Godzilla’s own Clone War. Godzilla must battle his own Godzilla clone – from space! But honestly, Godzilla is just an afterthought in yet another movie that uses his name as marquee power to sell tickets. Hell, even his clone seems like an afterthought as he has no objective other than to build a fortress of crystals and stand in it … Read More
STAR WARS: EPISODE IX – THE RISE OF SKYWALKER
Damage Control while Digging a Hole. The older we get, the farther away from STAR WARS we feel. Use the Force and go in young. And you’ll be fine. In the dark, a blue title card on black background: “A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…” Then – fanfare! Stirring our deep innocence memory banks. That John … Read More
SOLO: A STAR WARS STORY
Oh Han, where did you Kessel Run to? What we do in life – echoes in eternity. — Russell Crowe as Maximus, GLADIATOR Just how did Han Solo come by his beloved Millennium Falcon? (He told us in Episode IV he won it gambling.) And how did he get his trusty blaster? (Uh, I guess he either bought it, stole … Read More
STAR WARS: EPISODE VIII – THE LAST JEDI
This is not going to go the way you think! Writer-director Rian Johnson grabs the STAR WARS universe by the midi-chlorians and shakes until you scream Uncle Owen! If ROGUE ONE was a love letter to the Original Trilogy, then THE LAST JEDI is the Dear John letter to J.J. Abrams. Johnson takes such liberties with the concepts and themes … Read More
MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 – SEASON 11
A Season with eighteen years seasoning. Season 10 wrapped on September 12, 1999. EIGHTEEN YEARS LATER, Season 11 is shot from a cannon on Apr 14, 2017. Has there ever been a longer downtime between Seasons than MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000? Technically termed “THE RETURN,” Joel Hodgson (through the magic of Kickstarter and a few thousand fanatic souls) fires up … Read More
MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000: THE RETURN
Playing MSTie for us, like it never went away. From the mind and mouth of madness of Joel Hodgson comes MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000: THE RETURN! After 18 years, and millions of fans gnashing their teeth and milling aimlessly in the American Programming wasteland aimed at the Great Unwashed, creator/ writer/ director/ star Joel Hodgson reclaims the airwaves in the … Read More
ROGUE ONE: A STAR WARS STORY
Star Wars 3.5: Martyrs’ Crossing. It’s always the rogue that excites us… ROGUE ONE: A STARS WARS STORY is the bad boy of the STAR WARS universe. He turns up in his black charger with the heavy metal blaring and he makes our panties moist. Easily boasting the best production values of all the eight STAR WARS films to date, … Read More
STAR WARS: EPISODE VII – THE FORCE AWAKENS
I willfully waited for the fervor to die down. So I wouldn’t have to deal with ubergeeks in Wookiee masks and errant lightsabers up the nostril, while trying to sit comfortably surrounded by idiots wearing Imperial armor or a three-man rancor costume. I succeeded, and EVENTUALLY saw the movie whose hype exceeds its content, in a bare cinema where I … Read More
EX MACHINA
True Intelligence is only an artificial heartbeat away. Somewhere between conscious and unconscious, somewhere between nature and nurture, somewhere between tits and ass, lies… EX MACHINA. Young computer programmer Caleb (Domhnall Gleeson,UNBROKEN) wins a contest to spend a week with reclusive company boss Nathan (Oscar Isaac, INSIDE LLEWYN DAVIS) the inventor of the world’s largest search engine, Bluebook. Flown out to … Read More
CHAPPIE
Slumdog versus Wolverine in REAL STEEL 2: ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE BOOGALOO. Another day, another dystopian future. Neill Blomkamp IS the new Terry Gilliam. CHAPPIE is his third crazed metal masterpiece, pitting idealistic slumdog against capitalistic wolverine. In 2016 (yup, “The Future”!) Johannesburg is the first city in the world to instigate an all-robot police force; humanoid in appearance, unthinking, unfeeling, undiscerning, … Read More
