DAN IN REAL LIFE

Poffy The Cucumber

Dan in Reel Life. Dan (Steve Carell) falls for a chick who, unbeknownst to him, is his brother’s girlfriend. Chick Flick heaven. DAN IN REAL LIFE opens with advice columnist Dan, single father of three girls, raising them like the movie dad he is, traveling to a family gathering. We know the movie’s premise going in, so it’s a waiting … Read More

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MR. WOODCOCK

Poffy The Cucumber

Wooden Cack. My recollection of the name “Woodcock” is from BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KID (1969) – Paul Newman, trying to convince the Union Pacific Railroad guy to open the train door so the gang won’t have to use explosives, flippantly pronouncing the name with that edge of dirtiness, “Hey, Woodcock! You can’t want to get blown up again!” … Read More

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ARMAGEDDON

Poffy The Cucumber

Arma Dyin’ Here. Imagine the worst pain and suffering ever. That’s how it’s gonna feel at the end of the world, the mythical Armageddon. Coincidentally, you can feel that exact same pain and suffering by watching Michael Bay‘s ARMAGEDDON. ARMAGEDDON is a painful exercise in squeezing every cliché possible into 150 minutes of swooping camera moves, slomo shots of blond … Read More

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THE REAPING

Poffy The Cucumber

Reaping what you sow: Superstitious Stupidity. Hilary Swank seems to have no concept of bad or good movies – either her agent or advisors or herself have no integrity or simply no discernment between choice roles and duds – wild swings from the silly THE NEXT KARATE KID (1994), to the bravura BOYS DON’T CRY (1999), to the execrable ignorance … Read More

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AVPR: ALIENS VS. PREDATOR REQUIEM

Poffy The Cucumber

Requiem for a Dweeb. Hundreds of Aliens. One Predator. No actors. The splash-slogans on the DVD packaging of ALIENS VS. PREDATOR: REQUIEM scream at us louder than the Predator’s roar: “More Blood… More Guts… More Gore!” Pretty much guarantees a maximum rating of five cucumbers out of ten – if everything else is top-notch. Everything else is not. Sucking never hurt so … Read More

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CLOVERFIELD

Poffy The Cucumber

Blair Witch meets Godzilla meets YouTube. Big secret: what is Cloverfield? They kept the secret pretty well when this movie was in theaters. Not much of a secret. It’s a monster. Okay? A big monster that does the Godzilla through Manhattan. The good thing about this banal ripoff is that it is never explained. If you’re waiting for the obligatory … Read More

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BOEING BOEING

Poffy The Cucumber

Laughing all the way to the skank. A sex-comedy with no sex and very little comedy. Tony Curtis is an American philandering bachelor living in France, who keeps three airline stewardesses on a string, each thinking they are his fiancé. With their worldwide flying schedules, they are never in town at the same time, so through the simple practice of … Read More

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TWISTER

Poffy The Cucumber

TWISTER blows. I have spent my life laboriously doing nothing. — Hugo Grotius (on his deathbed 1645) Mysteriously-funded and irrationally-driven “storm-chasers” gad about the American midwest in TWISTER, trying to throw an aluminum thingy filled with little aluminum thingies into a tornado. They say it’s to research these natural disasters. Cue joke about this movie being natural disaster. Leading the … Read More

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CON AIR

Poffy The Cucumber

Just Another Con. Nice mullet, Nic! His pooch hairdo effectively takes attention away from his massively-developed arms and Kirk-body-oiled man-chest. A prisoner plane, the CON AIR of the title, transporting the biggest bunch of cliched criminals this side of Blockbuster Screenwriting 101, is overrun by said archetypes, led by an exceptionally-maladjusted Malkovich. Elvis comes to the rescue in the form … Read More

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CROCODILE HUNTER: COLLISION COURSE

Poffy The Cucumber

Madman Across the Water. Some people say Steve Irwin’s larrikin antics and gregarious personality are only an act. Watch this film: it’s obvious he can’t act. Steve Irwin, dangerman star of the small screen in his CROCODILE HUNTER DIARIES, CROC FILES and eponymous CROCODILE HUNTER series (you see a naming trend here?), rockets his larger-than-strife persona to the big screen … Read More

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PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: AT WORLD’S END

