BREAKING BAD SEASON ONE

Poffy The Cucumber

Another Fine Meth You’ve Gotten Us Into, Yo! BREAKING BAD is about a man who finds his balls. Walter White (Bryan Cranston) is a middle class suburban chemistry teacher with a wife and crippled son, who discovers he has cancer, and stumbles into a situation that allows him to create inordinate wealth to provide for his family before he dies … Read More

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THE HOBBIT: THE BATTLE OF THE FIVE ARMIES

Poffy The Cucumber

The wrath of Tolkien, the majesty of Jackson, the fickleness of Fandom. Wizard Peter Jackson concludes the movie trilogy that stole his baby fat. THE HOBBIT comes to a spectacular end – greed, fury, purity of heart and interspecies love – to the wonderment of appreciative moviegoers and the chagrin of sniveling purists. THE HOBBIT: THE BATTLE OF THE FIVE … Read More

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GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY

Poffy The Cucumber

The D-List goes A-Team. He’s committed to the ridiculous in a way that is sublime. — Joss Whedon on James Gunn helming GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY. It’s hip, it’s modern, it’s retro. It’s colorful and calamitous. It’s THE GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY!– The Who of the What now? Marvel Studios throws the dice and comes up Ee-Oh-Eleven with an unknown … Read More

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SUDDENLY

Poffy The Cucumber

Suddenly Moral Ambiguity. An assassination attempt on the president of the United States – by Ol’ Blue Eyes! In a bucolic American town named SUDDENLY, three men posing as FBI take a residential family hostage, using the family’s house as a vantage point to assassinate the president. Frank Sinatra (FROM HERE TO ETERNITY, 1953) is John Baron, the crazy-eyed leader … Read More

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HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN

Poffy The Cucumber

Azkabana-fo-fana. Harry Potter’s getting on to “that age.” At the opening of HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN, we meet him in bed under the blankets, playing with his wand. And Hermione is – how shall I say this without sounding as perverse as the rest of you who deny you’re looking? – budding… And Ron is still a … Read More

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HARRY POTTER AND THE SORCERER’S STONE

Poffy The Cucumber

Hogwild at Hogwarts. You know that one obstinate guy in the world who hasn’t read any of the Harry Potter books? I’m that cucumber. Confession over, Movie Maniacs. Let’s see what this Harry Potter movie is all about… HARRY POTTER AND THE SORCERER’S STONE, we meet young British boy-wizard Harry Potter (Daniel Radcliffe), and tag along as his eyes are … Read More

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28 DAYS

Poffy The Cucumber

Alco-bollocks Anonymous. Hey, Alcoholics, Do you really want to be portrayed this way? Not only having to go through the physical pain of withdrawal, the humiliation of prostrating yourself in front of snide voyeurs, the loss of income, respect and friendship, now you also have to endure 28 DAYS representing your rehabilitation as kindergarten for grownups with mental disorders. So, … Read More

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DEEP PURPLE: CALIFORNIA JAM

Poffy The Cucumber

Slammin’ Jammin’. Immortal! They just don’t play ’em like this anymore. As the sun set over the Californian suburbs of Pomona, Chino and Rancho Cucamonga on April 6th, 1974, after an hour’s delay, the loudest band in the world, Deep Purple, would take the stage at Ontario Speedway for the California Jam Festival. DEEP PURPLE: CALIFORNIA JAM is a vintage … Read More

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GODZILLA: KING OF THE MONSTERS

Poffy The Cucumber

Trying to fix something that ain’t broke – and breaking it. No, it’s NOT just the same movie re-edited. I speak for all cucumber reviewers when I contend – nay, insist – that the 1956 American re-edit of GODZILLA (1954), re-titled GODZILLA: KING OF THE MONSTERS, cannot, must not and should NEVER be reviewed with the original, even as a … Read More

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GODZILLA VS. MOTHRA

Poffy The Cucumber

Godzilla’s Mothman Chronicles. The laugh-out-loud moment in GODZILLA VS. MOTHRA: Mothra uses his tiny little mothy feet to grab Godzilla’s tail and fly backwards, dragging Godzilla backwards along the ground, while Godzilla claws for purchase. The strength of this fluffy Lepidopteran! It’s another fine day in Tokyo, meaning it’s soon going to be raining daikaiju. (Thank you Toho Company!) A … Read More

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GODZILLA 2014

Poffy The Cucumber

Kaiju in battle for Gojira-san so mighty oouaah! Giant creatures threaten San Francisco and Kick-Ass is there to stop them! GODZILLA 2014 reinvents reimagines regurgitates the King of the Monsters on American shores (and tries to take insidious credit for the property, with its “American Godzilla” tag – assholes!) Exemplary production values separate it from every single other GODZILLA movie … Read More

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12 YEARS A SLAVE

Poffy The Cucumber

Twelve Thousand Years A Slave… and Counting… 12 YEARS A SLAVE is a great movie on its surface, is a horrible story when viewed in context of American history and is unspeakably terrifying when placed against the larger sociological canvas. I’ll explain all this in a moment if you’ll just stop fussing about the n-word… on the surface 12 YEARS … Read More

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THE DARK KNIGHT RISES

Poffy The Cucumber

Darkest Knight. 60 years ago writer-director Christopher Nolan would have been one of the premier exponents of film noir. Conceptually and cinematically, his DARK KNIGHT trilogy is one of the most somber excursions into dual personality crises, moral relativism, vigilantism and nihilism. And Batman would have been Humphrey Bogart. “Here’s lookin’ at you, Gotham…” Just as dour as Bogart, Christian … Read More

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AMERICAN HUSTLE

Poffy The Cucumber

Set The Controls For The Heart Of The Scum. Guess what? Politicians are corrupt. And confidence men act as liaison between politicians and mobsters to secure illegal funds for the politicians. And the FBI cannot curb any of this corruption because they’re fist-in-glove with the politicians and mobsters. This is American politics. Hell, this is world politics. So are the … Read More

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LIFE OF PI

Poffy The Cucumber

The Gripe with Pi. Get rid of all the religiosity and Ang Lee‘s LIFE OF PI would be an intriguing adventure and unique thought experiment. But with the muck of God pervading every second line of dialogue, it makes me want to crucify somebody. Indian teen Pi Patel (Suraj Sharma) is onboard a ship, journeying with his family from India … Read More

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THE IDES OF MARCH

Poffy The Cucumber

Et Tu, Gosling? Campaigns turn our politicians into lunatics. — Tina Brown, “The Daily Beast.” THE IDES OF MARCH opens with campaign manager Steve Meyers (Ryan Gosling) at a podium, spotlit, declaring, “I’m not a Christian, I’m not an atheist. What I believe in is the Constitution of the United States of America.” He is reciting from prepared notes for … Read More

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GRAVITY

Poffy The Cucumber

GRAVITY is all force, no weight. Isaac Newton can at last rest easy in the grave he’s been turning in since STAR WARS brainwashed everyone into thinking it was a space movie even whilst failing to exhibit one iota of any attribute of being in space. GRAVITY showcases Newton’s laws of gravitation and physics in magnificent ubiquity. It’s as close … Read More

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THE CHALLENGER DISASTER

Poffy The Cucumber

Hubris Greed Politics vs. Genius. For a successful technology, reality must take precedence over public relations, for nature cannot be fooled. — Richard Feynman, “Report to Congress on Challenger Investigation 1986.” Indepth chronicle of Dr. Richard Feynman’s investigation into the Space Shuttle Challenger’s 1986 explosion. When I first heard about the TV movie, THE CHALLENGER DISASTER, I shrugged it off, … Read More

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GAME CHANGE

Poffy The Cucumber

The Rise and Fall of Stupid. The news is no longer meant to be important. It’s just entertainment. — Steve Schmidt, McCain-Palin senior advisor. I don’t think much of Julianne Moore as an actress. And I despise Sarah Palin as a politician and human being. But Julianne Moore playing Sarah Palin? Priceless! In the HBO movie, GAME CHANGE, Moore gives … Read More

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LINCOLN

Poffy The Cucumber

When Republicans bore resemblance to the human species… A bunch of old, out-of-touch white guys babbling about slavery. The Republican Party hasn’t changed much. Well, back then, as the party of LINCOLN, they were trying to free the slaves; nowadays, they’re working to get them all back. My main question about this ambitious film is: With all the camera operators, … Read More

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