CAPTAIN AMERICA 1990

Poffy The Cucumber

Shield us from this movie! They tried to fix Captain America in 1990. And failed a third time. During WWII, a young man named Steve Rogers is transformed into “Code Name: Captain America” through super soldier serum. Wearing a costume that looks suspiciously like my dominatrix’s bondage-rubber piss-suit, he battles a Nazi created with the same serum called the Red … Read More

2 FAST 2 FURIOUS

Poffy The Cucumber

2 Fast 2 Bi-Curious. THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS was so successful that Universal Pictures had to have a sequel, so they did the smart thing and threw out all the characters from the first movie and only kept the prettiest girl for the sequel, Paul Walker. (Actually, all the characters were asked to return, but Vin Diesel turned down … Read More

THE FREDDIE MERCURY STORY: WHO WANTS TO LIVE FOREVER?

Poffy The Cucumber

Fantastic Gigs and Frightful Wigs. I don’t have any aspirations to live to 70. I’ve lived a full life and if I’m dead tomorrow, I don’t give a damn! I really have, y’know, done it all. — Freddie Mercury. Firstly, the title is all wrong. THE FREDDIE MERCURY STORY: WHO WANTS TO LIVE FOREVER? is not a biopic about Freddie … Read More

ROCK-A-BYE BABY

Poffy The Cucumber

When the bough breaks… Jerry Lewis tries to fulfill the roles of both Dean Martin AND Jerry Lewis in this lurid tale of deceit and obsession disguised as family farce, where an unwed Hollywood starlet secretly leaves her new triplets in the care of her childhood sweetheart in a small town, to avoid scandal. The highest hurdle for 1958’s ROCK-A-BYE … Read More

THE SAD SACK 1957

Poffy The Cucumber

Sad. THE SAD SACK is Private Meredith Bixby (Jerry Lewis), an inept dogsbody who is, for his mechanical skill, given the chance to succeed in the military by a female major, who orders another Private to surreptitiously shepherd Bixby through adversities, such as everyday life in the military. The title might imply someone moping around like a killjoy – which … Read More

MY FRIEND IRMA GOES WEST

Poffy The Cucumber

B-characters Bedazzle in B-movie. Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis once again make a B-movie watchable. But only just. In MY FRIEND IRMA GOES WEST, the gang from the first IRMA aim for Hollywood, end up in Las Vegas, and are still barely watchable. Honestly, I don’t know why Paramount Studios insisted on a sequel to the execrable MY FRIEND IRMA … Read More

THE ROBINSONS: LOST IN SPACE

Poffy The Cucumber

Lost In Dysfunction. THE ROBINSONS: LOST IN SPACE is a 2004 remake of the 1965 series LOST IN SPACE, and remains as one unaired pilot episode. Following the unsuccessful filmic remake of LOST IN SPACE in 1998 (starring William Hurt and Gary Oldman), which was criticized (incorrectly) as being too dark, this television production goes in another direction and soaps … Read More

RUDY: THE RUDY GIULIANI STORY

Poffy The Cucumber

A Scene, a Policy, and 9/11. Rudy Giuliani – there’s only three things he mentions in a sentence: a noun, a verb and 9/11.” — Joe Biden, Democratic Candidate for President, 2008. In 2008, Joe Biden would aptly describe Rudy Giuliani’s tactics for his presidential candidacy. And this 2003 film, RUDY: THE RUDY GIULIANI STORY, does exactly the same: a … Read More

HILARITY FOR CHARITY 2018

Poffy The Cucumber

Mediocrity For Charity. A charity for Alzheimer’s Disease, organized and hosted by Seth Rogen, HILARITY FOR CHARITY is about as funny as Alzheimer’s Disease. Filmed onstage before a live audience at the Hollywood Palladium on March 24, 2018, hosted by Seth Rogen sporting a Noah-beard, HILARITY is an annual cavalcade of standups, pre-taped skits and various eclectic bits, the general … Read More

GODZILLA VS. MECHAGODZILLA

Poffy The Cucumber

The Godzilla movie that doesn’t need Godzilla. In GODZILLA VS. MECHAGODZILLA, Godzilla’s name may be in the title, but he’s nothing but a bit player. The real star is King Caesar. When a mechanical-Godzilla starts destroying Japan, Godzilla gives it the ole college try to stop it, but is routed by Mechagodzilla’s lasers and sensual finger missiles. Enter the mythical … Read More

