THE ADAM PROJECT

Poffy The Cucumber

For the Love of Adam. Never have I cried so much at a time travel film, especially one loaded with this many Hollywood tropes. THE ADAM PROJECT is pretty straightforward in its first two acts, about a pilot from the future who lands in 2022 and enlists the aid of his 12-year-old self to time-travel further back in time to … Read More

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MEMO FROM PURGATORY | THE ALFRED HITCHCOCK HOUR | S3 E10

Poffy The Cucumber

Insipid take on an Ellison classic. MEMO FROM PURGATORY is a slice-of-life tale (from the 1961 Harlan Ellison novel Memos From Purgatory) about running with a savage Brooklyn street gang. Memos was written after Ellison actually infiltrated a gang called The Barons when he was 19 – for the research! – adopting the alias Phil Beldone, surviving their initiation, taking … Read More

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THE MANY SAINTS OF NEWARK

Poffy The Cucumber

Tainted Saints and Sainted Taints. I really wanted to like THE MANY SAINTS OF NEWARK. Hey, it’s a prequel to THE SOPRANOS, the best television show in the history of television. But it’s not quite a prequel and not quite THE SOPRANOS… … Not quite a prequel because the character that was the blood and bone of THE SOPRANOS – … Read More

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REPLICAS

Poffy The Cucumber

Movie clone of a clone movie. So it’s not cool enough to call them “clones” anymore? Now we call them REPLICAS. Keanu Reeves fulfils the role of mad scientist in this modern FRANKENSTEIN meets PET SEMATARY tale, where he tragically reconstructs his dead family after a fatal accident. We meet bio-engineer William Foster (Reeves), as he and his team try … Read More

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KISS 2020 GOODBYE

Poffy The Cucumber

KISS vs. Muhammed in a Battle to the Bitch. Even though KISS 2020 GOODBYE is one of the biggest single rock shows on planet Earth, there’s something much bigger at stake here: the future of live music. Overcoming the diabolical logistics of the covid pandemic to put on this mastodon show didn’t just prove how meticulous KISS and their crew … Read More

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THE MIDNIGHT SKY

Poffy The Cucumber

Tragedy Insufferably Painted as Redemption. THE MIDNIGHT SKY is indecisive on whether to be a human drama set in space, or a science fiction film loaded with human drama. It ends up sacrificing both genres to George Clooney’s beard. A worldwide catastrophe has made the Earth’s surface uninhabitable – something to do with republiKKKans blocking climate change legislation, I’m guessing … Read More

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THE OLD GUARD

Poffy The Cucumber

Immortals: can’t live with ‘em, can’t kill ‘em. No – literally. They’ve been on Earth for millennia, four unkillable, battle-hardened mercenaries, led by Charlize Theron, in jeans so tight I can see the outline of her cock. Theron is Andromache of Scythia (“Andy”), the oldest of the four warriors, her name of Greek goddess origin; there’s Booker (Matthias Schoenaerts), a … Read More

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CIRCLE 2015

Poffy The Cucumber

Not for squares. 50 disparate people stand in a staggered circle facing each other, on some kind of technological dais, where the floor is touch-sensitive to their presence, so they cannot move off their individual space or touch each other on pain of electrocution. Black background, like some episode of LOST IN SPACE or THE TIME TUNNEL. Every two minutes, … Read More

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DIE ANOTHER DAY

Poffy The Cucumber

Diamonds are endeavor. A megalomaniac designs a satellite to harness the sun’s power. And James Bond is there to rain on his parade. Cold Open Pretty Orange Explosion Zone: James Bond 007 (Pierce Brosnan, in his 4th and final turn as the superspy) surfs some rad waves into North Korea (reflecting the tenor of the times, no more Russians), infiltrating … Read More

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THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH

Poffy The Cucumber

Rich people wanting richer. Another villain with a bomb. Another hero who must defuse it. That’s what the twisty confusing plot boils down to in the James Bond actioner THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH. The cold open features a rather tame, though humorous, escape for a Bond movie, as Bond easily rappels down an office building (tied around a man’s … Read More

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ALICE COOPER | Easy Action

Poffy The Cucumber

From Earwigs to Spiders… t’s a line from WEST SIDE STORY, when one of the characters turns to another called Action, and warns him to cool it – “Easy, Action!” Those lines, and others from WEST SIDE STORY appear in Still No Air, the third song on the Alice Cooper album, Easy Action. Released nine months after their debut (Pretties … Read More

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BATMAN: THE KILLING JOKE

Poffy The Cucumber

The joke’s on us. The Joker (voiced by Mark Hamill) intends to prove once and for all that even the most stable person is merely “one bad day” away from madness, so kidnaps Commissioner Gordon whilst maiming his daughter Barbara in front of him, and runs the Commissioner through a gamut of torture designed to tip him into lunacy, thus … Read More

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ALICE COOPER | Pretties For You

Poffy The Cucumber

Art Before Cock. t wasn’t exactly crap. Yet Alice Cooper’s debut album, Pretties For You, was not exactly the theatrical cock-rock the group would become renowned for. Having ingested over a decade of Alice Cooper’s mainstream output (starting with Love It To Death – what I thought was their debut album), suddenly being exposed to the band’s rare, little-known first … Read More

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DOLEMITE IS MY NAME

Poffy The Cucumber

Black Wiseau. DOLEMITE IS MY NAME is a comeback film for Eddie Murphy? That’s a well-deserved question mark! As its filmmakers whine about being snubbed at the 2020 Oscars, they neglect to mention they’ve made a formulaic film about a conman with questionable product that deserves attention only as a novelty. As a historical figure, the flamboyant Rudy Ray Moore … Read More

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THE RED SEA DIVING RESORT

Poffy The Cucumber

Diving into a fiction of a fiction. In 1979, Captain America takes time out from saving Americans, to save Ethiopian Jewish refugees in Sudan, under the cover of THE RED SEA DIVING RESORT, a fake resort run by him and his superhero pals, to throw the Sudanese government off their taut-buttocked scent. Chris Evans is Ari Levinson, heading a team … Read More

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DEATH NOTE 2017

Poffy The Cucumber

Justice, Tween Dream Style. Can a demon really be scary if it has a name and speaks English? And sounds like Willem Dafoe? I mean, really, if a demon terrorized me with that voice that sounds like he’s biting a teacup in half, first thing I’d do is laugh. Then – maybe terrorized. I’ve always said, entities that you cannot … Read More

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YESTERDAY 2019

Poffy The Cucumber

Scrambled Eggs. Imagine there’s no rom-coms… When a struggling musician wakes up in a world where The Beatles no longer exist – and he is the only one that remembers them – he cashes in by “writing” their songs and rising to superstardom. YESTERDAY takes many interesting turns, and one gigantic stupid one. Jack (Himesh Patel) is an instantly-likeable loser; … Read More

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AZIZ ANSARI: RIGHT NOW

Poffy The Cucumber

Fuck that bitch! Aziz Ansari, in his first standup Special since he was falsely accused of sexual assault on a date gone awry, should have opened his show with, “Fuck that bitch!” Because his comedy has been ruined by the accusation of that anonymous cunt! A year after the furor, he’s back on stage in AZIZ ANSARI: RIGHT NOW, but … Read More

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13 CAMERAS

Poffy The Cucumber

He sees you when you’re sleeping; he knows when you’re awake… His carriage tilts forward when he waddles like a human-hippo hybrid, his breathing labored, his face the pallor of a fetid corpse, his loose-lipped maw hanging open in licentious drool, his stench overwhelming; he looks like the missing link between Neanderthals and Cro-Magnon Man. And he’s watching you. But … Read More

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EMELIE

Poffy The Cucumber

Babysitter bitter. The babysitter showing the kids a VHS sex tape of their parents is not the true crime here – it’s that the parents are still using VHS tapes in 2016! Babysitter thrillers are kinda like romantic comedies, in that there is only one objective; with romcoms, it’s pairing the two leads; with babysitter thrillers, it’s killing the kids. … Read More

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