ROMEO AND JULIET 1996

Poffy The Cucumber

More Comedie Than Tragedie. All I’m saying is: Leonardo DiCaprio should stop being prettier than his female co-stars. In ROMEO + JULIET, snub-nosed Claire Danes bravely steps up to out-femme Leo’s manly prettiness. And fails. Leonardo is Romeo (kinda archly poetic, no?) and Claire is his Juliet. Shakespeare‘s retelling of Ovid’s Pyramus and Thisbe is retold with creative conceptualizing and … Read More

Spread the love
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  

ALONG CAME POLLY

Poffy The Cucumber

Along Came Seymour. In ALONG CAME POLLY, Ben Stiller is yet another dweeby nebbish, Jennifer Aniston, yet another luminous man-toy, carnal love muscle. How do writers squeeze any further substance from these same drop-dead-boring characters? Stiller is Reuben Feffer, depressed after leaving his slut wife (Debra Messing), finding rebound romance in the arms of Polly (Aniston). Adversity ensues blah blah … Read More

Spread the love
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  

CROCODILE DUNDEE

Poffy The Cucumber

From Barbecued Shrimps to New York Pimps and Boyfriend Wimps. Growing up in Australia, I knew of Paul Hogan since the mid ’70s. A regular face on Australian TV with his reasonably funny PAUL HOGAN SHOW, he was the paragon of the ocker Everyman. (“Ocker” is an uncultivated Australian; one of low social caste, revealed through their broad accent and … Read More

Spread the love
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  

MONSTER-IN-LAW

Poffy The Cucumber

Dogwalker Meets Bitch. This movie was just as asinine when it was called MAID IN MANHATTAN. All Hollywood romantic comedies which aim their two heterosexual principals at marriage – will attain that goal. This is a scientific fact. Also a fact is that once the brain-fuzzed couple has affirmed their intentions to marry, all manner of obstacle – from plausible … Read More

Spread the love
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  

THE DOCTOR

Poffy The Cucumber

Sufferin’ Surgeons! Many times THE DOCTOR crouches about to pounce on intrinsic deficiencies beclouding medical bureaucracy, then shies away at almost every opportunity. Imperious and detached doctor MacKee (the remarkable William Hurt) is diagnosed with cancer and is somehow thrown in amongst the rabble (i.e. average hospital patients) instead of being given preferential treatment for being a surgeon. Amongst the … Read More

Spread the love
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  

TITANIC

Poffy The Cucumber

The King Of The World meets The Bitch Of The Sea. Let’s get one thing straight before we embark on this perilous journey into Hollywood History: the only “truth” in this movie is that the RMS Titanic did sink in April 1912 and that Leonardo DiCaprio is prettier than Kate Winslet. Everything else in James Cameron’s TITANIC is marshmallow fancy. … Read More

Spread the love
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  

Y TU MAMA TAMBIEN

Poffy The Cucumber

Putting the “coming” back in coming-of-age. A road trip of self-discovery (aren’t they all?); two impulsive, inexperienced teens, a strife-torn Mexico, several backstories which would kill a horse – and a magnificent rack. Y TU MAMA TAMBIEN (“And Your Mama Too”) reeks of everything that makes an independent film good (full-blooded characters, unrushed storyline and editing, no CGI, and superb … Read More

Spread the love
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  

SPANGLISH

Poffy The Cucumber

Renaissance Sandler. STOP THE PRESSES: Adam Sandler can act! In a stunning demonstration of “playing against type,” Boy Sandler actually portrays a Real Human in SPANGLISH – a well-rounded, successful husband and father, as far removed from any of his other roles as Rob Schneider is from comedy. Playing noted chef John Clasky, replete with neurotically-fit bombshell spouse (Téa Leoni, … Read More

Spread the love
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  

INTERSECTION

Poffy The Cucumber

Gere Up For Double The Love. Whadaya know: if you’re skidding headlong into a death-tastic car accident, and you happen to be Richard Gere, your life does flash before your eyes – well, your love life, at least. If you’re Richard Gere. INTERSECTION is almost a Chick-Flick version of MEMENTO, as Vincent (Gere) reminiscences back through his life of juggling … Read More

Spread the love
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  

JOE VERSUS THE VOLCANO

Poffy The Cucumber

Sacrificial Ham. During JOE VERSUS THE VOLCANO, Tom Hanks’s head took out a restraining order on his hairstyle. His head won the case, which is why halfway through the film, Hanks sports a halfway decent ‘do – the old hairstyle finding a home on Whitney Houston’s head, of which Houston is still unaware. Diagnosed with a “brain cloud” which leaves … Read More

