GODZILLA VS. MONSTER ZERO

Poffy The Cucumber

The Shark Jumpty Dance. GODZILLA VS. MONSTER ZERO is a perfect exemplar of why Godzilla movies are so bad. And – I know what you’re thinking – it’s NOT because of the guys in the rubber suits. It’s because even within the world of the movie – Nothing. Makes. Sense. This movie – like so many other “Godzilla movies” of … Read More

GHIDORAH: THE THREE HEADED MONSTER

Poffy The Cucumber

Shooting laser beams at our balls. “The flying saucer people are obviously not going to arrive tonight.” The “Flying Saucer People”? Maybe that’s why. That’s one of the more sensible lines in GHIDORAH: THE THREE-HEADED MONSTER, another dimwitted Godzilla movie that brings together four – count ’em, four! – Japanese monsters to try and make a rip in each other’s … Read More

GODZILLA’S REVENGE

Poffy The Cucumber

The revenge is on US! Godzilla, King Of The Monsters, takes his revenge on us by acting in GODZILLA’S REVENGE and making us watch it, instead of letting us jump out a window to make the suffering end. Longtime Godzilla filmmakers, director Ishiro Honda and writer Shin’ichi Sekizawa, try to exonerate themselves from the execrable creature fights in this film … Read More

BIGFOOT 2012

Poffy The Cucumber

Big Foot In Mouth. Greg Brady and Danny Partridge face off in a battle over BIGFOOT! The horror, the unmitigated horror – of watching Danny Bonaduce (aka Danny Partridge) trying to find a facial expression besides Douche No. 3. He’s Harley Anderson, a radio talk-show host who clears 50 acres of forest to hold a rock festival. Barry Williams (aka … Read More

DENNIS MILLER: AMERICA 180°

Poffy The Cucumber

The Comedian Formerly Known As Dennis Miller. Dennis Miller is smart. I used to record THE DENNIS MILLER SHOW on VHS (that’s an olden-days DVR, chillun) and marvel at the way his mind spiraled headlong into esoteric references to rail against ignorance. In his 2014 standup special, AMERICA 180 DEGRESS (a one hour routine, filmed in Irvine), Miller is now … Read More

2016: OBAMA’S AMERICA

Poffy The Cucumber

Fooling the Fools again. Who we foolin’ here? All one needs to glean a perspective on this documentary’s Obama Derangement Syndrome (ODS) is to read the opening lines of any of its “sensible” “unbiased” “objective” reviews; all the waterheads who feel the need to proclaim, “First off I want to say that I based this documentary on the content rather … Read More

REVIEW

Poffy The Cucumber

REVIEW in need of review (of its soon-to-be lost financing, soon-to-be fired employees and cancellation policies). I wonder if Andrew Daly realizes he is as funny as a dick rash. Thankfully, his new TV series, REVIEW, is as painfully devoid of humor as he is, and will be gone long before my dick rash. Daly plays a “life reviewer” – … Read More

MITT

Poffy The Cucumber

On Planet Mitt, no one can hear you fake-laugh… Not everybody is comfortable with the idea that politics is a guilty addiction. But it is. They are addicts, and they are guilty and they do lie and cheat and steal – like all junkies. And when they get in a frenzy, they will sacrifice anything and everybody to feed their … Read More

MOONRAKER

Poffy The Cucumber

Moonraper. 007. In space! It’s not as epic, or even as amusing, as it sounds. Matter of fact, MOONRAKER, once the highest-grossing of the Bond franchise, is probably the worst James Bond movie ever. This whole enterprise reminds me of KISS. When disco was stomping the charts in the late ’70s, KISS – ever the commercialists – jumped the night … Read More

WORLD WITHOUT END

Poffy The Cucumber

World Without Clue. A rocketship carrying four men on a recon mission to Mars malfunctions on its return journey, entering a time-warp and landing on Earth 500 years in the future. WORLD WITHOUT END is one of those classic 1950s space movies that has no clue that it doesn’t have a clue: a rocket shaped like a missile, four explorers … Read More

