MOONFALL 2022

Poffy The Cucumber

…and we thought ARMAGEDDON was devoid of science. MOONFALL is Roland Emmerich’s latest disaster– I mean, disaster movie. The Moon de-orbits toward Earth, and only a conspiracy theorist can save the day! Thanks for giving conspiracy asshats a platform, Roland! John Bradley is the conspiracy nut, KC, whose wildest theories about the Moon being a megastructure built by aliens are … Read More

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BUNNYMAN VENGEANCE

Poffy The Cucumber

Hare-Brained. Bunnyman is back. For BUNNYMAN VENGEANCE on the people who made him Bunnyman. With a backstory and arc retconned untidily into this third bunny-bonkers slasher dumb-fest. Writer-director Carl Lindbergh is trying (oh lordy! He tryin’!) to learn the art of filmmaking during the making of his artless films. It’s not just a bunny mindlessly roaming the American Midwest chainsawing … Read More

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DEEP THROAT

Poffy The Cucumber

Porno Politico. DEEP THROAT – the porn movie that brought down the president of the United States. It’s the original porno referenced by no less than The Washington Post, when nicknaming their anonymous informant Deep Throat, the source that provided key details in Nixon’s Watergate Scandal of 1972. (Only in 2005 was Deep Throat revealed to be the Associate Director … Read More

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LOST IN DINOSAUR WORLD

Poffy The Cucumber

The 65-million-year copyright infringement. LOST IN DINOSAUR WORLD – the movie from the man who sued JURASSIC PARK! Children’s author Geoffrey T. Williams published a series of four books from 1985 to 1988 under the Dinosaur World banner. When Michael Crichton published Jurassic Park in 1990, and Steven Spielberg subsequently made the 1993 movie based on that book, Williams saw … Read More

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ROB SCHNEIDER: ASIAN MOMMA, MEXICAN KIDS

Poffy The Cucumber

You Can’t Do Eet. For a guy whose catchphrase is “You can do it!” Rob Schneider has spent decades proving that he can’t. In ASIAN MOMMA, MEXICAN KIDS, Adam Sandler’s number one unfunny bottom bitch takes to the stage for his first ever Standup Special in Salt Lake City (just days before the Dumbo Donald Virus Shutdown in March 2020) … Read More

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SPACE FORCE 2020

Poffy The Cucumber

If the comedy isn’t there – Force it. There was no show, there was no idea; it was really based on nothing, except a name that made everybody laugh. — Steve Carell. Who knew that a pointless, ignorant, non-sequitur, idiotic utterance by the 45th president of the United States could be turned into a pointless, ignorant, non-sequitur, idiotic Netflix show? … Read More

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BLEED 2016

Poffy The Cucumber

Bleedin’ ‘orrible. BLEED opens with the hallmarks of a well-constructed thriller – in 1979, a young girl with a rune-like birthmark is hunted in a small American town for being able to talk to ghosts; in the present day, a pregnant woman with the same birthmark moves to that town. As a child, she and her twin brother regularly saw … Read More

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HERCULES IN NEW YORK

Poffy The Cucumber

Fish Out Of Austria. Demi-god Hercules visits New York for a lark. And it’s extremely funny. If you’re seven. Before the world discovered his Herculean physique in the muscle-doc PUMPING IRON (1977), and long before his breakout role as an “actor” in CONAN THE BARBARIAN (1982), Austrian-born bodybuilder Arnold Schwarzenegger somehow convinced American agents, managers, casting agencies and filmmakers to … Read More

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SHARKNADO 5: GLOBAL SWARMING

Poffy The Cucumber

Shit-nado. SHARKNADO rained sharks on Los Angeles; SHARKNADO 2 rained sharks on New York; SHARKNADO 3 swamped the White House reign; SHARKNADO 4 made it rain in Las Vegas… and SHARKNADO 5 shits all over the world. Literally and figuratively. SHARKNADO 5 finds shark-slayer Fin (Ian Ziering) and his cyborg wife April (Tara Reid), chasing down a sharknado that has … Read More

