THE MEG

Poffy The Cucumber

MMA (Mixed Martial Arts) vs. MMA (Massive Marine Animal). Marine biologists unwittingly unleash a prehistoric Megalodon shark from under the Mariana Trench, and only one thing can stop it – Mixed Martial Arts. Well, not really – this movie is not the finesse of opening a bottle-cap with a spinning side-kick, it’s much more big and blunt. In the stupid … Read More

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THE NEXT KARATE KID

Poffy The Cucumber

A Karate Kid for Girls. Oh, but definitely for Mens. Miyagi helps a troubled teen by teaching her karate – she’s got two humungous assets that Daniel-san could never have: a pet hawk, and acting talent. Oh, and for all you Men of Culture – she’s got those too. Mr. Miyagi (Noriyuki “Pat” Morita) travels to Boston for the funeral … Read More

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THE KARATE KID PART III

Poffy The Cucumber

A Spock Chop to the Stupid Nerve. THE KARATE KID PART III finds Daniel LaRusso conned into competing in a karate tournament, with a savage opponent who is no match for Daniel’s stunning mediocrity. Daniel-san (Ralph Macchio) and Mr. Miyagi (Pat Morita) return to LA from Japan, and proceed with their boring life in Reseda, Miyagi convincing Daniel not to … Read More

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THE KARATE KID PART II

Poffy The Cucumber

When Acting Happen, No Be There… The doofus and his master travel to Japan, where they will encounter another karate master who wants them dead, another karate student who wants to maim Doofus, and another girl who falls for the willowy Doofus even through his atrocious acting, in the continuing adventures of THE KARATE KID PART II. Back in the … Read More

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PULGASARI

Poffy The Cucumber

GODZILLA meets BRAVEHEART in a battle to the Kim Jong-il. Downtrodden villagers in feudal Korea are aided by a giant magical beast called PULGASARI that feeds on iron, and, through its appetite for swords and spears and cannon, helps them overthrow the tyrant king. However, Pulgasari continues to consume iron, eating the villagers out of their farms and livelihoods, in … Read More

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LOST IN SPACE – SEASON 1-06: WELCOME STRANGER

Poffy The Cucumber

The Garbled Gaslighting of Irwin Allen. What the Robinsons thought was a missile heading toward them in the previous episode cliffhanger, turns out to be a spacecraft. It lands, and a regular human man exits. He’s sporting a cowboy hat and a Southern accent. And all the promise that LOST IN SPACE showed in this first Season, as a serious … Read More

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LOST IN SPACE – SEASON 1-05: THE HUNGRY SEA

Poffy The Cucumber

The Plotline That Needn’t Be. I don’t think the writers know how spaceships work: that they insulate the people inside from extremes of cold and heat. Writers Shimon Wincelberg and William Welch want to get the Space Family Robinson into a situation not unlike the Swiss Family Robinson: out on the open sea in a raging tempest… So begins the … Read More

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SPIDER-MAN: FAR FROM HOME

Poffy The Cucumber

Not Tingling. After Tony Stark’s death (in AVENGERS: ENDGAME – c’mon, where you been?), Nick Fury (Samuel L. Jackson) bequeaths Peter Parker/Spider-Man (Tom Holland) the command of all Stark’s tech, via a pair of magic sunglasses. Five minutes later, Parker relinquishes his superhero status to chase after panty (the SUPERMAN II syndrome), and hands over the glasses to interdimensional stranger … Read More

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CASINO ROYALE 1954

Poffy The Cucumber

Baby Bond. When James Bond was American. When the most outlandish gadget was a walking-cane with a gun in it. But when the villains still talked instead of shooting. It’s the first ever James Bond adapted to film from Ian Fleming’s 1953 book, Casino Royale; a black and white TV presentation from CBS, under a series called CLIMAX! Aired in … Read More

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GODZILLA VS. KONG

Poffy The Cucumber

Spectacular Effects vs. Brainless Script. If you came for the monster fights, you died and went to daikaiju heaven; but if you came for anything else – characterization, story, dramatic arcs – and you left disappointed, well I know how old you are – over 12. Sometimes I WISH I could disconnect my brain and enjoy polished turds like GODZILLA … Read More

