THE HERETICS

Poffy The Cucumber

Seemin’ Demon. A young girl is pursued by heretics to sacrifice to their demon, and is saved by a heretic to the heretics. I have a beef with the title, THE HERETICS. Heretics are classified as such when they go against established religious dogma; the term is especially applicable to baptized Catholics who believe anything other than the “truth” established … Read More

NIKKI GLASER: BANGIN’

Poffy The Cucumber

Doing the Schumer Shimmy. What a slut! I’m 12 minutes into Nikki Glaser’s standup Special and she is still talking about blowjobs. It stopped being funny around the 2nd minute. Nikki Glaser’s second standup Special, BANGIN’ (her first for Netflix), filmed at The Academy in Los Angeles, is 1 hour and 3 minutes of incessant chatter and zero content. I … Read More

GODZILLA VS. MOTHRA 1992

Poffy The Cucumber

Guest-Starring Godzilla… Mothra battles the evil moth Battra, while Godzilla gets in the way. GODZILLA VS. MOTHRA might be construed as a rematch (after the 1964 movie of the same name), if only Godzilla knew why he was here and what he was doing, instead of wandering around like a senile old man at a retirement community. Seriously, it would … Read More

VISIT TO A SMALL PLANET

Poffy The Cucumber

The Shrinking of Gore’s PLANET. There are parts in VISIT TO A SMALL PLANET where Jerry Lewis astounds us with his physical art, yet that is not enough to save this attempted comedy from an atrocious script that exudes astronomical ignorance, and by that I mean: ignorance in astronomy… or maybe, also…? Jerry is Kreton, from an alien race that … Read More

CAPTAIN AMERICA 1944

Poffy The Cucumber

Oh Captain, Why Captain? No super soldier serum, no World War II, no wings on his cowl, no military experience, no Steve Rogers – NO SHIELD! Is this even Captain America? In this 1944 15-part serial for Republic Pictures, the titular American superhero battles a villain called The Scarab, who dabbles in mind-control, and wants to get his hands on … Read More

THE WEEK OF

Poffy The Cucumber

Everything happening with Nothing going on. In the contrived farce THE WEEK OF, Adam Sandler is Kenny Lustig, a middle class father struggling to cope with the details and cost of hosting his daughter’s wedding, and Chris Rock is Dr. Kirby Cordice, the rich father of the groom, whose help Kenny declines. Longtime collaborators Sandler and director Robert Smigel seem … Read More

KEVIN JAMES: NEVER DON’T GIVE UP

Poffy The Cucumber

Never Don’t Just Watch. Let’s see: if a comedian still hasn’t said anything remotely funny or intriguing or insightful 32 minutes into their set, you can pretty much guarantee the rest of their 1 hour set is going to be just as shallow, unfunny and lame, right? Such is the case with the simpleton humor in KEVIN JAMES: NEVER DON’T … Read More

THE BRADY BUNCH MOVIE

Poffy The Cucumber

Brady Bunchless. It’s The Brady Bunch from the groovin’ 70s, transplanted into the grungy 90s. Plot lost. Actors shamed. Comedy dead. The Brady’s owe back taxes. They must pay $20,000 or they lose their house. It’s up to the kids to raise that money – by winning a singing competition. So let’s get this straight: the parents of the house … Read More

JACKASS 3.5

Poffy The Cucumber

Turds making turds. During the “Flaming Gauntlet” stunt in JACKASS 3.5, I realized that none of the stunts that Johnny Knoxville’s neurologically disordered brood perform are meant to succeed. The stunts have no training behind them, no practice, no Plan B; the brood enter into these stunts with their brains on standby and their balls braced for impact. In this … Read More

THE YOUNG MESSIAH

Poffy The Cucumber

The Cramming Chronicle. He’s not the Messiah. He’s a very naughty boy! — MONTY PYTHON’S THE LIFE OF BRIAN. And yea, 6,000 years ago, God did create the Earth. It took him two days, for he was a lazy god. And lo, Adam and Eve did eat of the fruit of the tree of knowledge in the Garden of Eden, … Read More

