CIRCLE 2015

Poffy The Cucumber

Not for squares. 50 disparate people stand in a staggered circle facing each other, on some kind of technological dais, where the floor is touch-sensitive to their presence, so they cannot move off their individual space or touch each other on pain of electrocution. Black background, like some episode of LOST IN SPACE or THE TIME TUNNEL. Every two minutes, … Read More

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DIE ANOTHER DAY

Poffy The Cucumber

Diamonds are endeavor. A megalomaniac designs a satellite to harness the sun’s power. And James Bond is there to rain on his parade. Cold Open Pretty Orange Explosion Zone: James Bond 007 (Pierce Brosnan, in his 4th and final turn as the superspy) surfs some rad waves into North Korea (reflecting the tenor of the times, no more Russians), infiltrating … Read More

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THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH

Poffy The Cucumber

Rich people wanting richer. Another villain with a bomb. Another hero who must defuse it. That’s what the twisty confusing plot boils down to in the James Bond actioner THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH. The cold open features a rather tame, though humorous, escape for a Bond movie, as Bond easily rappels down an office building (tied around a man’s … Read More

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ALICE COOPER | Easy Action

Poffy The Cucumber

From Earwigs to Spiders… t’s a line from WEST SIDE STORY, when one of the characters turns to another called Action, and warns him to cool it – “Easy, Action!” Those lines, and others from WEST SIDE STORY appear in Still No Air, the third song on the Alice Cooper album, Easy Action. Released nine months after their debut (Pretties … Read More

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BATMAN: THE KILLING JOKE

Poffy The Cucumber

The joke’s on us. The Joker (voiced by Mark Hamill) intends to prove once and for all that even the most stable person is merely “one bad day” away from madness, so kidnaps Commissioner Gordon whilst maiming his daughter Barbara in front of him, and runs the Commissioner through a gamut of torture designed to tip him into lunacy, thus … Read More

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ALICE COOPER | Pretties For You

Poffy The Cucumber

Art Before Cock. t wasn’t exactly crap. Yet Alice Cooper’s debut album, Pretties For You, was not exactly the theatrical cock-rock the group would become renowned for. Having ingested over a decade of Alice Cooper’s mainstream output (starting with Love It To Death – what I thought was their debut album), suddenly being exposed to the band’s rare, little-known first … Read More

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DOLEMITE IS MY NAME

Poffy The Cucumber

Black Wiseau. DOLEMITE IS MY NAME is a comeback film for Eddie Murphy? That’s a well-deserved question mark! As its filmmakers whine about being snubbed at the 2020 Oscars, they neglect to mention they’ve made a formulaic film about a conman with questionable product that deserves attention only as a novelty. As a historical figure, the flamboyant Rudy Ray Moore … Read More

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THE RED SEA DIVING RESORT

Poffy The Cucumber

Diving into a fiction of a fiction. In 1979, Captain America takes time out from saving Americans, to save Ethiopian Jewish refugees in Sudan, under the cover of THE RED SEA DIVING RESORT, a fake resort run by him and his superhero pals, to throw the Sudanese government off their taut-buttocked scent. Chris Evans is Ari Levinson, heading a team … Read More

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DEATH NOTE 2017

Poffy The Cucumber

Justice, Tween Dream Style. Can a demon really be scary if it has a name and speaks English? And sounds like Willem Dafoe? I mean, really, if a demon terrorized me with that voice that sounds like he’s biting a teacup in half, first thing I’d do is laugh. Then – maybe terrorized. I’ve always said, entities that you cannot … Read More

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YESTERDAY 2019

Poffy The Cucumber

Scrambled Eggs. Imagine there’s no rom-coms… When a struggling musician wakes up in a world where The Beatles no longer exist – and he is the only one that remembers them – he cashes in by “writing” their songs and rising to superstardom. YESTERDAY takes many interesting turns, and one gigantic stupid one. Jack (Himesh Patel) is an instantly-likeable loser; … Read More

