PATHS OF GLORY

Poffy The Cucumber

Paths of Gory. When it comes to dying for your country, it’s better not to die at all. — Lewis Ayres, ALL QUIET ON THE WESTERN FRONT. The quote from ALL QUIET ON THE WESTERN FRONT may be misconstrued. If there really was such a thing as “dying for your country,” it would be stupid enough, but no one ever really … Read More

THE READER

Poffy The Cucumber

Bedtime for Hitler. Post-Nazi West Germany. A young boy vomits on the street in a rainstorm, in Neustadt, 1958. An older woman helps him. What follows? Full frontal sex, sex and much more sex. In between reading, reading and much more reading. Well, the movie is called THE READER, a heavy-handed, manipulative “romance” tale that will tear-jerk those who are inclined … Read More

HAROLD AND KUMAR ESCAPE FROM GUANTANAMO BAY

Poffy The Cucumber

Laffing it up lamely, while the world bleeds shamely… In HAROLD AND KUMAR ESCAPE FROM GUANTANAMO BAY, Harold (John Cho) and Kumar (Kal Penn), are mistaken for “terrorists” on a plane to Amsterdam, and are thrown into Guantanamo Bay prison facility, without any trial, legal counsel or investigation. Just the way the criminal Bush Klan like it. Whereas the first … Read More

THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST

Poffy The Cucumber

The Bashin’ of The Christ. Yeah, this is what all those other Jesus movies have been missing – the TORTURE. If you’re gonna bash Jesus, you might as well bash him right. Okay, send me your hate mail and get it over with. But Mel, not me, does more bashing of your effeminate savior than every other Jesus movie in … Read More

WAR, INC.

Poffy The Cucumber

Orwell’s 1984 meets W.’s 2004. War is the improvement of investment climates by other means. — Ben Kingsley, WAR, INC. WAR, INC. is political satire almost blacker than George W. Bush’s rectum heart, but wildly funnier than his misshapen weasel head. The opening text hits too close to the bone: “In the 21st Century, great corporations will bestride the Earth … Read More

SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE

Poffy The Cucumber

Hip to be Slumdog. I’m gonna get skewered for this – but only if you are not aware of the land of my forecumbers. Just as black people are the only ones allowed to call each other N-Words, my cucumber patch being originally from Madras earns me the right to satire paka Indian-English and get away with it. He’s not … Read More

VALKYRIE

Poffy The Cucumber

Plight of the Valkyries. When I heard Tom Cruise was to play a World War II Nazi, I laughed my LMAO off. Tough sell for a non-actor. And by non-actor, I mean movie star. And by movie star, I mean he can’t act.But then it all comes clear. The role was Colonel von Stauffenberg, who was involved in one of … Read More

GET SMART 2008

Poffy The Cucumber

Get Dumb. And Dumber. Who wrote this crap? Would you believe…? Well, it wasn’t Mel Brooks and Buck Henry. Their Maxwell Smart (personified by Don Adams) was hilarious. As the creators-writers of the 1965 television series, GET SMART, they are listed as “creative consultants” as soon as the end credits roll. It’s as if the writers of this torpid remake … Read More

FROST/NIXON

Poffy The Cucumber

and the Truth shall set you bleed… Peace/War. Life/Death. Truth/Lies. Frost/Nixon. Based on Peter Morgan’s stage play of the same name, from the stunning real life interviews that ex-president Richard M. Nixon granted British television host, David Frost in 1977, Ron Howard‘s compelling FROST/NIXON does what Oliver Stone’s milky W. never could – it gets the job done.What job is … Read More

THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL

Poffy The Cucumber

The Film that Moved the Earth. In 1951, in the shadow of the Cold War, in the grip of McCarthyism, as America slid into the Atomic Age, THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL was just another stanky B-Movie science fiction thriller with a sanctimonious message of the human race on the edge of doom. Somehow, it rose above the engine … Read More

