BIRD BOX

Poffy The Cucumber

What You Don’t See… sure can bird you. BIRD BOX is the movie M. Night Shyamalan tried to make with THE HAPPENING. When an unseen entity causes people to kill themselves, a lone woman and two kids brave the rapids to a refugee destination. Blindfolded. The hook in this compelling thriller is so audacious it works: “something” that can’t be … Read More

28 DAYS

Poffy The Cucumber

Alco-bollocks Anonymous. Hey, Alcoholics, Do you really want to be portrayed this way? Not only having to go through the physical pain of withdrawal, the humiliation of prostrating yourself in front of snide voyeurs, the loss of income, respect and friendship, now you also have to endure 28 DAYS representing your rehabilitation as kindergarten for grownups with mental disorders. So, … Read More

THE NET

Poffy The Cucumber

The Future Is Then. Back in the days when having a computer was like having a teleporter, young hacker Angela Bennett (Sandra Bullock, who has a computer at her home and everything!) is sent a disk (wow! A floppy disk! This is like, too futuristic for me to handle!) with an illegal program on it that could allow access to … Read More

GRAVITY

Poffy The Cucumber

GRAVITY is all force, no weight. Isaac Newton can at last rest easy in the grave he’s been turning in since STAR WARS brainwashed everyone into thinking it was a space movie even whilst failing to exhibit one iota of any attribute of being in space. GRAVITY showcases Newton’s laws of gravitation and physics in magnificent ubiquity. It’s as close … Read More

SPEED

Poffy The Cucumber

Driving Miss Dazey. Play the drinking game to this movie, for every time you hear the words, “Hang on!” You’ll end up drunker than Lindsey Lohan. SPEED – an action movie that delivers a thrill a minute, almost as often as you have to take a drink – arguably put Sandra Bullock, Keanu Reeves and director Jan de Bont on … Read More

ALL ABOUT STEVE

Poffy The Cucumber

These Boots Are Made For Stalkin.’ Sandra Bullock is sexually frustrated, lonely and crazy. Oh, and in this movie, she plays a sexually frustrated, lonely, crazy spinster named Mary Horowitz, a cruciverbalist (crossword puzzle creator) for a local paper, with a penchant for red leather fuck-me boots, so anal-retentive and uptight that when her editor tells her to be normal, … Read More

THE PROPOSAL

Poffy The Cucumber

I Do. Not. A vanilla THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA meets an idiotic GREEN CARD. Did Sandra Bullock learn nothing from her 1995 movie WHILE YOU WERE SLEEPING? Here she goes again, blatantly lying about her supposed boyfriend to her supposed boyfriend’s family, to cover an empty life of lovelessness. Predictable? Check. Funny? Check. Cute little white dog named Kevin? Check. … Read More