FAST & FURIOUS

Poffy The Cucumber

Too Furious To Act. FAST & FURIOUS is a dark horse in the F&F canon. This 4th film in the franchise is the least involving, as two men go after the same drug lord from different angles – one from the law, one from the street. Filled with pointless vignettes and exhilarating-yet-idiotic street racing, I lost interest as soon as … Read More

MALEFICENT

Poffy The Cucumber

Malevolent CGI and Magnificent Stupidity. MALEFICENT is the story of Sleeping Beauty. Told from the point of view of the evil fairy. And you know what? She’s not evil. First of all, I think this movie is trying to hurt our corneas. Does the CGI have to cover every single color in the visible light and ultraviolent spectrum so loudly? … Read More

FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE

Poffy The Cucumber

From Russia With Leering. James Bond 007 returns in FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE, the first sequel to the first ever James Bond movie, DR. NO. And it is… uh… I don’t know how to break it to you Bond fans, but try to sit through this movie in 2016 and let me know how many times you flinch from the … Read More

JACKASS 3D

Poffy The Cucumber

Diary of a Douchebag. Johnny Knoxville leads his troupe of professional sado-masochists through another array of idiotic stunts in JACKASS 3D, that I’m guessing is for the purpose of: a) getting themselves killed; b) satisfying their torture-porn kink; c) touching each others’ balls. “Professional” because these guys are somehow getting paid to perform these stupid, elaborate stunts, and “sado-masochists” because … Read More

THE LEGEND OF HERCULES

Poffy The Cucumber

Homer meets Chippendale’s. The movie 300 had rough dungeon sex with GLADIATOR and they had a dim-witted child called THE LEGEND OF HERCULES. Kellan Lutz (TWILIGHT saga) co-stars with his expressionless face as Hercules, the son of Zeus and a mortal woman, who would become a slave. The slave who became a gladiator. The gladiator who defied an empire—wait, uh… … Read More

NATIONAL LAMPOON’S VACATION

Poffy The Cucumber

Road trip-up. American Humor. And if that’s not an oxymoron, then surely the phrase Comedian Chevy Chase is. NATIONAL LAMPOON’S VACATION stars non-comedian Chase as Clark Griswold, a father determined to drive his family cross-country from Chicago to Los Angeles, to visit the famed Disneyland-type amusement park, Walley World. And all American Humor breaks loose, which means vain attempts at … Read More

OUIJA

Poffy The Cucumber

Ouija: the bored game. Five teens try to contact their dead friend through a ouija board. And guess what? They do. OUIJA is needless jumpscares, hot teens and a mindless horror story. Hell, boys, we got ourselves some funding! Olivia Cooke is Laine, whose best friend Debbie (Shelley Hennig) hangs herself one night in a fit of uncharacteristic blondeness. Having … Read More

AREA 51

Poffy The Cucumber

Some footage should just stay unfound… I… HATE hand-held camera movies! Makes me sick. Literally. I’m nauseous watching these idiot characters filming every single second of their narcissistic lives with Irritating Shaky Cam. A “found-footage” film, AREA 51 joins a growing list of Irritating Shaky Cam movies that RUIN – d’you hear me, filmmakers? – RUIN any story the film … Read More

THE PROPHECY

Poffy The Cucumber

Angels In The Outhouse. Angel Gabriel comes to Earth to extract a soul and destroy heaven. Like the catholic religion, THE PROPHECY is confused as hell. A spine-shivering opening sequence: camera pans down on a lone figure standing over a charred skeleton – of what appears to be a human with wings, bird-like appendages scorched into the ochre stone ground. … Read More

THE NUT JOB

Poffy The Cucumber

Nutless. A group of woodland creatures tries to infiltrate a nut shop and heist its nuts for the winter after their supply in the park is accidentally blown up. Uncute, unlovable animal characters populate THE NUT JOB, an animated feature that aims for excitement, romance and danger and never pulls off any of it as successfully as the uncute unlovable … Read More