THOR: THE DARK WORLD

Poffy The Cucumber

The Dork World. Does anyone know what is going in THOR: THE DARK WORLD? Certainly not Thor, whose idea of “governing” is punching people. This sequel to THOR (2011) is like watching four grandiose movies squashed into the space of bitches slapping each other in a reality show. Marvel movies have so far been devoid of overwrought prelude backstories. Not … Read More

I’M STILL HERE

Poffy The Cucumber

Not all there. It’s the biggest Andy Kaufman joke ever played on the public, not played by Andy Kaufman. Joaquin Phoenix takes Hollywood on a long ride in I’M STILL HERE, by proclaiming he is retiring from acting and starting a career in rap music. And Hollywood buys it. It’s a strange animal, this film, because it was originally sold … Read More

LEON

Poffy The Cucumber

Angel and the Bad Man. If cuteness has a forbidden name – then, oh Christ! It must be Natalie Portman! If loving this 12-year-old is wrong, I don’t wanna be right. Or in jail. LÉON (aka THE PROFESSIONAL) is writer-director Luc Besson‘s masterpiece. For its poignant paintings of shadowy souls in conflict with themselves and each other; for its dynamite … Read More

BLACK SWAN

Poffy The Cucumber

Swan Quake. My God, but ballet is boring! Thank God for Natalie Portman masturbating! Neurotic ballerina Nina (Portman) jockeys for the coveted Swan Queen role in a production of Swan Lake… Let’s not pretend elitism – all the roles look the same to me: girls on their tippy-toes and guys in penis-hugging tights. The obsessive director (Vincent Cassel) tells the … Read More

THOR

Poffy The Cucumber

Godliness is next to prettiness. Director Kenneth Branagh brings THOR to the big screen with all the respect that a Thunder God deserves and all the cut obliques that a woman craves. And having Mr. Branagh at the helm explains the preponderance of British accents. Banished to Earth for his arrogance, the Norse god of bad weather, Thor, must learn … Read More

YOUR HIGHNESS

Poffy The Cucumber

Their Lowness. The trailers fooled us with witty asides and raunchy innuendo, but YOUR HIGHNESS is a fast-paced slow-brainer for people who like to hear swear words unsurrounded by actual comedy. Not only sophomoric – uninvolving and uncomfortably devoid of laughs, with sloppy, predictable writing, direction and story; Danny McBride at his unfunniest as a slacker prince; James Franco as … Read More

BROTHERS

Poffy The Cucumber

Broham Interruptus. Don’t you just hate it when your brother goes off to war and he supposedly gets killed, and you start putting the moves on his wife, and then he comes back? Don’t you just hate that?! What separates Jim Sheridan‘s BROTHERS from Michael Bay’s PEARL HARBOR (same plot, different war) is that BROTHERS is watchable. Starring Tobey Maguire … Read More

STAR WARS: EPISODE I – THE PHANTOM MENACE

Poffy The Cucumber

A Legend Unravels… Twenty years ago, I liked Michael Jackson. Everyone did. Twenty years ago, I liked STAR WARS. Everyone did. Look what happened to Michael Jackson. Look what happened to STAR WARS. Both these entities were done in NOT by lack of funding, backstabbing competitors or unbalanced advisors. Ironically, they brought their downfalls on themselves through a surfeit of … Read More

V FOR VENDETTA

Poffy The Cucumber

V versus W: No Betta Vendetta. …an expression of a mood, and it is a warning. The mood it expresses is that of near despair about the future of man, and the warning is that unless the course of history changes, men all over the world will lose their most human qualities, will become soulless automatons, and will not even … Read More

STAR WARS: EPISODE III – REVENGE OF THE SITH

Poffy The Cucumber

It had to happen. There had to come something in this world to contest Episode II’s mind-numbing thoughtlessness and ineffectualness – behold, George Lucas gives us Episode III. You might want to brave the queues and watch the movie BEFORE reading this article. (I went on a Tuesday afternoon and the theatre was only a quarter full with doinks, dorks, … Read More

STAR WARS: EPISODE II – ATTACK OF THE CLONES

Poffy The Cucumber

CGI = Cast Grossly Inessential. George Lucas doesn’t make book on The Beatles’ Can’t Buy Me Love. Flagrantly disregarding the word “budget,” Lucas feels that by throwing the baby, the bathwater, the soap AND the rubber ducky at audiences, it will buy him the love and respect he seems so desperately to be craving. STAR WARS: EPISODE II – ATTACK … Read More