DEAR JOHN

Poffy The Cucumber

Dear John, I never want to see you again. Who knew dating was so frickin’ BORING?! DEAR JON is a weepy date movie, where army guy Brick Rockchest (Channing Tatum, champion mumbler) meets beach chick Blondie Cocktease (Amanda Seyfried) and they bore us going on talk-dates. Then they get caught in the rain and kiss. Then they have a beach … Read More

BRIDESMAIDS

Poffy The Cucumber

Marriage of heaven and hell. One blond (Kristen Wiig), one brunette (Rose Byrne) and one fatty (Melissa McCarthy). Covering all the demos, are we? BRIDESMAIDS was advertised as being a Chick Flick version of SUPERBAD. Nope. It’s just super bad. About a lonely bridesmaid (Wiig) who battles another snobbish bridesmaid (Byrne) for the affections of the ugly bride (Maya Rudolph). … Read More

SWING VOTE

Poffy The Cucumber

Blockheading the vote. Plot of SWING VOTE is stupider than a session of the United States Congress: in a presidential election, citizen Bud Johnson (Kevin Costner) misses his last voting day, so his young daughter (Madeline Carroll) fraudulently casts what she believes to be his vote, but the electronic voting booth malfunctions, and due to the two candidates being in … Read More

OUTLAND

Poffy The Cucumber

Outland-ish. It’s HIGH NOON in space. Well, sort of. Well, not exactly. Well, not at all. HIGH NOON (1952) is about the dark side of human frailty. OUTLAND is about some space outlaws too stupid not to shoot their cowboy guns in a pressure dome. Director-writer Peter Hyams: he knows the “how” to make a film, he knows the “where” … Read More

YOUR HIGHNESS

Poffy The Cucumber

Their Lowness. The trailers fooled us with witty asides and raunchy innuendo, but YOUR HIGHNESS is a fast-paced slow-brainer for people who like to hear swear words unsurrounded by actual comedy. Not only sophomoric – uninvolving and uncomfortably devoid of laughs, with sloppy, predictable writing, direction and story; Danny McBride at his unfunniest as a slacker prince; James Franco as … Read More

THE UGLY TRUTH

Poffy The Cucumber

Uglier than we can imagine. THE UGLY TRUTH seems to be telling us that strong, intelligent women are not desirable, or at least, not as alluring as eye-candy T&A who exhibit only as much brainpower as required to breathe and fuck. Why does the movie make its leading lady an ambitious, intelligent, decisive woman until she is in the proximity … Read More

JAWS 3

Poffy The Cucumber

Terrorized by puppets and stock footage. Remember Spinal Tap’s album, Shark Sandwich and its two-word review? “Shit sandwich.” The JAWS franchise reminds me of the PLANET OF THE APES franchise: a stellar opening film that should have remained un-sequeled, but upon box office denoting inevitable sequels, each successive sequel granted less and less funding and talent until the franchise, concept … Read More

TWILIGHT NEW MOON

Poffy The Cucumber

Dead – and Mumbling It. Kristen Stewart mumbles her way through another TWILIGHT movie. Synopsis of NEW MOON on the BluRay cover: “In the second chapter of Stephanie Meyer’s best-selling TWILIGHT series, the romance between mortal Bella Swan and vampire Edward Cullen gets more intense.” And by more intense, they mean he almost gets to second base. Stewart once again … Read More

LEGION

Poffy The Cucumber

Apoca-Limps. Humans against angels at a truck stop diner. Fate of the world in the hands of rednecks. As usual. LEGION follows Angel Michael (Paul Bettany) helping the rednecks fend off the heavenly host sent to wipe out the human race. God’s pissed again. Can you blame him? Y’know, I don’t see eye to eye with Him on anything (on … Read More

THE SANTA SUIT

Poffy The Cucumber

Cognitive dissonance retained for one more year… Kevin Sorbo (HERCULES) dons another mystical suit and battles evil (corporate America). In this cheap, cloying syrup-fest, Kevin stuffs his man-frame into THE SANTA SUIT, another tired exercise in demeaning profit as evil and elevating poverty-stricken people as unequivocally pure. Sigh, let’s get this over and done with… Sorbo is CEO of a … Read More

