WOLF CREEK 2

Poffy The Cucumber

Oz goes La La. Greg McLean’s WOLF CREEK (2005) was a good movie for a number of reasons, one of them being, it was a body-horror thriller removed from the “Hollywood” system. It oozed Made in Oz. But WOLF CREEK 2, even though helmed by the same director-writer, looks and feels like La La Land. Maybe because it took eight … Read More

14 CAMERAS

Poffy The Cucumber

America’s Perviest Home Videos. The story of the pervert landlord installing hidden cameras to spy on his tenants in 13 CAMERAS may have been disconcerting, but its sequel, 14 CAMERAS, is disturbing on a visceral level. Gerald the Landlord (Neville Archambault, reprising his sickening, remarkable role as the loose-lipped sex pervert) has taken his voyeur pastime to the dark web. … Read More

13 CAMERAS

Poffy The Cucumber

He sees you when you’re sleeping; he knows when you’re awake… His carriage tilts forward when he waddles like a human-hippo hybrid, his breathing labored, his face the pallor of a fetid corpse, his loose-lipped maw hanging open in licentious drool, his stench overwhelming; he looks like the missing link between Neanderthals and Cro-Magnon Man. And he’s watching you. But … Read More

GODZILLA: THE PLANET EATER

Poffy The Cucumber

Existential-zilla. Haunting and bombastic, touching and savage, mind-bending and monstrous, GODZILLA: THE PLANET EATER completes Toho Animation’s daring computer-animated trilogy reimagining Godzilla as destroyer, defiler and deity. As well as the rambunctious production design, evocative cartooning and chilling action sequences, PLANET EATER is a whirlwind of moral conundrums, ulterior agendas and existential magniloquence, as the twisted Cult of Ghidorah calls … Read More

US 2019

Poffy The Cucumber

Comes at us with wild rabbit teeth. Therefore thus saith the Lord, Behold, I will bring evil upon them, which they shall not be able to escape; and though they shall cry unto me, I will not hearken unto them. — Jeremiah 11:11, King James Version A vacationing family find themselves terrorized by another family, whom they discover – is … Read More

THE PIANIST 2002

Poffy The Cucumber

Szpilman’s Liszt. THE PIANIST follows Jewish concert pianist Wladyslaw Szpilman as he hides out from Nazis during the invasion of Poland. It’s not a story about heroes, rather, the story of a Polish man who avoided being one. And lived to play another day. 1939. Wladyslaw “Wladek” Szpilman (Adrien Brody), whom many contend was “the most accomplished pianist in Poland, … Read More

LOOK WHO’S BACK

Poffy The Cucumber

Mein Komödie Kampf. What if Hitler came back in the YouTube age? With modern media at his fingertips, how might Adolf Hitler’s nationalist-socialist message be received? And with most media-drenched dunderheads trigger-ready to follow demagogues, would history repeat itself on a much quicker, more efficient scale? Conversely, if such a charismatic person ever appeared on our clickbait stages, COULD we … Read More

BLACKKKLANSMAN

Poffy The Cucumber

Afro-Con Ameri-Klan. All the scientists who worked in and for Germany in the 1930s lived to regret that they directly helped a sociopath like Hitler harm millions of people. Let us not repeat the same mistakes over and over again. ― Piero Scaruffi, software consultant, lecturer, publisher. There’s that CHAPPELLE’S SHOW sketch of the blind black Klansman who didn’t know … Read More

THOR: RAGNAROK

Poffy The Cucumber

Comedy of Errors. THOR: RAGNAROK finds almighty Asgard, the Realm of the Gods, annihilated, as foretold by prophecy older than time. Oh, and Thor becomes a standup comedian. Bathos, noun: an abrupt and often ludicrous transition from the elevated to the ordinary; the sudden appearance of the commonplace in otherwise elevated matter or style. — Google dictionary. In the most … Read More

SHARKNADO 5: GLOBAL SWARMING

Poffy The Cucumber

Shit-nado. SHARKNADO rained sharks on Los Angeles; SHARKNADO 2 rained sharks on New York; SHARKNADO 3 swamped the White House reign; SHARKNADO 4 made it rain in Las Vegas… and SHARKNADO 5 shits all over the world. Literally and figuratively. SHARKNADO 5 finds shark-slayer Fin (Ian Ziering) and his cyborg wife April (Tara Reid), chasing down a sharknado that has … Read More