THE 9/11 COMMISSION REPORT

Poffy The Cucumber

History rewritten. And rewritten. And rewritten… We’ll never know The Truth about 9/11. And this shoddy movie proves it. I recently watched a YouTube report claiming there were no planes involved in the Twin Towers’ destruction; that all the news programs were supposedly provided with same-angle shots of the Towers from a mysterious source (probably the gubmint?), and in that … Read More

REDACTED

Poffy The Cucumber

Hell on Earth, overlorded by Satan Bush. Iraq calls America The Great Satan. REDACTED shows us why. Written and directed by Brian de Palma, we follow a small cadre of American troops for a few explosive havoc days of rape and murder in Samara, Iraq. Based on a real account of the rape and murder of a 15-year-old Samara girl, … Read More

CHARLIE WILSON’S WAR

Poffy The Cucumber

Owned By His Own War. Before George H.W. Bush sold weapons to Saddam, before Ronald Reagan sold weapons to Iran, before George W. Bush lost 190,000 guns in Iraq – there was Tom Hanks, selling weapons to the Mujahedeen. A splinter group of the Mujahedeen would later become the Taliban. Thanks again, American Politicians. In the Mike Nichols-directed political intriguer, … Read More

STOP-LOSS

Poffy The Cucumber

Nothing Stops the Loss. “FUCK THE PRESIDENT!” I didn’t say it. Ryan Phillippe did. In its stunning 37th minute, STOP-LOSS gets raw as Staff Sergeant Brandon King (Phillippe) protests being “stop-lossed” – involuntarily deployed again after his voluntary service to the U.S. military has ended. The Stop-Loss program is exactly what it sounds like: a fine print clause in military … Read More

W.

Poffy The Cucumber

Putting the W in WMD. First came RAIN MAN. Then FORREST GUMP. Now, in a long line of congenital idiots, comes W. But wait, Bushies! Do not dismiss this movie as leftie revisionist conspiracy. Director Oliver Stone‘s W. is a fair and balanced representation of America’s 43rd president, George Walker Bush. Insert joke: “which means it shows him as the … Read More

RELIGULOUS

Poffy The Cucumber

Maher Messiah. Movies should make you think; at the very least, entertain. Ironically, that’s why RELIGULOUS fails. We who already “think” have weighed the evidence and know the truth about the lie of religion (therefore, this movie is not making us think any more than we already do – and as “entertainment,” it’s frustrating), whereas those who don’t think – … Read More

TERRORIST IS THE NEW NIGGER | How The Rednecks stay one step ahead of us.

Jon Dunmore

JOHN MCCAIN’S STORY SO FAR: First the Republican nominee for president assured us that the “fundamentals of the economy were strong.” On seeing coffee flying out of everyone’s noses at that assertion, he changed his mind. Then the suggestion was to fire the Chairman of the SEC. Informed that a president isn’t allowed to fire a Chairman of the SEC, … Read More

LIONS FOR LAMBS

Poffy The Cucumber

Roaring Thunder for Republican Muttonheads. Lest we forget: Robert Redford once brought down Satan Nixon in ALL THE PRESIDENT’S MEN; in LIONS FOR LAMBS, he goes for the neck-wattle of Demon W. Bush. Razor-sharp writing, controlled direction, magnificent performances, LIONS FOR LAMBS is a wake up call to America – wake up and smell the lunatic euphemisms the Republican administration … Read More

IN THE VALLEY OF ELAH

Poffy The Cucumber

Into the Valley of Death… ‘Forward, the Light Brigade!’ Was there a man dismay’d ? Not tho’ the soldier knew Some one had blunder’d: Theirs not to make reply, Theirs not to reason why, Theirs but to do & die, Into the valley of Death Rode the six hundred. — “The Charge of The Light Brigade,” Alfred, Lord Tennyson. The … Read More

BE KIND REWIND

Poffy The Cucumber

Be Kind – Put this movie out of its misery. BE KIND REWIND looks great in the trailers. In long form, not so hot. Mos Def is an excellent actor. Jack Black is an even better comedy tornado. So putting them together in BE KIND REWIND should have begat gold – instead, a debacle as unfunny as your VHS tape … Read More