SUPERMAN AND THE MOLE-MEN

Poffy The Cucumber

Wholly Mole-y. The first feature-length DC Comics superhero film, SUPERMAN AND THE MOLE-MEN is a theatrical pilot for the ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN television series. Starring George Reeves as Superman/Clark Kent and Phyllis Coates as Lois Lane, MOLE-MEN, hampered by low budget and second-rate writing and direction, is a snoozefest, with a social message of tolerance that is no doubt lost … Read More

MY FRIEND IRMA

Poffy The Cucumber

Big things have small beginnings… “and introducing Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis” Thus it begins; with an innocuous “and introducing” credit in MY FRIEND IRMA – the comet-across-the-skies film career of the comedy team known as Martin & Lewis. Dean Martin (born 1917; 32 years old at the time) and Jerry Lewis (born 1926; a strapping 23 years old, nine … Read More

AMY SCHUMER: THE LEATHER SPECIAL

Poffy The Cucumber

When self-flagellation is anything but funny. First of all – bad decision. When you can see that bellybutton indent, it’s over. It’s Amy Schumer in a standup show called THE LEATHER SPECIAL. And she’s bedecked in tight leather from top to toe. And it’s not special. One of her first lines is, “Already regret it.” Us too, Amy. It’s one … Read More

THE BEAST OF HOLLOW MOUNTAIN

Poffy The Cucumber

Rex Mex. Cowboys and dinosaurs! In a small Mexican town, a square-jawed American cattle rancher with a suitably steel-chested name (Guy Madison as Jimmy) puts the moves on Sarita (Patricia Medina), the whitest Mexican girl in town, who happens to be betrothed to powerful Mexican cattle owner Enrique (Eduardo Noriega – not the modern Spanish dreamboat, the old Mexican actor). … Read More

THE TIME TRAVELERS

Poffy The Cucumber

Time and Time Again – Stealing from H.G. Wells. Not to be confused with the vanilla TIME CHASERS (1994, featuring that cleft-chinned Canadian anti-leading man), THE TIME TRAVELERS is one of those classic 1960’s thought experiments where scientists accidentally trap themselves in a bleak, blasted future society of 2071 – a “future” which is closer to our present, so which … Read More

BEWARE THE SLENDERMAN

Poffy The Cucumber

Beware the Stupidman. BEWARE THE SLENDERMAN is not sure whether it wants to be a documentary about two Wisconsin girls attempting murder, or a horror movie about a creature that might be real. The girls (12-year-olds Anissa Weier and Morgan Geyser) are obviously mentally unbalanced when they claim they tried to murder their 12-year-old friend in 2014 to appease an … Read More

FAST & FURIOUS 7

Poffy The Cucumber

The Stupidous Furious. The FURIOUS franchise is TWILIGHT for men. — YouTube comment. Vin Diesel underacts his way through a car-slut thug-fest that loses focus in its last act because – Paul Walker. What do you think of when someone asks you NOT to think of Paul Walker? Answer: Paul Walker. This is the case in FURIOUS 7, where it … Read More

GODS OF EGYPT

Poffy The Cucumber

Who knew Ancient Egypt had so many special effects? Plot Flaw Alert Which No One Seems To Notice: In the visual gluttony called GODS OF EGYPT, evil god Set defeats virtuous god Horus by plucking out the source of Horus’s power – his eyes. Now Horus must go on a quest to retrieve his eyes, so that he can regain … Read More

THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS: TOKYO DRIFT

Poffy The Cucumber

Driving Mister Dazey. The owners of THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS franchise drive themselves into a ditch in this third film, by overhauling their original cast in THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS: TOKYO DRIFT. The story is simple and stupid, like its lead character Sean Boswell (Lucas Black, the discount Paul Walker, with zero gravitas and even less acting prowess, … Read More

SNAKES ON A PLANE

Poffy The Cucumber

Reptile Dysfunction. A young motocross rider witnesses a mob murder in Hawaii and is scooped up by the FBI to testify in Los Angeles. On the plane journey to the mainland, the mobster releases hundreds of SNAKES ON A PLANE to wipe out the witness. If this method seems a little hit-or-miss, expensive, inefficient and downright stupid, you’re absolutely right. … Read More