Poffy The Cucumber

Jack-ing the Sparrow. PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: AT WORLD’S END: a whole lotta something that ends up a whole lotta nothing. Director Gore Verbinski puts so much effort into this summer blockbuster that it boggles the rational part of the brain – look at that cinematography, look at that set dressing, look at that costuming and attention to detail on … Read More

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THE PURSUIT OF HAPPYNESS

Poffy The Cucumber

Dispiritying, Disheartenying, Distressying. THE PURSUIT OF HAPPYNESS needs to take a Prozac. Relentlessly depressing, director Gabriele Muccino’s first English feature film is Inspired by a True Story – which only inspires nausea with their ubiquity these days – and though its intent is to be a “feel-good” movie, it goes awry in its execution, paying such sadistic detail to every … Read More

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MISSION TO MARS

Poffy The Cucumber

Mission To Farce. MISSION TO MARS stands every bit as tall as CAPRICORN ONE in the Ignorant Space Movie category, exhibiting so many misdemeanors, misrepresentations, misapplied physics laws, mistaken facts, missteps, mysterious logic, and misapprehension of spacefaring dialect that one wonders which second-grader took three months off school to helm it. Brian de Palma – the dark force behind 1983’s … Read More

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THE INTERPRETER

Poffy The Cucumber

Lost In Translation. If you care about whether burnt-out political insurrectionists from fictitious African countries are assassinated or not, this slow-moving thriller is for you. Otherwise, you will watch THE INTERPRETER with one question dogging your suspension of disbelief: “How does a startlingly luminous beauty like Silvia Broome (Nicole Kidman) avoid being flirted with by every single male she comes … Read More

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JACKASS: THE MOVIE

Poffy The Cucumber

Jockstraps and Beer. If human civilization is to retain any semblance of forward momentum, never let our children see JACKASS: THE MOVIE. Matter of fact, once you’ve seen it yourself, burn your copy and wash your genitals. With a bravado that most of us relinquish at age twelve, Johnny Knoxville and his near-equals in brain-deficiency offer innumerable hideously-filmed vignettes of … Read More

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JOE VERSUS THE VOLCANO

Poffy The Cucumber

Sacrificial Ham. During JOE VERSUS THE VOLCANO, Tom Hanks’s head took out a restraining order on his hairstyle. His head won the case, which is why halfway through the film, Hanks sports a halfway decent ‘do – the old hairstyle finding a home on Whitney Houston’s head, of which Houston is still unaware. Diagnosed with a “brain cloud” which leaves … Read More

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THE TERMINAL

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In-Terminal-ble. CAST AWAY meets Perestroika in THE TERMINAL, a movie which cannot decide whether it wants to be a drama, a romantic comedy, or just a silly waste of time. Viktor Navorski (Tom Hanks, sporting a darn good “Russian” inflection) alights at JFK Airport just as his (fictional) country of Krakozhia slides into a military coup. As a result, all … Read More

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AVP: ALIEN VS. PREDATOR

Poffy The Cucumber

AVP: Audience Versus Padding. The question is not whether an “Alien” can overcome a “Predator” (ignorant semantics, as the two non-human species in this film are both “aliens” and “predators”); the real battle is pitting the movie’s Audience against its interminable Padding scenes. Can – we – survive? With my leg bloodied from the onslaught and a gaping wound in … Read More

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DRAGON: THE BRUCE LEE STORY

Poffy The Cucumber

Jeet Kune Don’t. Bruce Lee was an artisan, an innovator, an indomitable warrior, a genius. Inspiring many to create tributes to him. It unfortunately does not follow that those inspired to create these tributes are creative enough or qualified enough to do those tributes justice. Such is the case with DRAGON: THE BRUCE LEE STORY. Not really a story about … Read More

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THE SUM OF ALL FEARS

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The Dumb of All Fears. Not since Marky Mark replaced Charlton Heston in Tim Burton’s remarkable film about ape-poo, has there been such an inadequate, impotent re-imagining of a well-known filmic character. In THE SUM OF ALL FEARS, Jack Ryan, CIA gadfly, has morphed from Alec Baldwin’s Runway-Model Ryan (equivalent to Roger Moore’s Bond), to Harrison Ford’s Real Man Ryan … Read More

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