IN THE VALLEY OF ELAH

Poffy The Cucumber

Into the Valley of Death… ‘Forward, the Light Brigade!’ Was there a man dismay’d ? Not tho’ the soldier knew Some one had blunder’d: Theirs not to make reply, Theirs not to reason why, Theirs but to do & die, Into the valley of Death Rode the six hundred. — “The Charge of The Light Brigade,” Alfred, Lord Tennyson. The … Read More

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BE KIND REWIND

Poffy The Cucumber

Be Kind – Put this movie out of its misery. BE KIND REWIND looks great in the trailers. In long form, not so hot. Mos Def is an excellent actor. Jack Black is an even better comedy tornado. So putting them together in BE KIND REWIND should have begat gold – instead, a debacle as unfunny as your VHS tape … Read More

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TRANSFORMERS

Poffy The Cucumber

More Than Meets The Eye-Strain. The CGI prowess in the movie TRANSFORMERS almost makes us forget that this film is for people who still play with action figures. Directed by Michael Bay and his motion-sickness cameras, this overwrought production revolves around the All Spark, a mechanical-mystical cube that has knotted the steel knickers of two races of giant robots engaged … Read More

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THE SONG OF BERNADETTE

Poffy The Cucumber

Song Sung Kazoo. CAVEAT LECTOR: This one’s not for everyone: if you’ve ever tried healing your gammy leg or brain cancer by visiting a TV preacher and “believing” that god will heal you – you might want to entreat your invisible, unseen, unheard, unfelt deity to strike me down for this article. Let’s see if I outrage His Imaginary Highness enough… … Read More

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WALL-E

Poffy The Cucumber

Domo Arigato, Mr Roboto! Earth. 700 years in the desolate future. A small robot that looks like E.T. crossed with the Mars Rover Sojourner blissfully rolls along on little tank treads, compacting trash into cubes that he builds into towering trash skyscrapers. He is a Waste Allocation Load Lifter, Earth class – WALL-E. Humankind has abandoned the ravaged Earth, leaving … Read More

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BREACH

Poffy The Cucumber

Scapegoat for a far more evil government. The tagline of BREACH squeals: “Inspired by the true story of the greatest security breach in U.S. history.” I find that hard to believe. For many reasons, the most compelling being the current Amerikan political environment: by 2007, the United States was staggering, knees buckling under the killing burden of a patently criminal … Read More

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AMERICAN GANGSTER

Poffy The Cucumber

Smooth Criminal. Whadaya know – Crime DOES pay! Or so it seems at the conclusion of AMERICAN GANGSTER, when a career gangster and a struggling cop are laffing it up in a montage, collaborating to bring down the gangster’s empire. Now why would they be doing that? I’ll get to that subtle mismanaged message in a moment. Hmm, a movie … Read More

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RENDITION

Poffy The Cucumber

Lessons in Amerikan Euphemism. THE LIE: “America doesn’t torture.” THE PLOT: CIA authorizes kidnapping and torture of a suspected terrorist in a misguided attempt to thwart further terrorism. THE EUPHEMISM: “extraordinary rendition.” THE TRUTH: America DOES torture. All my life I’ve regarded the word “rendition” to mean “the act of rendering.” So how the hell does it come to mean … Read More

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DEATH SENTENCE

Poffy The Cucumber

Sizzling Bacon. The actual sequel to Charles Bronson’s 1974 DEATH WISH, the movie DEATH SENTENCE (written by same author, Brian Garfield, in 1975) delivers a solid thematic punch, pounding us with the message that if enacted decisively and quickly, vigilante revenge can be fruitful and satisfying, but dilutes its own message with its sappy denouement. (So many movies chicken out … Read More

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AMERICA: FREEDOM TO FASCISM

Poffy The Cucumber

American Dream-mare. Michael Moore wishes he could go this deep. Income tax is illegal. It’s not a radical battle cry – it’s the Constitution. Now that you can’t un-know that fact, life is going to get real scary… In the documentary AMERICA: FREEDOM TO FASCISM, film-maker Aaron Russo (producer behind THE ROSE and TRADING PLACES), goes on a quest to … Read More

