AVENGERS: INFINITY WAR

Poffy The Cucumber

The Mundane Magic of Marvel. Everyone dies. The End. Audience gape in shock as Star-Lord fade to ashes [ooo-spoilers!], gnash their teeth when T’Challa float away on breeze, cry in anguish as Spider-Man say, “Mr. Stark, I don’t feel so good…” But all we have to do is glance at imdb to see that sequels to GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY, … Read More

SPIDER-MAN: HOMECOMING

Poffy The Cucumber

This ain’t your daddy’s underoos… SPIDER-MAN: HOMECOMING follows the retconned Peter Parker in his quest to become Tony Stark’s bottom bitch. It’s one of the best superhero movies of the modern era, capturing the tone, humor and desires of its hero perfectly. But is nobody going to protest the blatant retroactive continuity on Spider-Man’s suit? I guess not, because experiencing … Read More

CAPTAIN AMERICA: CIVIL WAR

Poffy The Cucumber

Captain America: Bromance War. Captain America versus Iron Man in a battle to the bromosexual. When The Avengers try to stop a terrorist from killing civilians, and end up killing civilians themselves, the United Nations steps in and calls a halt to their devastating pearbottoms. General Ross (William Hurt, playing a character from Hulk lore, in this movie where the … Read More

AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON

Poffy The Cucumber

Blammo Brigade finds Intelligence. Artificially. AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON is not just your same ole blammo-fest with sugarbottom; merely the second movie in the AVENGERS franchise, ULTRON has moved leaps and bounds beyond its predecessor. Yes, there is blammo, but interspersed liberally with morally ambiguous characterization, tentative romance, quiet introspection, self-effacing humor and – that trend in modern plot devices … Read More

SHERLOCK HOLMES: A GAME OF SHADOWS

Poffy The Cucumber

Too mysterious for its own smart. SHERLOCK HOLMES: A GAME OF SHADOWS is director Guy Ritchie’s brash, bombastic, brainy and body-shaved sequel to his 2009 SHERLOCK HOLMES. Holmes (Robert Downey Jr.) takes on Professor Moriarty (Jared Harris) in a battle as much to do with wits as hits. Along with friend, confidant and eternally disgruntled crimefighting partner Dr. Watson (Jude … Read More

IRON MAN 3

Poffy The Cucumber

Phallus Metallus. Hmm, an IRON MAN movie without Iron Man… Kiddies will fidget, parents will cringe, marketers will hit the roof, executives will cower, and fans of good storytelling will rejoice. Is IRON MAN 3 the best of the series? Maybe. Probably. If you could call this an Iron Man movie. All I know is, Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.) … Read More

DUE DATE

Poffy The Cucumber

Iron Hangover. Not exactly the road trip from hell (that honor goes to PLANES, TRAINS AND AUTOMOBILES), but DUE DATE swings so close to hell that you might as well make the detour and visit the gift shop. Kicked off a cross-country airplane flight for causing a disturbance, his wallet and luggage lost, business traveler Peter Highman (Robert Downey Jr.) … Read More

THE AVENGERS

Poffy The Cucumber

Hero-Palooza Shakespearean lightning and thunder arrows, red white and blue shields and golden armor, emerald rage and badass Morpheus longcoat, and Scarlett Johansson’s leather pearbottom. Oh AVENGERS, how sweet thou fury! The god Loki (Tom Hiddleston, Brit-leering and still looking like Data from STAR TREK GENERATIONS) has come to Earth from Asgard to conquer and destroy. And Earth’s mightiest heroes … Read More

LESS THAN ZERO

Poffy The Cucumber

High and Mighty or just Mighty High? Drugs, detachment… disco! Andrew McCarthy and Jami Gertz spend their time looking for Robert Downey Jr. who’s whacked out on drugs and prostituting himself. They find him. They lose him. They find him. They lose him. They find him. He dies. The End. If LESS THAN ZERO is trying to squeeze pity out … Read More

CHAPLIN

Poffy The Cucumber

The Man, The Myth, the Trousers. Robert Downey Jr. runs around like a madman, knocks things over and falls down a lot. (Cocaine’s a helluva drug.) And in CHAPLIN, he gets to do all that without being arrested… Baron Dickie Attenborough’s CHAPLIN is a towering tribute to one of the pioneers of the motion picture industry – Charlie Chaplin, not … Read More

SHERLOCK HOLMES 2009

Poffy The Cucumber

The Adventure of the Hero’s Rebirth. Guy Ritchie’s SHERLOCK HOLMES is not quite a reimagining of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s infamous British detective; more like a punch in the face. An analytical punch in the face. I’ll admit I’m not a Sherlock Holmes aficionado. Matter of fact, of the lifetime of books I’ve devoured like a balrog (and sometimes like … Read More

KISS KISS BANG BANG

Poffy The Cucumber

Lethal Schleppin’. A petty thief (Robert Downey Jr.) finds himself allied with a gay private detective (Val Kilmer) and thrown into a Los Angeles murder mystery. It’s like LETHAL WEAPON if Riggs and Murtaugh were totally incompetent. KISS KISS BANG BANG is a self-aware, wry action comedy, from a book by Brett Halliday (Bodies Are Where You Find Them), directed … Read More

IRON MAN 2

Poffy The Cucumber

Jumping the Stark. The first IRON MAN movie was a planet-crusher. IRON MAN 2, well, maybe it could crush a small moon or something. It’s still a full-fledged, fun-filled ferrous romp, but, like all superhero sequels, suffers from cramming us with characters and classic storylines in its desperate need to impress. My hole feels stretched. Not in that good way … Read More

THE SOLOIST

Poffy The Cucumber

Biting The Hand That Exploits You. When movies address the supposed nobility of humanity (a fiction created by humans) we’ve got to look past the uplifting orchestration to the deep background on what is actually being sold. With THE SOLOIST, we don’t have to look too deep. It’s the story of Los Angeles newspaper columnist Steve Lopez (Robert Downey Jr), … Read More

TROPIC THUNDER

Poffy The Cucumber

Bringing the Thunder. As gut-wrenching as APOCALYPSE, as heartfelt as RYAN, and as filthy as fuck, TROPIC THUNDER is another in the small oeuvre of Ben Stiller writer-director-actor comedies where Stiller goes “full retard” for maximum satirical jungle juice. Action movie juggernaut, Tugg Speedman (Stiller) and a platoon of spoiled-rotten actors (Jack Black, Robert Downey Jr., Brandon T. Jackson, Jay … Read More

IRON MAN

Poffy The Cucumber

Man of Steel, Ethics of Plastic. IRON MAN is a steel-belted planet-crusher of a film; alloy feet on the ground, red-and-gold armor streaking for sub-orbital skies. Based in a reality close to current, like the shrapnel lodged in Tony Stark’s chest, we feel it close to our heart… technology, physics, corporate backbiting, intimate asides… and a self-made hero that speaks … Read More