SPLIT 2017

Poffy The Cucumber

Multiple McAvoy, Numinous Night. Professor X has been hearing those voices in his head again… If you like James McAvoy, then you’ll love SPLIT. It stars James McAvoy. And James McAvoy. And James McAvoy. And James McAvoy. And James McAvoy. And James McAvoy. And James McAvoy. Writer-director M. Night Shyamalan returns to form as master filmmaker with his deviously intriguing … Read More

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ROGUE ONE: A STAR WARS STORY

Poffy The Cucumber

Star Wars 3.5: Martyrs’ Crossing. It’s always the rogue that excites us… ROGUE ONE: A STARS WARS STORY is the bad boy of the STAR WARS universe. He turns up in his black charger with the heavy metal blaring and he makes our panties moist. Easily boasting the best production values of all the eight STAR WARS films to date, … Read More

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ROCKY

Poffy The Cucumber

The Underdog that became a Stallion. That epic fanfare, a giant name floats across screen – ROCKY. Movie opens in elation, as we fly with Bill Conti’s soon-to-be-immortal theme, Gonna Fly Now, and then suddenly comes crashing to Earth– — a small-time boxing match, a pudgy, young and decidedly graceless boxer belts it out with a bigger truck of a … Read More

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DEADPOOL

Poffy The Cucumber

Grabbing Them By The Pussy. DEADPOOL is an electrodes-to-the-testicles, projectile-vomiting king slut of a film. And like every good slut, it’s got a filthy mouth, it’s bedecked in dungeon leather, and it takes it up the ass with a strap-on dildo. It is such a satisfying superhero movie because it has done what all mainstream superhero movies should have done … Read More

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THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN 2016

Poffy The Cucumber

The Magnificent Minorities. Denzel Washington leads his black, brown, red and yellow gunslingers in cleaning up the Old West. Kinda like how black, brown, red and yellow people are still cleaning up the Modern Alt-West. In THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN, director Antoine Fuqua, praying at the altar of Kurosawa, Leone and Eastwood, crafts a majestic modern take on this paean to … Read More

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SULLY

Poffy The Cucumber

Glide to Glory. No one warned us. No one said you are going to lose both engines at a lower altitude than any jet in history… This was dual engine loss at twenty-eight-hundred feet, followed by immediate water landing with 155 souls onboard. No one has ever trained for an incident like that. No one. — Captain Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger. … Read More

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FRUITVALE STATION

Poffy The Cucumber

An Underprivileged Life Against Cowards With Guns. Unarmed black man shot fatally in the back by cop. It’s not just a movie. It’s reality. Over and over again. This injustice has become so common in United States culture that there is an undeclared war between African-American men (who continue to be black) and cops (who continue to be cowards). FRUITVALE … Read More

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EVEREST 2015

Poffy The Cucumber

Tragedy at the top of the world. Climbing Mount Everest was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made in my life. I wish I’d never gone. I suffered for years of PTSD, and still suffer from what happened. I’m glad I wrote a book about it. But, you know, if I could go back and relive my life, I would never … Read More

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KICK-ASS 2

Poffy The Cucumber

Kicks it up a Cerebral Notch. No matter that KICK-ASS 2 loses the precocious and comedic tone of its predecessor (KICK-ASS, 2010), it remains a scathing exposé on the real world consequences of superheroing in a world that is more evil and twisted than any comic universe can comprehend. The violence is graphic, the swearing is viciously funny, the colors … Read More

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THE WITCH

Poffy The Cucumber

The Cult Of Virginality. Finchyyyyy! Ralph Ineson (David Brent’s slimy “friend” Finchy from THE OFFICE) plays the father William in this Olde World old school black magick tale of terror. In 1630 New England, William (Ineson) is banished from his Puritan community with his wife Katherine (Kate Dickie) and their five kids, for being too devout. With William claiming the … Read More