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REPTILICUS

Poffy The Cucumber

The Euro Puppet Holocaust. Godzilla – Denmark repreZENT! REPTILICUS, Denmark’s one and only daikaiju movie, is the Danish answer to Japan’s GODZILLA (1954). But whereas GODZILLA was a magnificent parable of man’s hubris toward nuclear abuse, REPTILICUS is about a puppet. There were only two Godzilla movies released at the time of REPTILICUS (1961) – the first was Ishiro Honda’s … Read More

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THE PROPHECY 3: THE ASCENT

Poffy The Cucumber

Turning Cities to Salt, and Movies to Shit. Christopher Walken, former angel of death, returns in THE PROPHECY 3: THE ASCENT and does nothing, except walk around with a spectacular mullet, wearing his pants a little too high. Oh, and he’s the Angel Gabriel, mystically powerful villain of two previous films. He’s the guy who could “turn cities to salt” … Read More

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HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 2

Poffy The Cucumber

Cruisin’ for a Bruise-ical. There are three words to describe the songs in HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 2: Un. Bear. Able. And the word “musical” is in the actual title. False advertising. Did someone consult Satan on which tonal modes would cause mortals to retch like chemotherapy victims? Director Kenny Ortega and writer Peter Barsocchini did indeed. Upon researching the precursor … Read More

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HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL

Poffy The Cucumber

High School Douche-ical. Disney collaborated with Satan and coaxed him to fart his pus-festering feculence onto the TV airwaves and call it HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL. It is not such a surprise to those of us who know Disney regularly consorts with the Prince of Feces, but even so, this unholy flatulence was far beyond Satan’s usual anal excretions of Disney … Read More

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GAMERA VS. JIGER

Poffy The Cucumber

When children ran the Japanese military. We can pretty much guess the quality of this Japanese debacle as soon as the opening titles are accompanied by that cringeworthy “Gamera” theme song performed by schoolkids. (All I can think of are the MST3K lyrics, “Gam-e-ra is really neat / He is filled with turtle meat / We all love you Gam-eh-raaaaa!” … Read More

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HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL

Poffy The Cucumber

Comedic Horror or Horrible Comedy? Fade in on black. A woman’s scream pierces the blackness; the type of screechy eyeball-rattling scream that is so annoying it makes you NOT want to save the woman… So opens the haunted house horror-comedy HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL, the most terrifyi— wait, is the house haunted or is it the hill? Cos if it’s … Read More

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HIT TEAM

Poffy The Cucumber

When comedy beats us over the head and tells us to like it. Inept Max (Myles McLane) and efficient Ruthie (Emerald Robinson) are a HIT TEAM from Las Vegas, driving around Los Angeles in a minivan trying to make six kills in one day for their eccentric, showtune-warbling boss Michael (Douglas Macpherson). Things go awry, and Michael puts a hit … Read More

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GAMERA VS. ZIGRA

Poffy The Cucumber

Space Fish Out Of Water. Futuristic fish-creature against prehistoric turtle-creature in a battle to the almost-makes-sense. GAMERA VS. ZIGRA is the 7th Gamera film, and effectively the last in the “Showa” series made by production company Daiei – and the exhaustion shows. (There would be one more contracted Gamera film in 1980, GAMERA: SUPER MONSTER, a stock footage compilation like … Read More

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THE SITTER 2011

Poffy The Cucumber

Somewhere over the pain flow. Jonah Hill as the Wizard of Oz! Over the course of the unfunny road comedy, THE SITTER, where Hill finds himself babysitting three of the most annoying kids in the world, he reveals to each of them their true inner desires that are causing them to improperly channel their energies into being three of the … Read More

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SHARKNADO 2: THE SECOND ONE

Poffy The Cucumber

Just when you thought it was safe to get blown… Yeah, it sucks – but it was meant to suck. — Jon Stewart, THE DAILY SHOW. SHARKNADO 2: THE SECOND ONE is one of the stupidest movies you will ever see. Yet from a moviemaking, storytelling point of view, it is actually better than its original. My God! Does this … Read More

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THE HAUNTING 1999

Poffy The Cucumber

The terror of bad direction, editing and acting. Not to be confused with THE HAUNTING OF HELL HOUSE, released in the same year, THE HAUNTING is the tiresome, overlong, yawnfest remake of the 1960 movie of the same name. The only reason it’s terrifying is that it illustrates how low the bar for horror movies has sunk. Dr. Marrow (Liam … Read More

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