TERMINATOR 3: RISE OF THE MACHINES
Machinery Obscenery. James Cameron had nothing to do with this film. The End. TERMINATOR 3: RISE OF THE MACHINES stars Ah-nuld in his third appearance as the Terminator, his first role since his heart attack and last role before Governor of California. It also stars some hot chick as Robert Patrick trying to kill some guy who’s meant to be … Read More
TERROR OF MECHAGODZILLA
The Tyranny of Evil Men… Mechagodzilla is re-forged by aliens, and Titanosaurus is mind-ruled by scientists, sent to kill Godzilla, who is ass-raped by moviemakers. Opening montage: oh shit! – the American version – we can tell immediately: an American narrator pisses his pants trying to sound cogent during a Boolshit Maximus montage that he is clearly making up as … Read More
GODZILLA AGAINST MECHAGODZILLA
Mega Godzilla! TITLE CARD Tateyama, Chiba Prefecture. A TV reporter being battered by driving rain, describing the tempest. Behind him, the sea roils. As he says, “It’s huge and getting bigger by the minute!” his crew stare gape-mouthed at what’s behind him, rising from the deep: a gigantic creature, spiked back, blackened skin, dinosaurian in aspect. CUT TO A shopkeeper … Read More
GODZILLA VS. MEGALON
Cheese Doodles on Crazy Bread. By the release of GODZILLA VS. MEGALON, Godzilla movies had reached such a level of camp that nothing seemed too ridiculous to put onscreen any more. We are asked to accept such a level of idiocy by the filmmakers, it was anyone’s guess whether they were intentionally driving the franchise into the 1960’s BATMAN ditch, … Read More
MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000: THE MOVIE
The science of silly. I think it was TIME OF THE APES. Or one of the GAMERA movies. Circa 1993. I was channel-surfing and came across some car wreck of a movie, and, like every good rubbernecker, slowed down to see if there was a decapitated head in the street. Before long, I realized there was a secondary audio track … Read More
METROPOLIS
Fritz Lang and Karl Marx had a nightmare-child… METROPOLIS, Fritz Lang‘s stunning 1927 masterpiece on class warfare, is an ancient German expressionist film set in the future – but its message is as current as bank bailouts destroying the world economy. As soon as mankind aggregated into social groups, class warfare arose, and continues – from hunter-gatherers to Utopian futures … Read More
IRON MAN 3
Phallus Metallus. Hmm, an IRON MAN movie without Iron Man… Kiddies will fidget, parents will cringe, marketers will hit the roof, executives will cower, and fans of good storytelling will rejoice. Is IRON MAN 3 the best of the series? Maybe. Probably. If you could call this an Iron Man movie. All I know is, Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.) … Read More
STEALTH
Top Dumb. Uninvolving tale of a hi-tech artificial intelligence warplane that threatens to make human pilots redundant. STEALTH stars Josh Lucas, Jessica Biel and Jamie Foxx as the three top gun pilots the robot plane may potentially replace. Ironically, in this movie, they all act like robots. Part of a secret military project (is there any other kind?), overseen by … Read More
PROMETHEUS
PROMETHEUS Unbound. Shattering sound design, knife-edge visuals, a cerebral maelstrom of startling concepts that will trail you home like vagabond dogs… PROMETHEUS, like the Greek god it is named for, descends on your shoulders with the fire of knowledge and, like the deity’s act of perdition, will leave you curs-ed that your wish was ever granted. Ridley Scott‘s PROMETHEUS, like … Read More
REAL STEEL
Steel with Real Feel. I can’t tell if this is massively retarded, or ultra cool. wtf. –YouTube comment. I’m going to officially declare this movie hella enjoyable. It may not be the Oscar-muncher of the year, but it’s definitely the most fun. And is it coincidence or mild irony that Wolverine is the star of a movie called REAL STEEL? … Read More
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