THE BENCHWARMERS

Poffy The Cucumber

Man-ginas Assemble! Question: How retarded do you have to be to enjoy THE BENCHWARMERS? Answer: Pretty fuckin’ retarded. When Rob Schneider is the best thing in your movie, you’ve got a problem. And when Rob Schneider is actually good in your movie, you really have to wonder at how bad everything else is to make this actor’s excuse for a … Read More

SHARKNADO

Poffy The Cucumber

Shark Sandwich. The human race is not worth saving. I’m sure of that now. Not just because SHARKNADO was made in the first place – a non-budget TV movie on the SyFy Channel about sharks being swept up in a tornado and raining down on Los Angeles – but that it somehow spiked in Tweets one night and cable news … Read More

SHE FREAK

Poffy The Cucumber

A Grotesquerie – and not because of the freaks. MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 fans will regard SHE FREAK as “the one that got away.” The MST 3K boys always regretted not being able to rib some stinkers that they just could not acquire the rights to. And SHE FREAK seems a likely prospect that could have been at the top … Read More

STRANGE WILDERNESS

Poffy The Cucumber

Wild(ly retarded) Kingdom. STRANGE WILDERNESS is one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen in my life. It’s not just the worst comedy, it’s not just the worst road movie, it’s not just the worst buddy movie or redemption movie or animal movie I’ve seen; it is simply the worst MOVIE. Period. In an effort to staunch failing ratings after … Read More

JACKASS 2.5

Poffy The Cucumber

See what idiots with movie contracts are capable of – not much. Okay, at this stage, someone really needs to stop me beating the shit out of Johnny Knoxville for this lame excuse of a polished turd he calls a “movie.” Trouble is, he’d enjoy it. Knoxville (the “brains” behind JACKASS) and director Jeff Tremaine (JACKASS: THE MOVIE, JACKASS NUMBER … Read More

PARANORMAL ENTITY

Poffy The Cucumber

Paranormal En-titty. I watched PARANORMAL ENTITY at night and I was not able to sleep afterwards. I was laughing that hard. A guy walks around his badly set-dressed house with a Point of View camera for ten nights, recording evidence of the titular paranormal entity haunting him and his bland mother and big-breasted sister. Boring has a new middle name. … Read More

CHRISTMAS WITH THE KRANKS

Poffy The Cucumber

Dreaming of a Fight Christmas. CHRISTMAS WITH THE KRANKS is about selfishness, viciousness, hypocrisy and homogeneity – you know, the true spirit of Christmas. From a John Grisham novel, Skipping Christmas (which I presume is as compelling as his other books – and therefore nowhere near as asinine as this movie), KRANKS is about middle-aged upper-class couple Luther and Nora … Read More

DECK THE HALLS

Poffy The Cucumber

Ferris Bueller’s Slay Off. DECK THE HALLS is about selfishness, envy, assault, infantile bickering and malice aforethought. That’s right – it’s about Christmas. Buddy Hall (Danny DeVito), in trying to alleviate his self-esteem issues, decides to light up his house so brightly it can be seen from space. Luckily, it’s Christmas, when snideness and unbridled, irrational spending are rife in … Read More

A SOUND OF THUNDER

Poffy The Cucumber

A Sound of Chunder. A Sound of Thunder. One of the greatest short stories ever written. By one of the grandest Grand Masters of Fantasy, Ray Bradbury. A SOUND OF THUNDER. Vomitous movie. In Bradbury’s science fiction short story, a company called Time Safari offers big game hunters the opportunity to go back in time and kill dinosaurs. Rule Number … Read More

DAWN OF THE DEAD

Poffy The Cucumber

Die! And don’t come back! They call this movie a classic. They also call director George A. Romero a legend. Lots of things become famous for the wrong reasons. Carrie Prejean is famous and she’s a bubble-headed, big-titted bigot; Jon and Kate are famous and they’re the world’s most despicable parents; Rush Limbaugh is famous and he’s a bubble-headed, big-titted … Read More