JOKEL

Poffy The Cucumber

You must be J-ok’ing. Besides a really, truly, awesomely disturbing DVD cover, this Mexican production is about as scary as watching Ray Romano try to find a second facial expression. J-OK’EL is a horror movie with a difference – you want everyone to die. A guy who can’t stop looking like Tom Cruise (Tom Parker – no relation to the guy … Read More

Spread the love
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  

DEATH OF A GHOST HUNTER

Poffy The Cucumber

So bad it’s scary. Is it real or is it B-Movie? No one in chat rooms can tell. All because of a few lines of text at the head of DEATH OF A GHOST HUNTER: “In 2002 renowned ghost hunter Carter Simms was offered $5000 to perform a paranormal investigation of the Masterson house. Her investigation stands as the single … Read More

Spread the love
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  

HOT ROD

Poffy The Cucumber

Snot Rod. Here’s one you can watch with a straight face, with a script so bad, even Will Ferrell wouldn’t be in it. There are two laughs in HOT ROD. 1. The Punch-Dance. Stunt rider Rod “needs to go to his quiet place” and before anyone can say Kevin Bacon, he is footloosing a passionate, overwrought bodyswerve to the strains … Read More

Spread the love
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  

KING KONG 1976

Poffy The Cucumber

Ape-tastrophe! In any Ape Movie, the quality of the movie is entirely dependent on the Ape Effects: the original KING KONG (1933) was a revolution in stop-motion special effects; MIGHTY JOE YOUNG (1949) continued that legacy; 1968’s PLANET OF THE APES boasted state-of-the-art creature makeup coupled with attentive simian performances; GREYSTOKE (1984) pushed the limits of performance and makeup with … Read More

Spread the love
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  

GIGLI

Poffy The Cucumber

To tear or wear off the skin of; abrade; to condemn, decry, objurgate… GIGLI is an insult to gangsters, Italians, homosexuals, Al Pacino, lesbians, actors, retards, and even David Hasselhoff. First mistake: the movie’s name, and then having Gigli himself explain its pronunciation, like it was a running gag that was funny. Second mistake: Ben Affleck as Gigli, trying to … Read More

Spread the love
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  

BIG DADDY

Poffy The Cucumber

Daddy Stupidest. Raising a kid is easy! Especially if you’re a shiftless imbecile with no talent, goals, ambition or responsibility. Cue Adam Sandler. Playing Sonny Koufax in BIG DADDY as only Sandler can (somewhere between mildly retarded and idiot savant), raising an abandoned five-year-old, Julian (played by Cole Sprouse and Dylan Sprouse), Sonny’s parenting methods involve lots of newspaper and … Read More

Spread the love
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  

FLIGHT 93

Poffy The Cucumber

Flight of Fancy. Note to director Peter Markle: if you’re going to create a tribute to nobodies who become somebodies due to an airline tragedy, if you’re going to grease the wheels of racism and jingoism with agitprop, if you’re hoping to effectively manipulate and exploit the charged emotions of a nation’s populace – don’t use a toy plane for … Read More

Spread the love
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  

SURVIVING CHRISTMAS

Poffy The Cucumber

Surviving Affleck. There is one great moment in SURVIVING CHRISTMAS that almost makes it worth the pain: James Gandolfini cracks a shovel over Ben Affleck‘s stupid head. This movie serves as yet another unfortunate example of James Gandolfini proving what a great actor he is whilst simultaneously besmirching his career by acting in this film. Young, wealthy ad exec, Drew … Read More

Spread the love
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  

TREKKIES 2

Poffy The Cucumber

Where Girlfriends Fear To Tread. You need not watch TREKKIES (1997) to understand TREKKIES 2. No sense in hurting your intelligence lobe twice in the same area. Where TREKKIES examined the extreme depths American Star Trek fanatics plumb in their quest to creep out their more sane human counterparts, TREKKIES 2 does the same thing abroad. And what a broad. … Read More

Spread the love
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  

ENVY

Poffy The Cucumber

Poo-sillanimous. Nick Vanderpark’s empire is built on poo. In Barry Levinson‘s ENVY, corporate peon and shiftless dreamer, Vanderpark (an uncharacteristically reined-in Jack Black) invents a spray which vaporizes doggy-doo, appropriately named “Va-poo-rize.” His pragmatic neighbor, Tim Dingman (Ben Stiller, in characteristic nebbish idiom), who is also Vanderpark’s co-worker and best friend, is the character to whom the movie’s title pertains. … Read More

Spread the love
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  

CATWOMAN

Poffy The Cucumber

Pussy Galore. Halle Berry brings her cat scratch fever to bear upon corporate villainy and meddling-cop lovers alike in CATWOMAN, with the style of an Egyptian priestess oozing Western sadomasochismo; a puss in boots by any other name. Strictly Felis silvestris, no doggy-style for this feline. The MPAA prove beyond a doubt that they are so blunt-skulled as to be … Read More

Spread the love
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  

HIGHLANDER III: THE SORCERER

Poffy The Cucumber

There Can Be Only One… er-Three…uh- Seven? Twenty?.. I dunno, does 43 sound about right?… HIGHLANDER III: THE SORCERER should heed its own slogan: “There can be only one.” There should have been only one – one HIGHLANDER film, that is. Each sequel drives another vapid nail into the bottomless coffin that has become the HIGHLANDER franchise. HIGHLANDER was a … Read More

Spread the love
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  

THE CORE

Poffy The Cucumber

Anthropocentric Spin. I want to hurt this movie. Like it hurt me. THE CORE opens with a Peter Gallagher clone sans Eyebrows dropping dead at a board meeting – so begins a series of events that establish the Earth’s core has inexplicably stopped spinning, causing electromagnetic anomalies. So scientists must drill down and re-start the spin with The Universal Solvent … Read More

Spread the love
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  

THE PERFECT SCORE

Poffy The Cucumber

Plan Teen From Outer Space. The specter of Jerry Falwell and the misnomered Moral Majority loom large over THE PERFECT SCORE, a quarter-witted tale of half-witted “teens” who steal the answers to an SAT test, then choose not to use those answers, when they realize their motivations for stealing were simply due to bad screenwriting. It all seemed to be … Read More

Spread the love
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  

DRACULA: DEAD AND LOVING IT

Poffy The Cucumber

Frightfully Fangless. In DRACULA: DEAD AND LOVING IT, Leslie Nielsen is the vampire Count Dracula. We presume this retelling of Bram Stoker‘s tale is a comedy. We presume wrong, as writer-director Mel Brooks steers it as far from funny as Disneyland is from Transylvania. One would imagine the comic radar of the genius auteur who helmed BLAZING SADDLES, HISTORY OF … Read More

Spread the love
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  

EDDIE AND THE CRUISERS II: EDDIE LIVES!

Poffy The Cucumber

Rock And Roll IS Dead! Morose Eddie’s back! EDDIE AND THE CRUISERS II: EDDIE LIVES! finds the “legendary” (snigger) singer-songwriter of Eddie & The Cruisers, morose Eddie Wilson (Michael Pare), “in disguise” as morose Joe West, assembling another band of hokey bandguy stereotypes and thrilling us with another cache of songs which you might mistake for Macy’s muzak reel, or … Read More

Spread the love
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •