STAR TREK: INSURRECTION

Poffy The Cucumber

Insert Erection! The dancing! The singing! The bearded guy in the bathtub! Are we on a star trek or a pride parade?! STAR TREK: INSURRECTION is another example of an excellent idea – and I’m not being sarcastic! – ruined by small screen sensibilities and mediocre production values. The very first TREK movie, STAR TREK: THE MOTION PICTURE (1979), also … Read More

STAR TREK: FIRST CONTACT

Poffy The Cucumber

Unnecessary Racket! Everyone gives Jonathan Frakes more rope than he deserves as a director. No wonder he hangs himself with STAR TREK: FIRST CONTACT. This first true STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION feature film has an illogical time-loop plot, the same half-assed TV acting we’ve come to expect from the TNG crew, and five-time Wimbledon winner, Bjorn Borg. With production … Read More

STAR TREK: NEMESIS

Poffy The Cucumber

Nature vs. Nurture vs. Nemesis. Jonathan Frakes is the most useless, insipid character in the STAR TREK universe. There, I said it. (Send your hate mail to 80 Vanilla Street, Who-Gives-A-Shit, CA, Stardate 2350.) Now let’s talk about useless, insipid movies… STAR TREK NEMESIS is the fourth and last The Next Generation (TNG) adventure, continuing the STAR TREK legacy with … Read More

STAR TREK: GENERATIONS

Poffy The Cucumber

Generation Pap. The Death of Kirk! You know these filmmakers are going to hell for this, right? STAR TREK: GENERATIONS was meant to showcase the TREK TV spinoff, THE NEXT GENERATION; instead, the singular event on all our minds is how Kirk is going to eat it. The Original Series fans would dread the moment, yet obsessively study it with … Read More

ENTERPRISE

Poffy The Cucumber

First Ship, First Captain, First Mistake. Merchandising: the final frontier. With a title theme song that sounds like Trey Parker ululating a poignant 80’s hair-band power-ballad, ENTERPRISE launches Blacula and his vampire cohorts onto the lids of lunchboxes and into comic book and action figure mayhem across the known geek universe. Their mission: To boldly go where no B-actors have … Read More