. Edward Scissorhands is all grown up! Never more apparent than when Johnny Depp (as the eponymous demon barber, Sweeney Todd) holds aloft a gleaming razor and boldly affirms in song: “At last! My right arm is complete again!” (My Friends.) Violent, gruesome, blackly hilarious, deliriously entertaining, director Tim Burton’s vision of SWEENEY TODD: THE DEMON BARBER OF … Read More

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TOMMY

Poffy The Cucumber

Rock God as Singing Savior. Pete Townshend once said, “What’s good about great pop and rock is: it’s sublime and ridiculous at once.” He should know. He wrote Tommy. TOMMY The Movie, inspired by The Who’s 1969 concept album of the same name – about a traumatized deaf, dumb and blind boy who becomes a pinball-playing savior – is simultaneously … Read More

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JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR

Poffy The Cucumber

Nails It. A rockgasmic Judas-eye view of the last days of Christ. Directed by Norman Jewison (FIDDLER ON THE ROOF) and powered by the mountain-leveling throats of Ted Neeley (Jesus) and Carl Anderson (Judas), JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR is as reverent as it is blasphemous, as bombastic as it is humble, as god as it is zilla. Written by the inimitable … Read More

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JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR 2000

Poffy The Cucumber

Jesus Tapdancing Christ. Anytime one of us old codgers over 35 is exposed to a re-working of what we consider a “classic,” we approach it with trepidation, fearful our fond memories will be sullied by some upstart’s new vision. And yet…knowing that curiosity never really killed anything, we unbutton our leisure suits and expose ourselves nonetheless… On this night I … Read More

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