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THE SIGNAL

Poffy The Cucumber

Bending new boundaries with classic old tropes. Two young computer hackers discover a third hacker is sending them enigmatic messages. Chasing down the origin of THE SIGNAL will shatter their reality; will shatter even the concept of what reality is. THE SIGNAL is a dynamite sleeper; a spellbinding tale of extra-terrestrial communication in this modern age. There had to eventually … Read More

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HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON

Poffy The Cucumber

Spanking the Dragon. Should I assume HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON is a sex manual on controlling premature ejaculation? Oh, a cartoon about a Viking boy that learns understanding and tolerance after befriending a dragon. (Still, that blond chick’s pretty hot for a cartoon; ‘scuse me while I train my dragon…) TRAIN YOUR DRAGON is Dreamworks, but like the greatest … Read More

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KISS | Rock And Roll Over

Jon Dunmore

Rock And Roll Over-coaster. he ramrod powerful 5th studio album from KISS, Rock And Roll Over, puts them over the top. Critically acclaimed, platinum status and #11 on U.S. Billboard charts. Without the Western World realizing it, this band from New York (Paul Stanley, Gene Simmons, Ace Frehley, Peter Criss) with the painted faces and the firebomb concerts had become, … Read More

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ANTHONY JESELNIK: THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS

Poffy The Cucumber

Offending at the speed of Jeselnik. With his Quaalude strut, runway model looks, and deadpan delivery as deliberate as a surgeon’s scalpel, the Alice Cooper of comedy eviscerates a San Francisco audience. When Anthony Jeselnik kills, he really kills. This standup comedian, comedy writer (LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON), producer (THE JESELNIK OFFENSIVE), regular roaster on Comedy Central, and plonker … Read More

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KISS | Lick It Up

Jon Dunmore

And on the 8th Day, begins anew the naked journey… ISS – unmasked. No, really! Not like that album called Unmasked where it was just a joke. (Many would call that album a joke as well so, uh – ahem – moving on…) The news of KISS removing their signature makeup would, in a sense, overshadow the fact that Lick … Read More

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KISS | Dressed To Kill

Jon Dunmore

So let’s Write an Anthem Right, and Pawdy Evv-ree Day! s I write, it’s October 2015, and we’ve all read KISS frontman Paul Stanley’s book Face The Music: A Life Exposed — oh, you haven’t yet? I suggest you do, Outlander… … so we know of young Paul’s search for fulfillment, of discovering that fame didn’t bring it, that fortune … Read More

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KISS | Kiss

Jon Dunmore

A Diamond in the Black. n February 1974, the world changed. Some might say, not for the better… They were The Lover, The Cat, The Demon, The Spaceman. KISS had arrived. In a hail of powerhouse rock and roll and a fog of crabby production, the debut album Kiss introduced the world to what would become a seminal influence on … Read More

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SICARIO

Poffy The Cucumber

When Right is Might, and Wrong is Hot Sauce. In the 21st Century, great corporations will bestride the Earth, replacing nations as the true creators of history, amassing powerful private armies to do their bidding. But in delicate situations, they need matters adjudicated on a single day… by a solitary man. — WAR, INC. (writers: Mark Leyner, Jeremy Pikser, John … Read More

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COLIN QUINN: UNCONSTITUTIONAL

Poffy The Cucumber

Deconstructionist Instructionist. Standup comedian Colin Quinn flexes his brain bone – and incites Americans to flex theirs – in this refreshingly intelligent take on the U.S. constitution. Now all we need is for Congress to grow a brain and listen to him. UNCONSTITUTIONAL finds the Noo Yawk raconteur in his finest form. Ever. Always been a fan of Colin Quinn’s … Read More

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SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER

Poffy The Cucumber

A Sweathog Comes of Age. I said a-bar bar bar – bar Barbarino A-bar bar bar – bar Barbarino A-bar bar bar – bar Barbarino You got me rockin’ and a-reelin’ got me rockin’ and a-reelin’ Barbar-i-no!… — Vinny Barbarino, WELCOME BACK KOTTER, 1975 Ever wondered what Vinnie Barbarino would look like on the big screen? John Travolta made this … Read More

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