Choking on the Yellow Thick Chode. Honestly, I don’t know how Zooey Deschanel continues to get work. In TIN MAN, a re-visioning of L. Frank Baum’s THE WIZARD OF OZ, Zooey is ersatz Dorothy, named DG (oh, that’s soo street-cred!), lost in the magical world of O.Z. (the Outer Zone – oooh! That’s even more street!), and aided by three … Read More
POSEIDON
The Boat, The Wave, The Snake. One scene in POSEIDON will live with you long after you’ve dried off and found your land legs: Kurt Russell actually drowning. Literally. In a move that is half-Method/half-Madness, Russell lets his lungs purposely fill with water to achieve what looks like someone actually drowning. And actually drowns! It was arranged that lifeguards retrieve … Read More
RED
Red-Blooded American Funtime. A shoot-em-up, rock-em sock-em age-fest. RED is Bruce Willis, John Malkovich, Helen Mirren and Morgan Freeman; they’re ex-CIA, Retired Extremely Dangerous. You betcha – each of these operatives could wipe out whole cities: Willis with his arctic cool, Malko with his leering morbidity, Helen Mirren with her sexagenarian sexiness and Morgan Freeman with his pompous voiceover. The … Read More
MR. HOLLAND’S OPUS
Mopus Opus. A well-intentioned redemption movie that follows all its formulas sweetly, MR HOLLAND’S OPUS then tries one last tear-jerk that just makes us feel dirty, paying off with a piece of elevator muzak that is so memorable, it will have you humming something else within five minutes of hearing it. Richard Dreyfuss is Mr. Holland, a composer who begrudgingly … Read More
JAWS
A Whale of a Tale. Da… dun… Da-dun… Dun-dun Dun-dun Dun-dun Dun-dun Dun-dun – toodle-oooo (those are the French horns)… When Steven Spielberg first heard John Williams‘s simple, ominous JAWS theme, he apparently thought it was a joke. Now who’s laughing? They just don’t make ’em like this anymore. Matter of fact, even this film’s director, Mr. Household-Name himself, Steven … Read More
W.
Putting the W in WMD. First came RAIN MAN. Then FORREST GUMP. Now, in a long line of congenital idiots, comes W. But wait, Bushies! Do not dismiss this movie as leftie revisionist conspiracy. Director Oliver Stone‘s W. is a fair and balanced representation of America’s 43rd president, George Walker Bush. Insert joke: “which means it shows him as the … Read More
THE AMERICAN PRESIDENT
A Romantic State of Union. “Romantic comedies” have long been relegated to the demeaning stable of Chick Flicks because their sophomoric bent allows them no breadth of intelligence or forays into behavior with balls – pussies browbeat men into behaving like pussies, whilst pulp novella situations play out in a world inhabited by pussified male models and Jennifer Lopez. Director … Read More