BARB WIRE

Poffy The Cucumber

Livin’ Large on Marketable Melons. Her paps are centers of delight, Her breasts are orbs of heavenly frame. –Thomas Lodge, Rosalynde. If you’ve seen CASABLANCA, you don’t want to watch BARB WIRE. It will bring the pain – knowing that resting on that classic movie’s shoulders, are this movie’s breasts. Pamela Anderson-Lee, bountiful BAYWATCH überbim, stars as the titular secret … Read More

WHITE NOISE

Poffy The Cucumber

Shite Noise. Not only in peasant homes, but also in city skyscrapers, there lives alongside the twentieth century the thirteenth. A hundred million people use electricity and still believe in the magic powers of signs and exorcisms… Movie stars go to mediums. Aviators who pilot miraculous mechanisms created by man’s genius wear amulets on their sweaters. What inexhaustible reserves they … Read More

THE PEACEMAKER

Poffy The Cucumber

The Cheesemaker. Infuriatingly predictable and wholly uninvolving, THE PEACEMAKER finds George Clooney in classic head-waggling mode (as Army Intelligence Officer Devoe – hey! I bought his record, Whip It!) and Nicole Kidman in severe-skirted secretary mode (as White House Liaison, Julia Kelly), saving White America from nuke-thieving Russkies who intend to blow up Manhattan. In movies of this ilk, the … Read More

GARFIELD

Poffy The Cucumber

Flat Cat. Although Bill Murray (who voices Garfield) is truly a real-life simulacrum of the smug, under-enthused comic-strip cat, his intrinsically entertaining “character” was – dare I say it? – Lost In Translation (shout, but don’t hit) somewhere between the vapidity of the script and the orange computer blips representing the eponymous feline in GARFIELD. Garfield’s master, Jon (Blandness, thy … Read More

BATMAN AND ROBIN

Poffy The Cucumber

The Battiest of them all. Why does George Clooney waggle his head like that when he talks?… And how did he infiltrate Wayne Manor’s impenetrable security system – Alfred Pennyworth (Michael Gough) – to become the next Batman? I suppose Alfred – in seeing no less than three Batmen pass through his hallowed halls (Keaton, Kilmer, Clooney), simply puts it … Read More

APACHE

Poffy The Cucumber

Corn-y Apache. APACHE: yet another grandiose insult to the Native American people, pretending in its own racist way to be a tribute. To watch the original trailer for APACHE, one would think it is about Apache Massai (Burt Lancaster) waging war on the White Eyes against their snide peace treaties to the Native Americans. It fails to mention how White … Read More

SHALLOW HAL

Poffy The Cucumber

When Fat is Phat and Hot Is Not. Q: How much does every woman weigh? A: Too much! — Poffy The Cucumber. There’s a horrible paradox eating at the heart of the movie, SHALLOW HAL. Hal (Jack Black) only pursues hot women, unthinking of their other qualities; Tony Robbins (playing himself) bequeaths Hal with a power to “see” a woman’s … Read More

3000 MILES TO GRACELAND

Poffy The Cucumber

Another Nail In The King’s Coffin. Obvious from the outset that this Clambake would be a shameless Hollywood glam-scam, wise men say only fools rush in – and Kurt Russell, the best Elvis of all time (well, uh, besides the real one…) – gets himself into Double Trouble by donning this cape. A-uh-huh. Poster, slogan and title of 3000 MILES … Read More

WE WERE SOLDIERS

Poffy The Cucumber

We Were Soldiers, In A Plotless Movie. Like the Viet Nam war, WE WERE SOLDIERS has no plot. And like the Viet Nam war, the movie drones on incessantly with half of America saluting it and the other half protesting that it should be ended. The number of isolated incidents Hollywood can potentially mine for movies about WWII or Viet … Read More

THE LAST CASTLE

Poffy The Cucumber

Farcical Castle. THE LAST CASTLE was a good movie…until it got stupid. Then it was a stupid movie… until it got pillow-fartingly ridiculous. A military prison. Warden: Tony Soprano. New inmate: highly respected and profusely-decorated 3-star general Robert Redford. Theme: Battle Theorist (Tony, who sports a collection of battle memorabilia, weapons, literature) versus Battle Veteran (Redford, whose field credits include … Read More

PLANET OF THE APES 2001

Poffy The Cucumber

Monkey Pee, Monkey Poo. It’s Marky Mark’s PLANET OF THE APES! Viewing this Tim Burton 2001 remake of the 1968 Franklin J. Schaffner/Charlton Heston classic is much like visiting any given zoo: that ubiquitous whiff of feces on the air… 1st Scene: Chimpnaut blunders space-vehicle simulation, proving he’s not that smart from the outset. Marky Mark appears in shot without his characteristic … Read More