BLACK PANTHER

Poffy The Cucumber

Black EmPantherment. “Millions of years ago,” Movie narrates to us, “a special effects meteorite made of vibranium – the strongest substance in the universe – struck the special effects continent of Africa. Five special effects arms rise from the soil to represent the Five Tribes that would form the special effects country of Wakanda. A special effects panther god named … Read More

RUDY: THE RUDY GIULIANI STORY

Poffy The Cucumber

A Scene, a Policy, and 9/11. Rudy Giuliani – there’s only three things he mentions in a sentence: a noun, a verb and 9/11.” — Joe Biden, Democratic Candidate for President, 2008. In 2008, Joe Biden would aptly describe Rudy Giuliani’s tactics for his presidential candidacy. And this 2003 film, RUDY: THE RUDY GIULIANI STORY, does exactly the same: a … Read More

DARKEST HOUR

Poffy The Cucumber

Fight For Your Right – to Dunkirk! He mobilized the English language, and sent it into battle. — Edward R. Murrow. (Accredited to Lord Halifax in DARKEST HOUR.) Oldman does Churchill! The greatest actor of our generation plays the greatest orator of the greatest generation. DARKEST HOUR follows newly-elected British Prime Minister Winston Churchill (Gary Oldman) through Britain’s darkest hour … Read More

LOST IN SPACE – SEASON 1-00: NO PLACE TO HIDE

Poffy The Cucumber

LOST tries to find its way… It’s LOST IN SPACE without Dr. Smith and the Robot, therefore 20% less fruity fun! “No Place To Hide” is the unaired pilot (Episode 00) of the 1965 TV series LOST IN SPACE, where the Robinson family, on their pioneering quest to Alpha Centauri, is thrown off course and into deep space adventures. The … Read More

JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR 2018

Poffy The Cucumber

SUPERSTAR falters, as Legend lacks. Poor John Legend! He’s a great soulful rhythm and blues vocalist, a great composer, a great performer; he’s won Oscars, Grammys, Golden Globes and Tonys; he’s a friend to the last great American president, Barack Obama, and he was instrumental in bringing a whole generation to that inspiring 2008 election. He’s a producer, actor and … Read More

THE SHAPE OF WATER

Poffy The Cucumber

Interspecies Love and the Balls it Requires. Like the aqua spawn of THE CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON and Abe Sapien from HELLBOY, our collective consciousness accepts the “Gill Man” as a species; a familiar alien entity in our science fiction. Yet in Guillermo del Toro’s unique THE SHAPE OF WATER, the Gill Man has transcended the species demarcation and … Read More

BARRY

Poffy The Cucumber

Waking from daddy daydreams. Young Obama! BARRY shows us the future 44th president of the United States, Barack Obama, landing in New York as a hopeful college student in search of himself. And some ill manky-g. This remarkable leader, this orator, this first “black” president, will surely have countless other biographies in store, not least for dragging America out of … Read More

LONDON HAS FALLEN

Poffy The Cucumber

Secret Service Superman. LONDON HAS FALLEN follows in the same vein as its predecessor, OLYMPUS HAS FALLEN – a gritty actioner that puts the American president in peril, so his bromantic bodyguard can save him. The terrorists are winning again. Movie opens on a Middle Eastern wedding party near Pakistan, which is blown sky-high by an American missile, taking the … Read More

SPIDER-MAN: HOMECOMING

Poffy The Cucumber

This ain’t your daddy’s underoos… SPIDER-MAN: HOMECOMING follows the retconned Peter Parker in his quest to become Tony Stark’s bottom bitch. It’s one of the best superhero movies of the modern era, capturing the tone, humor and desires of its hero perfectly. But is nobody going to protest the blatant retroactive continuity on Spider-Man’s suit? I guess not, because experiencing … Read More

THE TIME TRAVELERS

Poffy The Cucumber

Time and Time Again – Stealing from H.G. Wells. Not to be confused with the vanilla TIME CHASERS (1994, featuring that cleft-chinned Canadian anti-leading man), THE TIME TRAVELERS is one of those classic 1960’s thought experiments where scientists accidentally trap themselves in a bleak, blasted future society of 2071 – a “future” which is closer to our present, so which … Read More