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AZIZ ANSARI: RIGHT NOW

Poffy The Cucumber

Fuck that bitch! Aziz Ansari, in his first standup Special since he was falsely accused of sexual assault on a date gone awry, should have opened his show with, “Fuck that bitch!” Because his comedy has been ruined by the accusation of that anonymous cunt! A year after the furor, he’s back on stage in AZIZ ANSARI: RIGHT NOW, but … Read More

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13 CAMERAS

Poffy The Cucumber

He sees you when you’re sleeping; he knows when you’re awake… His carriage tilts forward when he waddles like a human-hippo hybrid, his breathing labored, his face the pallor of a fetid corpse, his loose-lipped maw hanging open in licentious drool, his stench overwhelming; he looks like the missing link between Neanderthals and Cro-Magnon Man. And he’s watching you. But … Read More

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EMELIE

Poffy The Cucumber

Babysitter bitter. The babysitter showing the kids a VHS sex tape of their parents is not the true crime here – it’s that the parents are still using VHS tapes in 2016! Babysitter thrillers are kinda like romantic comedies, in that there is only one objective; with romcoms, it’s pairing the two leads; with babysitter thrillers, it’s killing the kids. … Read More

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GODZILLA VS. MEGAGUIRUS

Poffy The Cucumber

Where science and stupidity collide. Japan is sick of Godzilla. They want him dead once and for all, creating a black hole to shoot at him. From space. Yes, the new Millennium Godzilla looks great, but the idiocy is still the same. In a cold open, we see supposed news footage from 1954, showing Godzilla raiding Tokyo over narration about … Read More

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EXTREMELY WICKED, SHOCKINGLY EVIL AND VILE

Poffy The Cucumber

Extremely Ripped, Shockingly Misguided and Pointless. EXTREMELY WICKED, SHOCKINGLY EVIL AND VILE follows a short period in serial murderer Ted Bundy’s life, as told exclusively from his naïve girlfriend’s point of view. Meaning it tells us nothing. And the movie follows that old gambit of casting a lovable star in the role of a heinous human being (a la Brolin … Read More

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ROMA

Poffy The Cucumber

Interesting Boredom. ROMA will bore you to death. Unless you pretend to like it because film critics say you should. ROMA is excellent filmmaking, controlled and economical, with creative direction, powerful performances and a tragic story. And it won the 2019 Oscar for Best Foreign Language Film. Yet it’s like watching Mexican paint dry. The story is quite simple: In … Read More

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MALEVOLENT 2018

Poffy The Cucumber

The ghosts ain’t the things to be afraid of… MALEVOLENT has one heart-wrenching scene that puts it above most other ghost-hunter thrillers: a young woman who can see ghosts of the dead has just escaped from a torture chamber, where she was locked with her brother. As they escape, they are separated. As she stumbles down the road, away from … Read More

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BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY

Poffy The Cucumber

The Good, The Bad and the Freddie. Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? — Queen, “Bohemian Rhapsody.” We may well apply the first lines of Queen’s magnum opus Bohemian Rhapsody to the movie encomium of the same name. There is some biography in BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY (“the real life”), yet much dramatic license (“just fantasy”), with particular focus … Read More

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THE DELICATE DELINQUENT

Poffy The Cucumber

The Kid Flies Solo! In his first movie without Dean Martin, THE DELICATE DELINQUENT, Jerry Lewis is a youth mistaken for a gang member, taken under the wing of a mentor cop… Time for the public to find out whether The Kid was all he was cracked up to be, or merely one half of a defunct team that needed … Read More

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EXTINCTION 2018

Poffy The Cucumber

When A-Actors B-Film. A working class family man is plagued by dreams of alien invasion. One day, his dreams come true. And the question becomes: Can he access those prescient dreams to navigate his family to safety? Then we find out his question was answered – in his past! Movie Maniacs say Wha–? Set in the near future, EXTINCTION is … Read More

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