Spread the love
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  

INTOLERABLE CRUELTY

Poffy The Cucumber

Surprisingly Tolerable. George Clooney hasn’t been this funny since he was Batman. Playing smitten lawyer Miles Massey with the graceful aplomb of a suave Jerry Lewis, Clooney takes his pretty-boy image on a fringe journey of impeccable comedic exactitude in INTOLERABLE CRUELTY, pursuing gold-digging ice-queen, Marilyn (Catherine Zeta-Jones playing her usual arrogant C-Word to the hilt). Eschewing “romantic comedy” cliché … Read More

Spread the love
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  

DODGEBALL: A TRUE UNDERDOG STORY

Poffy The Cucumber

DODGEBALL grabs its nuts by the balls. Ben Stiller‘s best roles have been the few that have almost burst his carotid artery through certifiably asinine overacting. (To date, that would only count MYSTERY MEN, ZOOLANDER, and cameos in ANCHORMAN and THE CABLE GUY – add DODGEBALL to that short list.) His early 90s comedy series, THE BEN STILLER SHOW, though … Read More

Spread the love
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  

SKY HIGH

Poffy The Cucumber

The Bastard Offspring of John Hughes and Joel Schumacher. Recall, if you are secure enough in your manhood, those John Hughes films of the mid-80s: perturbed teens discovering themselves blah blah. Further recall, if you dare, the BATMAN franchise under the frivolous wrist of Joel Schumacher: all coruscating color and comic-book éclat. If you’ve an appetite for distraction (and a … Read More

Spread the love
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  

GARFIELD

Poffy The Cucumber

Flat Cat. Although Bill Murray (who voices Garfield) is truly a real-life simulacrum of the smug, under-enthused comic-strip cat, his intrinsically entertaining “character” was – dare I say it? – Lost In Translation (shout, but don’t hit) somewhere between the vapidity of the script and the orange computer blips representing the eponymous feline in GARFIELD. Garfield’s master, Jon (Blandness, thy … Read More

Spread the love
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  

THE TERMINAL

Poffy The Cucumber

In-Terminal-ble. CAST AWAY meets Perestroika in THE TERMINAL, a movie which cannot decide whether it wants to be a drama, a romantic comedy, or just a silly waste of time. Viktor Navorski (Tom Hanks, sporting a darn good “Russian” inflection) alights at JFK Airport just as his (fictional) country of Krakozhia slides into a military coup. As a result, all … Read More

Spread the love
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  

HIGHLANDER

Poffy The Cucumber

Sharp as a Katana, Breezy as a Kilt. There is an important scene missing in the American cut of HIGHLANDER: During World War II, MacLeod (Christopher Lambert) finds an orphaned little girl hiding amongst ruins. When a Nazi guns them down, his body shields hers, absorbing the bullets, and they both fall. In answer to her amazed, “You’re still alive?”, … Read More

Spread the love
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  

SHALLOW HAL

Poffy The Cucumber

When Fat is Phat and Hot Is Not. Q: How much does every woman weigh? A: Too much! — Poffy The Cucumber. There’s a horrible paradox eating at the heart of the movie SHALLOW HAL. Hal (Jack Black) only pursues hot women, unthinking of their other qualities; Tony Robbins (playing himself) bequeaths Hal with a power to “see” a woman’s … Read More

Spread the love
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  

THAT THING YOU DO!

Poffy The Cucumber

That Thing Done Well is a Thing of Beauty Indeed. Snappy and exhilarating, THAT THING YOU DO! focuses on the rise and fall of a one-hit wonder pop group ensconced in British Invasion-era America. Full credit to writer-director Tom Hanks for crafting an entertaining vehicle in which he stars, that he is not the star of – instead making the … Read More

Spread the love
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  

SPIDER-MAN 2002

Poffy The Cucumber

Hangin’ With The Big Boys. Great Scott! They’ve done it right! From the web-woven opening credits to the last strains of the cartoon theme as the copyrights roll, SPIDER-MAN joins the pantheon of underpanted heroes whom the movie forum has portrayed as mightily as their bulging quadriceps (at this movie’s release date, that being only SUPERMAN and BATMAN – the … Read More

Spread the love
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  

THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING

Poffy The Cucumber

The Bling’s The Thing. “Yeh, Woodstock – I was there.” What – as a pair of gametes in two people who were making out while watching Alvin Lee and Ten Years After, you 21 year old peach? Much like Woodstock, John Ronald Reuel Tolkein’s oeuvre has insinuated itself into First World vernacular and most Real Worlders – even if they … Read More

Spread the love
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •