THE LEGEND OF HERCULES

Poffy The Cucumber

Homer meets Chippendale’s. The movie 300 had rough dungeon sex with GLADIATOR and they had a dim-witted child called THE LEGEND OF HERCULES. Kellan Lutz (TWILIGHT saga) co-stars with his expressionless face as Hercules, the son of Zeus and a mortal woman, who would become a slave. The slave who became a gladiator. The gladiator who defied an empire—wait, uh… … Read More

TAKEN 2

Poffy The Cucumber

Istanbullshit. Great KEY & PEELE sketch where two valets who are action movie fanatics drool maniacally in their frenetic praises of Liam Neeson, calling him ‘Liam Neesons’ in TAKEN and TAKEN 2 (which they call TOOKEN and TOOKEN 2), their heads eventually exploding in fervor over Neesons and their other boy ‘Bruce Willy.’ So here we are at TOOKEN 2. … Read More

MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE 2

Poffy The Cucumber

Highway to the Ambivalent Zone. Exciting? Yes. Stupid? Impossibly. Super spy Ethan Hunt (an incredibly smug Tom Cruise) must stop villain Sean Ambrose (Dougray Scott) from spreading a genetically modified disease in Australia. Taking his cues from every reputable pharm corporation, Ambrose wants to spread the Chimera virus in order to sell the cure, called Bellerophon, buying enough stocks in … Read More

X-MEN: FIRST CLASS

Poffy The Cucumber

Homo superior, Bromo superior. How annoyed am I? Pretty damn annoyed! Annoyed that this is such a fantastic movie. Based on such a fantastic lie! To have the brass balls to call your movie X-MEN: FIRST CLASS (implying the team featured in Marvel Comics X-Men #1, published 1963) and then to cram your movie with second class X-Men is the … Read More

EYES WIDE SHUT

Poffy The Cucumber

Pants Wide Open. Stanley Kubrick directs EYES WIDE SHUT with his pants wide open. Elegant somberness, lurid themes, disturbing visuals, foreboding music, screaming colors. And tits. Tits tits tits. Not banana teats, cow udders or raisins either, but perfectly-rounded, gently-sloped baseballs to cantaloupes. On women ivory-legged, flat-bellied, pear-buttocked, butter-smooth, hungry-lipped, not one a notch below 9. Call it art. Call … Read More

SHOOTER

Poffy The Cucumber

Shooter is Sharp but Misses the Marky. SHOOTER achieves that balance between action, political skullduggery, pretty orange explosions and Mark Wahlberg’s big guns (and I don’t mean his military sniper rifles), which notches it a cut above most political thrillers of its paranoid ilk – until its pat ending. With his shrapnel-explosive performance in THE DEPARTED, Wahlberg shrugged off the … Read More

SNATCH

Poffy The Cucumber

SNATCH will grab. Released on the heels of his stylish, dangerous LOCK, STOCK AND TWO SMOKING BARRELS, SNATCH simultaneously solidified the grit-edged, flamethrower directorial style of Guy Ritchie, even as it launched Jason Statham into his TRANSPORTER leading man roles; heralded an altogether explosive performance from Alan Ford as Brick Top; proved yet again the go-to value of Rade Sherbedgia … Read More

BATMAN BEGINS

Poffy The Cucumber

Dark Knight Reconstructionist Theory. Droves of bats against an ocher sunset, teasing out the infamous Bat Logo on the sky with their swarming bodies; the first five seconds of BATMAN BEGINS are scintillating. Then it just keeps getting better. If there is bedrock truth in the axiom, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it,” then surely the inverse is also … Read More

SPACE COWBOYS

Poffy The Cucumber

American Hero Sandwich. There is a rare breed of animal in the world, outside any established morality, divorced from mundane reality, mythically above many of its technically superior kin; that animal is – The Clint Eastwood Movie. Clint Eastwood is an American Hero. And Clint Eastwood Movies deal with the nature of Heroism. SPACE COWBOYS is a Clint Eastwood Movie, … Read More