OUIJA

Poffy The Cucumber

Ouija: the bored game. Five teens try to contact their dead friend through a ouija board. And guess what? They do. OUIJA is needless jumpscares, hot teens and a mindless horror story. Hell, boys, we got ourselves some funding! Olivia Cooke is Laine, whose best friend Debbie (Shelley Hennig) hangs herself one night in a fit of uncharacteristic blondeness. Having … Read More

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AREA 51

Poffy The Cucumber

Some footage should just stay unfound… I… HATE hand-held camera movies! Makes me sick. Literally. I’m nauseous watching these idiot characters filming every single second of their narcissistic lives with Irritating Shaky Cam. A “found-footage” film, AREA 51 joins a growing list of Irritating Shaky Cam movies that RUIN – d’you hear me, filmmakers? – RUIN any story the film … Read More

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THE PROPHECY

Poffy The Cucumber

Angels In The Outhouse. Angel Gabriel comes to Earth to extract a soul and destroy heaven. Like the catholic religion, THE PROPHECY is confused as hell. A spine-shivering opening sequence: camera pans down on a lone figure standing over a charred skeleton – of what appears to be a human with wings, bird-like appendages scorched into the ochre stone ground. … Read More

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THE NUT JOB

Poffy The Cucumber

Nutless. A group of woodland creatures tries to infiltrate a nut shop and heist its nuts for the winter after their supply in the park is accidentally blown up. Uncute, unlovable animal characters populate THE NUT JOB, an animated feature that aims for excitement, romance and danger and never pulls off any of it as successfully as the uncute unlovable … Read More

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EARTH TO ECHO

Poffy The Cucumber

What you can do with a stolen script and one shaky camera. Someone decided to blatantly rip off E.T. THE EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL and SUPER 8 – two excellent movies – and mash them together with a wobble-cam. Presto! The annoying shaky-cam experiment called EARTH TO ECHO: extraterrestrial alien trapped on Earth; hooks up with kids who help it avoid gubmint spooks … Read More

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SNL 40

Poffy The Cucumber

Celebrating 40 Years of Stunning Mediocrity. The American comedy institution SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE continues its tradition of not being funny, by throwing a 40th Anniversary Special and not being funny. SNL 40 is not only Not Funny, it’s embarrassing, pathetic and painful. Why do these people put themselves through this? Why do they put US through this? Why do audiences … Read More

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THE SWITCH

Poffy The Cucumber

Like taking a shot in the mouth and not having anywhere to spit. It’s about a woman craving a baby. And 90% of the men have left the room… Let’s try for the other 10%: It’s about Just Friends, with Her asking Him to help her find some semen. Are there any men left watching this at all? THE SWITCH … Read More

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TIN MAN 2007

Poffy The Cucumber

Choking on the Yellow Thick Chode. Honestly, I don’t know how Zooey Deschanel continues to get work. In TIN MAN, a re-visioning of L. Frank Baum’s THE WIZARD OF OZ, Zooey is ersatz Dorothy, named DG (oh, that’s soo street-cred!), lost in the magical world of O.Z. (the Outer Zone – oooh! That’s even more street!), and aided by three … Read More

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SUDDENLY 2013

Poffy The Cucumber

Suddenly Unnecessarily. SUDDENLY is the 2013 remake of the 1954 Frank Sinatra film of the same name. But while the 1954 original is a treatise on guns and war and their effects on society, this 2013 remake is a moronic action movie created specifically to give erections to Republicans. Any wonder – it’s directed by Uwe “Toilet” Boll, the groovy … Read More

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GAMERA VS. GAOS

Poffy The Cucumber

Pointy Birds. Pointy birds, so pointy pointy. Anoint my head. Anointy ‘nointy. — Steve Martin, THE MAN WITH TWO BRAINS. Godzilla had Rodan, a giant marauding bird, so Gamera went one better and hatched Gaos – not just a giant bird, a giant pointy bird – from a volcano! With a head ornament styled after a shuriken star, and laser … Read More