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6 UNDERGROUND

Poffy The Cucumber

Deadpool Times Six. Ryan Reynolds leads six black-ops vigilantes in removing a dictator and installing his democratic brother in the fictional country of Turgistan (resembling Armenia or Persia, one of those places where the food is great but the religion sucks balls). Not exactly a democratic process though, is it? Oh, that’s right – it’s American democracy. He’s not empowered … Read More

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JERRY SEINFELD: 23 HOURS TO KILL

Poffy The Cucumber

A made-up, bogus, not-necessary special event. In an effort to sound less vanilla, Jerry Seinfeld tries to “Carlin up” his 2020 Standup Special – and winds up just another shade of vanilla. To comedy aficionados, the words Seinfeld and Carlin should not be uttered in the same breath (and I too am paying the penance for my utterance, by spending … Read More

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GODZILLA 1998

Poffy The Cucumber

Milli Godzilli. Godzilla takes a bite out of The Big Apple. And Ferris Bueller is there to stop him. After Japan’s Toho Company killed off its greatest property in 1995’s GODZILLA VS. DESTOROYAH, TriStar Pictures sought to fill the vacuum with its own American Godzilla that would blow the Japanese version out of the water, by utilizing state-of-the-art CGI visual … Read More

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RETURN OF THE SEVEN

Poffy The Cucumber

Magnificent Yul and the Six Dexters. You know how when you make a copy of a copy, it’s not as sharp as… well… the original. — Michael Keaton as Doug #3, MULTIPLICITY THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN was such a worldwide hit, a sequel had to come. But… uh… almost everyone died in the first one. How could there possibly be a … Read More

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SOUL TO KEEP

Poffy The Cucumber

Possessed by Mediocrity. After inheriting a rambling old country house from their grandpa, Josh (Tony Spitz) and sister Erin (Aurora Heimbach) invite a gaggle of their Millennial friends over for a par-tayyy. Grandpa “died in the lake; his body was never found…” And if you think that will yield further plot, you haven’t seen one of these barely-written modern kid-possession … Read More

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THE BYE BYE MAN

Poffy The Cucumber

Horror? Buh-bye. Don’t say it. Don’t think it. Say what? THE BYE BYE MAN. D’oh! The more you think about him, the closer he gets. You see things that aren’t there. You don’t see things that are there. He makes you kill people. Or kill yourself. Or something else might kill you. So, basically, just whatever then… “And you die … Read More

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ANGEL AND THE BADMAN

Poffy The Cucumber

Virgin and the Whipped Man. ANGEL AND THE BADMAN is a John Wayne western made for another era. The world’s cultural shifts since 1947 render this movie not only dated but naïve past the point of Puritan. Its message of violence begetting violence is, of course, eternal, though its solution of peace begetting peace is undermined by the plot itself … Read More

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ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN MARVEL

Poffy The Cucumber

The screen’s first super man. Uttering the mystical word, “SHAZAM!” young Billy Batson becomes the mighty Captain Marvel, using super powers to aid his archaeological expedition in fending off a villain called The Scorpion. It’s the world’s first superhero movie, with the world’s first comicbook superhero – Captain Marve—hang on a sec!—Isn’t Superman the world’s first comicbook superhero?! Yes, but … Read More

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THE DIRT 2019

Poffy The Cucumber

THE DIRT – is a load of CRAP! Maybe a quarter of it happened, and not like this… — Logan, LOGAN. THE DIRT opens with a title card: “This story is true.” Fuck off. In this paean to rock band Mötley Crüe (remember when umlauts made everything evil?), every detail, every anecdote, every song and character and drug-fueled escapade is … Read More

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DEMONIC

Poffy The Cucumber

Next Stop: Unoriginality Central. Six Millennial friends try to contact unseen entities supposedly haunting an old house where murders were committed. Where have we heard this before? Oh, everywhere… There are a couple of interesting tidbits thrown into this mix of horror and detective thriller, but for the most part, DEMONIC has a devil of a time coming up with … Read More

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