YOUTH IN REVOLT

Poffy The Cucumber

A dweeb by any other name… In YOUTH IN REVOLT, ill-defined characters populate a trailer trash landscape, with dialogue trying way too hard to be JUNO. Even Michael Cera is sick of how dweeby he is. He’s willowy Nick Twisp, who invents an alter-ego to be able to find the audacity to break his virginity with the girl of his dreams, … Read More

GROWN UPS

Poffy The Cucumber

Groan Ups. This movie should be spanked on its botty and sent to bed with no supper. Written by Adam Sandler and longtime collaborator Fred Wolf, directed by longtime Sandler director, Dennis Dugan, GROWN UPS stars Sandler, Chris Rock, Kevin James, David Spade and tiresome tool Rob Schneider. Now I ask you: with the wealth of filmmaking experience in the … Read More

SUPERMAN IV: THE QUEST FOR PEACE

Poffy The Cucumber

When super boy scouts bring peacenik fascism. How sad. The last SUPERMAN movie with the most famous Man of Steel, Christopher Reeve (1952-2004). Since arriving from Krypton in 1978, Reeve became the acknowledged Superman due to – or despite – the SUPERMAN franchise. The producers of the franchise, Alexander and Ilya Salkind, let him down like an ape from the … Read More

DEATH WISH II

Poffy The Cucumber

Wish it wasn’t. Charles Bronson returns as vigilante Paul Kersey in DEATH WISH II. And we wish he hadn’t. We got the point in DEATH WISH (1974): True justice is revenge. And people like it that way – just too pigeon-scared to admit it in “civilized” society. So now we get another film saying the same thing – only with … Read More

NINE MONTHS

Poffy The Cucumber

What a miscarriage! NINE MONTHS is about an expectant couple. To borrow a tagline from a Jeff Goldblum movie: Be afraid. Be very afraid. If the inanity doesn’t kill you, the stupidity will. NINE MONTHS opens with Samuel and Rebecca (Hugh Grant and Julianne Moore) on a beach, assessing their couplehood, Samuel deciding he is happy, Rebecca intimating she is … Read More

VIRUS

Poffy The Cucumber

Inhuman Immunodeficiency Virus. I feel like vomiting and I’m getting a headache and maybe even diarrhea. I’ve either got a virus. Or I’ve just watched the movie of the same name. But here’s the twist. VIRUS isn’t about some little animalcules that infect your blood and make your nose run. It’s about an alien entity that uses electricity for energy … Read More

SUPERMAN III

Poffy The Cucumber

The Last Gasp of the Last Son of Krypton. It’s a Richard Pryor movie starring Superman. No, it’s a Superman movie starring Richard Pryor. Whatever it is, no one’s taking SUPERMAN III seriously. Richard Pryor’s performance is the only credible meat in this debacle, which features the relatively new concept of “computers” being utilized for eeeevil, and with a subplot … Read More

DEAR GOD

Poffy The Cucumber

Dear God! Make it stop! Dear God, What foul transgression did humankind perpetrate to deserve this accursed movie? For surely it is your undying wrath that allows such offal from the buttocks of Lucifer. Dear God, Why give Greg Kinnear such an august kickstart into the A-List with SABRINA only to snatch away his momentum with DEAR GOD? Dear God, … Read More

SEX AND THE CITY

Poffy The Cucumber

High Maintenance Harridans. Four ugly women bitch and moan about men. The End. Nauseating and irrelevant to men and people with more than half a functioning brain, SEX AND THE CITY THE MOVIE is a temple to the spoiled-hideous First World upper class fem-empowered sub culture. Since its inception as a TV series in 1998 (created by Darren Star) SEX … Read More

DOLAN’S CADILLAC

Poffy The Cucumber

The mind of Stephen King is a terrible thing to waste. The director of DOLAN’S CADILLAC, Jeff Beesley, was told by his agent, “If you can’t knock this movie outta the park, you might as well forget it – go back to pumping gas.” Uh, Jeff, I got some bad news…. From a Stephen King short story of the same … Read More