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THE U.S. VS JOHN LENNON

Poffy The Cucumber

Working Class Hero. David Leaf’s and John Scheinfeld’s THE U.S. VS. JOHN LENNON is an insular little diversion, showcasing Lennon’s post-Beatles period when his activist voice made the United States government tremble in its widdle booties. Taking a stand against the Viet Nam War (back in the day when “peacenik” was not a four-letter word), allying with activists Abbie Hoffman, … Read More

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LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD

Poffy The Cucumber

In Bruce We Trust. Never trust a computer you can’t throw out your window. – Steve “Woz” Wozniak. This mess is not his fault; he’d rather be home with a cold one; he’s no superman, just an average guy who must act like a super man – and I think he’s wearing the same sweaty shirt from DIE HARD (1988). … Read More

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SICKO

Poffy The Cucumber

After years of research (during the past two weeks) and experimentation with hallucinogenic drugs (mainly on other people), I have returned from the edge of time slightly drunk and bearing in my green man-purse a tale of unkempt horror. Michael Moore, free thinker, bids us think freer. Time is ripe for revolution. But – if the actions of the biased, … Read More

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GALLIPOLI

Poffy The Cucumber

Military Unintelligence. Peter Weir’s stirring anti-war epic, GALLIPOLI, has a heart as large as Western Australia, a sweep as wide as its blue-chiseled skies and – Mel Gibson’s naked 24-year-old bottom. GALLIPOLI is not about Gallipoli. The botched Australian and New Zealand Armed Corp (ANZAC) landing at that Turkish beach in 1915 is merely the backdrop to Weir’s wondrous character … Read More

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THE LAST KING OF SCOTLAND

Poffy The Cucumber

While watching this movie, comparison between the mad past President of Uganda and the mad current President of America becomes unavoidable. This review somehow skews into that of full-blooded political rant somewhere east of crazy town, where Cheney and Rice enjoy peaceful Middle Eastern town strolls with John McCain in Kevlar vests. Apologies. – Poffy the Cucumber. Acid Reign. No … Read More

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Virginia Tech Shootings 2007 | The Killing Of American Scruples

Jon Dunmore

The Killing Of American Scruples.   gather from all the psycho-babble that the technical term for the sniper at Virginia Tech University is “Unbelievable Dickhead.” So, to exercise something which the nationwide news networks have forgotten should be the cornerstone of their existence – scruples – I refuse to name the Unbelievable Dickhead responsible for the deaths of 32 people … Read More

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SHOOTER

Poffy The Cucumber

Shooter is Sharp but Misses the Marky. SHOOTER achieves that balance between action, political skullduggery, pretty orange explosions and Mark Wahlberg’s big guns (and I don’t mean his military sniper rifles), which notches it a cut above most political thrillers of its paranoid ilk – until its pat ending. With his shrapnel-explosive performance in THE DEPARTED, Wahlberg shrugged off the … Read More

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CHILDREN OF MEN

Poffy The Cucumber

Brave New Future Shocker. If there is a Best Badass Tough Guy Overcoat category, Clive Owen should sweep the field. In CHILDREN OF MEN, a refreshingly original drama, Owen pecks at a few fashion police warnings (jeans and cardigan, flip-flops, shoeless, office guy couture), but it is only when he dons that long, black overcoat that he actually gets something … Read More

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NATIONAL TREASURE

Poffy The Cucumber

Precious Little. NATIONAL TREASURE is an old-fashioned treasure hunt, amped with modern technological idiocy, salted with a snide dig at the political laziness of the American people coupled with a sly j’accuse at their insuperably asinine government. Treasure hunter Benjamin Franklin Gates (a characteristically mourning-faced Nicolas Cage, as the descendant of the descendant twice-removed of whatever) must steal the original Declaration … Read More

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SPIDER-MAN 2

Poffy The Cucumber

Spider Sense-tingling. Grander, faster, slicker than its predecessor, director Sam Raimi’s SPIDER-MAN 2 is more action-packed, more thrill-rided, more rollercoastered than SPIDER-MAN (2002) – but though its plaudits stretch skyscraper tall, its demerits run Mariana Trench deep. Based loosely on the comicbook episode Spider-man No More, plot finds Dr. Otto Octavius (Alfred Molina, in strapping scenery-chewing mien) “tampering in God’s … Read More

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