SUDDENLY 2013

Poffy The Cucumber

Suddenly Unnecessarily. SUDDENLY is the 2013 remake of the 1954 Frank Sinatra film of the same name. But while the 1954 original is a treatise on guns and war and their effects on society, this 2013 remake is a moronic action movie created specifically to give erections to Republicans. Any wonder – it’s directed by Uwe “Toilet” Boll, the groovy … Read More

KILLING THEM SOFTLY

Poffy The Cucumber

The Capitalism of Killing. KILLING THEM SOFTLY opens with scarring sound design and disturbing images of debris-strewn streets, and then launches into the poetry of small time hood-speak. (Mobalogue? Gangsternacular?) Writer-director Andrew Dominik (ASSASSINATION OF JESSE JAMES, 2007) approaches an excellence in his writing and direction that is the closest thing to Tarantino without actually lazily copying him, as this … Read More

YOUTH IN REVOLT

Poffy The Cucumber

A dweeb by any other name… In YOUTH IN REVOLT, ill-defined characters populate a trailer trash landscape, with dialogue trying way too hard to be JUNO. Even Michael Cera is sick of how dweeby he is. He’s willowy Nick Twisp, who invents an alter-ego to be able to find the audacity to break his virginity with the girl of his dreams, … Read More

DATE NIGHT

Poffy The Cucumber

A night to (kinda) remember. DATE NIGHT is an adequate comedy with exactly three high points, about married couple Phil and Claire (Steve Carell and Tina Fey) in a rut; unrewarding jobs, three kids, no sex. On one of their regular Date Nights, they raunch it up a little by going into the city of Manhattan for dinner; at a … Read More

UNLAWFUL ENTRY

Poffy The Cucumber

Creepy Eyes stalks Sexy Eyes and Doe Eyes. Even when Ray Liotta plays a good guy, he’s still kinda creepy. In UNLAWFUL ENTRY, Liotta is unbalanced cop, Officer Pete Davis, who terrorizes a break-in victim, Michael Carr (Kurt Russell), for a piece of Michael’s wife, Karen (Madeline Stowe, who is just asking for it by being Madeline Stowe). So he’s … Read More

OBSERVE AND REPORT

Poffy The Cucumber

Report: C+. OBSERVE AND REPORT doesn’t totally suck. But I can see how people might think it does. If star Seth Rogen‘s career escalates, it might even turn into a cult fave. If writer-director Jody Hill (THE FOOT FIST WAY, 2008) can fine-tune his meandering storytelling style in the future with a bigger hit, it will. This comedy is so … Read More

WILD HOGS

Poffy The Cucumber

On The Road To Nowhere. There is only one good thing in WILD HOGS: Peter Fonda. And he’s a cameo ten minutes before the end. Naif director Walt Becker helms this listless, laughless tale of four suburban friends pushing middle-age crisis who hit the open road as wannabe bikers to taste “freedom” and come smack up against real bikers and … Read More

SMOKIN’ ACES

Poffy The Cucumber

It’s a mad mad mad mad assassination. The logic precept Occam’s Razor tells us that “Plurality should not be posited without necessity.” In other words, “Simpler is better.” But SMOKIN’ ACES fell asleep during physics class and won’t go near any logic precepts. A walloping actioner with way too much exposition, there is more unnecessary dialogue here than in the … Read More

IDENTITY

Poffy The Cucumber

Identity Cleft. More than a murder mystery. More than a psychological thriller. More than a horror movie. IDENTITY is its own special slice of crazy. With most viewers being either misled by this movie’s similarities to Agatha Christie’s TEN LITTLE INDIANS, or just pompously broadcasting their knowledge IDENTITY was inspired by it, they missed the point this was not a “murder mystery” per … Read More

HANNIBAL

Poffy The Cucumber

A few nights ago I accidentally watched HANNIBAL on cable. Surfing with the alien, my remote became my god, channeling for high-grade sewage, while I helplessly stood by and made bagels. (Cream cheese, m’dear?) Settling unnervingly on the couch with kippers and chardonnay, I found I had lost my towel. And the movie only made matters worse… Julianne Moore played … Read More