AQUAMAN 2018

Poffy The Cucumber

Will make you wet. AQUAMAN graduates to jewel of the DC Comics universe, as it finds a perfect mix of action, humor, sex and surf. An American screenwriter’s dream come true, for its fishy foreshadowing and porpoiseful payoffs (couldn’t resist!); an origin story and a high sea adventure, an undersea war and a touching family redemption. It’s got everything, from … Read More

LION

Poffy The Cucumber

White Lion. Separated from his mother in India at 5 years old, adopted by an Australian couple and raised in Tasmania, Saroo Brierley, 25 years later, tracks down his biological mother in India through the magic of Google Earth. And a privileged white lifestyle. Taking nothing away from the inspiring effort of Saroo and the overwhelming poignancy of his quest, … Read More

THE INVASION 2007

Poffy The Cucumber

Tight Skirt, Alien Cell, Big Bra. Kudos to Nicole Kidman’s plastic surgeon! What a job on her already perfect head! We are more than happy to pile derision on the stars and surgeons who botch their head jobs, but no one commends those stars and surgeons who produce dynamite results. In THE INVASION, yet another remake of INVASION OF THE … Read More

JUST GO WITH IT

Poffy The Cucumber

Going for mangina. And succeeding. Well played, Mr. Sandler! He’s a bachelor wooing a younger girl with the lie that he will soon be divorced, and getting Jennifer Aniston to JUST GO WITH IT and pose as his ex to aid the ruse. It’s dumb as hell, but Sandler plays it very, very cool. (Don’t tell anyone, but I laughed … Read More

EYES WIDE SHUT

Poffy The Cucumber

Pants Wide Open. Stanley Kubrick directs EYES WIDE SHUT with his pants wide open. Elegant somberness, lurid themes, disturbing visuals, foreboding music, screaming colors. And tits. Tits tits tits. Not banana teats, cow udders or raisins either, but perfectly-rounded, gently-sloped baseballs to cantaloupes. On women ivory-legged, flat-bellied, pear-buttocked, butter-smooth, hungry-lipped, not one a notch below 9. Call it art. Call … Read More

BATMAN FOREVER

Poffy The Cucumber

From Dark Knight to Boogie Knight. After Tim Burton gave us the brooding BATMAN (1989) and the dark-yet-kinda-silly BATMAN RETURNS, he relinquished the director’s chair to Joel Schumacher, who promptly made Batman fruitier than Adam West. In BATMAN FOREVER, the third installment of the modern Batman legacy, Val Kilmer is the fruit bat whom we cannot be sure is hero … Read More

MARGOT AT THE WEDDING

Poffy The Cucumber

The Family that frays together… What do you get when you reunite two high maintenance sisters after years of not speaking to each other? Higher maintenance. Margot (Nicole Kidman) and her son, Claude (Zane Pais) travel from Manhattan to Long Island, to attend the wedding of Margot’s sister, Pauline (Jennifer Jason Leigh) to shiftless musician wannabe, Malcolm (Jack Black), whom … Read More

AUSTRALIA

Poffy The Cucumber

Epic Saddlebag Superhero. Being a son of Australia, this movie was calling to my blood. I had to watch it, right? I had to know it, feel it, taste it. And report back on whether it hides behind the faux-Aussie Outback Steakhouse jive, or whether it truly captures the wild frontier Dreamtime spirit of Downunda; the vast ochre countryscapes, the … Read More

THE INTERPRETER

Poffy The Cucumber

Lost In Translation. If you care about whether burnt-out political insurrectionists from fictitious African countries are assassinated or not, this slow-moving thriller is for you. Otherwise, you will watch THE INTERPRETER with one question dogging your suspension of disbelief: “How does a startlingly luminous beauty like Silvia Broome (Nicole Kidman) avoid being flirted with by every single male she comes … Read More

THE PEACEMAKER

Poffy The Cucumber

The Cheesemaker. Infuriatingly predictable and wholly uninvolving, THE PEACEMAKER finds George Clooney in classic head-waggling mode (as Army Intelligence Officer Devoe – hey! I bought his record, Whip It!) and Nicole Kidman in severe-skirted secretary mode (as White House Liaison, Julia Kelly), saving White America from nuke-thieving Russkies who intend to blow up Manhattan. In movies of this ilk, the … Read More