I Tawt I Taw A Puddy Twat. BUNNYMAN will kill you with cuteness. Literally kill you. In the middle of Nowhere, America, six abysmal actors on a road trip are stalked and killed by a guy wearing a cute bunny suit. Good. Full marks to filmmaker Carl Lindbergh for writing, producing, directing and editing this cult slasher film, but NO … Read More
PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE
No Plan. Hubcaps terrorize process shots of Los Angeles, while aliens try to save humanity from itself by turning dead people into bad actors. PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE is filmwanker Ed Wood’s love letter to science fiction plagiarism, its premise stolen directly from 1951’s THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL – that of aliens warning Earth to stop advancing … Read More
THE LAST SHARKNADO: IT’S ABOUT TIME
Shark Fin Stupe. THE LAST SHARKNADO: IT’S ABOUT TIME is about the first sharknado, and how Fin the shark hunter travels back to prehistoric times to stop it, thereby negating all further sharknadoes and saving the planet from having to witness the bombastic mindlessness of any SHARKNADO movies. He fails. Because obviously this is the sixth SHARKNADO shit sandwich. And … Read More
DARKNESS RISING
Terrifying Inadequacy. Three 20-somethings explore a decrepit house and die from ghosts. So it’s a happy ending. Because we started rooting for the ghosts about five minutes in. Blond valley girl Madison (Tara Holt), drags her non-actor boyfriend Jake (Bryce Johnson) and bestie Izzy (Katrina Law) to the cranky old house of her youth, which is scheduled for demolition. Madison’s … Read More
THE BRADY BUNCH IN THE WHITE HOUSE
A White House impossibly stupider than W’s. At a press conference, Mike Brady summarizes the mildly insane plot of THE BRADY BUNCH IN THE WHITE HOUSE: “Bobby was playing in an abandoned warehouse where he really shouldn’t’ve been. But he was. Then he found a lottery ticket which he shouldn’t’ve taken. But he did. And then one thing led to … Read More
THE ROOM
It is not a good film! It is naaht! A scheming whore and a bad actor circle the drain in THE ROOM. Strange visitor from another planet, Tommy Wiseau writes, directs and stars in what has become infamous as “the worst movie ever made.” Johnny (Tommy Wiseau, who looks like a holdover from a Sunset Strip metal band in the … Read More
YONGARY: MONSTER FROM THE DEEP
Godzilla – South Korea edition. After an unnecessary prelude with a married couple, a rocket orbit for no reason (the filmmakers displaying their complete ineptitude on space program dialect), and an earthquake caused by a dropped nuke, all of which have no connection to one another, but somehow share the same movie-space – out pops YONGARY! Looks like someone was … Read More
STARCRASH
Star what now?– A smoking hot chick in a bikini, a robot named Larry the Cable Guy and a guy with a perm to die for, go in search of Princess David Hasselhoff, who is the son of Christopher Plummer, the Emperor of the First Circle of the Universe. Stop laughing. It’s STARCRASH, a film which outright plagiarizes STAR WARS … Read More
CRY WILDERNESS
Big Mistake Afoot. CRY WILDERNESS boasts the laziest Bigfoot costume in cinema history. Are they punking us? No, I think they’re serious. Irritating son, ranger father who looks more like a trucker, Native American who “spent too much time at college rather than in the wild,” and a muscled tracker wearing a mesh shirt to show off said muscles. A … Read More
NATIONAL LAMPOON’S CHRISTMAS VACATION
Tidings of no comfort, no joy. I’ll tell you why I hate Chevy Chase. As much as Charlie Chaplin, Buster Keaton, Groucho Marx and Jerry Lewis worked on honing their comedic craft, the talent-less drogue Chevy Chase has done exactly the opposite. Chase can be compared to his equally talent-less contemporary, singer Ozzy Osbourne; both Chevy and Ozzy ride the … Read More
SANTA CLAUS: THE MOVIE
Idiot Clause. I feel most embarrassed for Dudley Moore. What a talent! Wasted in SANTA CLAUS: THE MOVIE; not just wasted, but defiled, besmirched, and shat upon! SANTA CLAUS: THE MOVIE is a nauseating mess of brainless plotlines and platitudes. The trailers allude to the villain: “Now someone wants to take the magic out of Christmas!” Don’t look now, movie, … Read More
SHARKNADO: THE 4TH AWAKENS
‘Tard-nado. When Gary Busey is the smartest person in your movie, you’ve got a real fucken problem. Busey is scientist Dr. Loosedentures in SHARKNADO: THE 4TH AWAKENS, the fourth film in a franchise which should be expunged from filmic archives with extreme prejudice for systematically dismantling the intelligence of an American population that is already teetering on the edge of … Read More
SHARKNADO 3: OH HELL NO!
Trumpeting Incompetence. When David Hasselhoff is the best actor in your movie, you’ve got a real fucken problem. Clearly preempting a suitable title for any review, SHARKNADO 3: OH HELL NO! takes all that is good about movie-making and science and acting, and shit-squirts it up against the wall like dysentery. Director Anthony C. Ferrante and writer Thunder Levin got … Read More
HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL 1999
Haunting Incompetence. It’s not the fact it’s a remake of the Vincent Price comedy HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL from 1959; it’s not the fact the ghosts are real now, instead of manufactured by the unbalanced host; it’s not even the fact Chris Kattan is here, who, on an acting scale of Chris O’Donnell to Gary Oldman – is a Minus … Read More
THE PROPHECY II
The Angelic Boast. Angel Gabriel (Christopher Walken) is thrown out of hell by Lucifer, and proceeds to cause hell on Earth by starring in THE PROPHECY II. Dying at the end of the previous film (THE PROPHECY) meant nothing to Gabriel, as dying at the end of this movie will mean nothing as well. Why then, expend all this effort … Read More
GAMERA: SUPER MONSTER
Tired Turtle. Stock footage Gamera re-battles all his favorite foes for his target demo – Japanese schoolchildren in painfully tight shorts. GAMERA: SUPER MONSTER is the final in the “Showa” series, which includes all the badly-acted, badly-produced GAMERA films since his inception in 1965. In a long line of worst films, Daiei Studios saved the absolute worst for last, aiming … Read More
GAMERA VS. VIRAS
Octopustulent. In a cold open, a bumblebee spaceship with English-speaking aliens attack Earth because it’s the planet most like theirs in the universe. Actual logic in a GAMERA movie! Then Gamera the giant flying turtle attacks the spaceship because – whatever. An unseen commander onboard the ship, who might just be Richard Burton, elocutes orders to his unseen crew, and … Read More
MANOS: THE HANDS OF FATE
Not dead the way you know it. He is with us always. Not dead the way you know it. MANOS THE HANDS OF FATE is to movies what a car accident with a head in the street is to traffic. Untold tragedy. People die. Lives change. No, that’s not the car accident – that’s from watching MANOS. But you cannot … Read More
GAMERA VS. GUIRON
A Real Cutup. GAMERA VS. GUIRON is the fifth entry in the giant turtle’s series, continuing in the dopey footsteps of his great uncle Godzilla. After a first movie introduction where he was all about wanton destruction, by now he has been re-rendered as “friend to children.” And stupidity reaches a new turtle dimension. Two young boys accidentally fly a … Read More
KING DINOSAUR
King Dinosaur Dropping. Four gifted scientists travel to the planet Nova in a technologically advanced spaceship and discover a prehistoric world, coming face to face with a Tyrannosaurus rex… Nah, actually four ignorant doofuses, the Teen Models of their day, travel to an imaginary planet that the excitable narrator makes up on the spot, in a child’s idea of a … Read More