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YOU’RE NEXT

Poffy The Cucumber

Killing for Dummies. Assassins of a rich family find that one of their intended victims is conveniently a “survivalist” who can kick their assasses. You know how those Fosters beer commercials make Australians look really tough? Or in the Aussie vernacular: “mike Aussies look rooly as tough as”? Turns out they’re true! In the stereotypical slasher-porn flick YOU’RE NEXT, Aussie … Read More

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GAMERA

Poffy The Cucumber

Stone-Age Mutant Ninja Turtle. GOJIRA was a smash hit for Japan’s Toho Studios in 1954, so competing Daiei Studios pondered on how they could also create a property as towering and nightmarish as the fire-breathing irradiated lizard; a gigantic, destructive, plodding behemoth that would strike terror into the heart of Mankind as fearfully as Godzilla, King of the Monsters! And … Read More

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SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE

Poffy The Cucumber

SLEEPLESS will put you to sleep. Sleepless in Seattle? Must be from all that grunge music you kids are listening to. The macro, self-aware message in SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE is in the scene where characters measure the emotional impact of 1957’s AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER against the parachuting scene in THE DIRTY DOZEN where Trini Lopez breaks his neck. It’s … Read More

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CAN’T STOP THE MUSIC

Poffy The Cucumber

Please Stop The Music. The Village People Movie! At this point, did anyone take aside the manager of the Village People and say, “Uh, don’t!”? I can’t unsee this travesty. Or is CAN’T STOP THE MUSIC a biography? Formed by an overacting douchebag, named by an old woman, promoted by a slut ex-model, and none of them gay – nope, … Read More

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GODZILLA: FINAL WARS

Poffy The Cucumber

Final Bores. GODZILLA: FINAL WARS – the movie where every single Godzilla enemy turns up to try out their new rubber suit design, and where each line of dialogue makes no sense in the context of the line just before it. It’s Godzilla’s 50th anniversary, his 29th film, and the 6th and final film in the Millennium series… and aliens … Read More

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SON OF GODZILLA

Poffy The Cucumber

Baby moviemaking spawns baby monster. After taking forever to get to any kind of point, SON OF GODZILLA eventually settles into insulting our intelligence with a mindlessly boring story of a “baby Godzilla” hatching, and its mother?/father? Godzilla protecting it from predators and teaching it The Way Of The Rubber Suit. Shin’ichi Sekizawa proves his utter incompetence as a writer, … Read More

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GODZILLA: KING OF THE MONSTERS

Poffy The Cucumber

Trying to fix something that ain’t broke – and breaking it. No, it’s NOT just the same movie re-edited. I speak for all cucumber reviewers when I contend – nay, insist – that the 1956 American re-edit of GODZILLA (1954), re-titled GODZILLA: KING OF THE MONSTERS, cannot, must not and should NEVER be reviewed with the original, even as a … Read More

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GODZILLA VS. MOTHRA

Poffy The Cucumber

Godzilla’s Mothman Chronicles. The laugh-out-loud moment in GODZILLA VS. MOTHRA: Mothra uses his tiny little mothy feet to grab Godzilla’s tail and fly backwards, dragging Godzilla backwards along the ground, while Godzilla claws for purchase. The strength of this fluffy Lepidopteran! It’s another fine day in Tokyo, meaning it’s soon going to be raining daikaiju. (Thank you Toho Company!) A … Read More

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THE HAUNTING IN CONNECTICUT 2: GHOSTS OF GEORGIA

Poffy The Cucumber

“I see black people!” Five minutes into THE HAUNTING IN CONNECTICUT 2: GHOSTS OF GEORGIA, I was exhausted. Every ten seconds director Tom Elkins is blasting us with glitchy special effects. In lieu of horror. Tom thinks that the title card Based On a True Story is enough to scare the bejesus out of us. He’s right: I, for one, … Read More

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MOTHMAN

Poffy The Cucumber

Like a Moth to a Lame… In MOTHMAN, the eponymous man-moth returns to the small town of Point Pleasant to avenge a murder that has gone unpunished. And all cheap special effects break loose. A group of Point Pleasant teens accidentally kill one of their own on a camping trip. Instead of alerting the authorities to what was a prank … Read More

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