THE THING FROM ANOTHER WORLD

Poffy The Cucumber

Humans Bigger Dicks Than Aliens. An American Arctic outpost, complete with built-in misogyny, racism, a smartass reporter and military drogues, encounter an extra-terrestrial alien with the constitution of a carrot. And sauté it. Kinda directed by Howard Hawks (in some goofy mixup, where Christian Nyby is instead credited as director), from a short story by John W. Campbell (Who Goes … Read More

METROPOLIS

Poffy The Cucumber

Fritz Lang and Karl Marx had a nightmare-child… METROPOLIS, Fritz Lang’s stunning 1927 masterpiece on class warfare, is an ancient German expressionist film set in the future – but its message is as current as bank bailouts destroying the world economy. As soon as mankind aggregated into social groups, class warfare arose, and continues – from hunter-gatherers to Utopian futures … Read More

APOLLO 18

Poffy The Cucumber

Mare Intranquilitatis. APOLLO 18 is the first true space-horror movie since ALIEN (1979). In this minimalist thriller, two American astronauts in 1972 are sent on a secret mission to the Moon in Apollo 18 – to stop the USSR doing something-something-who-cares-McGuffin – and find they are not alone. For the youngsters, Apollo17 was the last real manned mission to the … Read More

GRAVITY

Poffy The Cucumber

GRAVITY is all force, no weight. Isaac Newton can at last rest easy in the grave he’s been turning in since STAR WARS brainwashed everyone into thinking it was a space movie even whilst failing to exhibit one iota of any attribute of being in space. GRAVITY showcases Newton’s laws of gravitation and physics in magnificent ubiquity. It’s as close … Read More

WORLD WITHOUT END

Poffy The Cucumber

World Without Clue. A rocketship carrying four men on a recon mission to Mars malfunctions on its return journey, entering a time-warp and landing on Earth 500 years in the future. WORLD WITHOUT END is one of those classic 1950s space movies that has no clue that it doesn’t have a clue: a rocket shaped like a missile, four explorers … Read More

ELYSIUM

Poffy The Cucumber

Paradise by the Gashed Gored Light. Elysium (Elysian Fields), Greek mythology: 1) Paradise reserved for heroes to whom the gods had granted immortality. Separate from the realm of Hades, admission was initially reserved for mortals related to the gods. Later, it expanded to include those chosen by the gods, the righteous and heroic. 2) a state or place of perfect … Read More

THE WATCH

Poffy The Cucumber

Don’t WATCH. THE WATCH  is supposedly a comedy. But it’s funny how no one’s laughing. Written by Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg (the dynamic duo that brought us SUPERBAD and PINEAPPLE EXPRESS), this tale of four suburbanites who start a Neighborhood Watch group to catch a murderer, and discover they must defend the world against an extra-terrestrial invasion, seems to … Read More

CLOUD ATLAS

Poffy The Cucumber

Cloudy with a chance of Atlas. CLOUD ATLAS is six incredibly evocative movies mashed together to make one incredibly annoying one. It’s bolder than most movies, bigger than most, intelligent and well-produced, with epic sweep across past, present and future societies, with grandiose performances, seamless effects and what seems like a million hanging threads – until we realize CLOUD ATLAS is … Read More

ALIEN

Poffy The Cucumber

A Little Extra Extra-Terrestrial. The slogan for ALIEN is embedded in pop culture: “In space, no one can hear you scream.” Even so, there’s an awful lot of screaming going on… A deep space mining crew investigates a distress signal from an unchartered planet, and inadvertently takes onboard a malignant alien life form. What could possibly happen next, but grisly … Read More

OBLIVION

Poffy The Cucumber

Oblivious to its progenitors? Up here in space / I’m looking down on you. My lasers trace / Everything you do. You think you’ve private lives – think nothing of the kind. There is no true escape – I’m watching all the time. I’m made of metal My circuits gleam. I am perpetual I keep the country clean. — Judas … Read More

REAL STEEL

Poffy The Cucumber

Steel with Real Feel. I can’t tell if this is massively retarded, or ultra cool. wtf. –YouTube comment. I’m going to officially declare this movie hella enjoyable. It may not be the Oscar-muncher of the year, but it’s definitely the most fun. And is it coincidence or mild irony that Wolverine is the star of a movie called REAL STEEL? … Read More

DREAMCATCHER

Poffy The Cucumber

Same Shit Different Director. So why is it that films made from Stephen King’s stories turn out, for the most part, to be movies that look as if they’d been chiseled out of Silly Putty by escapees from the Home For the Terminally Inept? — Harlan Ellison, Oct 1984, “In Which We Scuffle Through The Embers” (Magazine of S&SF). DREAMCATCHER … Read More

COWBOYS AND ALIENS

Poffy The Cucumber

A shallow ripple in the Force. Is COWBOYS AND ALIENS a boring western movie, or a clichéd alien invasion movie? At some point, I wondered whether it was just a tax write-off for Stephen Spielberg, who seems to have phoned in his producer’s credit on this one. At least he hired Han Solo. A cowboy (Daniel Craig) wakes in the … Read More

FIREFLY

Poffy The Cucumber

Gorram good – once you get past the rutting cheapness. Am I that shallow? Do I only dig Nathan Fillion because he looks exactly like the great and powerful Gale Harold from QUEER AS FOLK? Yes, I am that shallow. Fillion is Captain Malcolm Reynolds, helming a “Firefly class” spaceship named Serenity, five hundred years in the future. And it … Read More

OUTLAND

Poffy The Cucumber

Outland-ish. It’s HIGH NOON in space. Well, sort of. Well, not exactly. Well, not at all. HIGH NOON (1952) is about the dark side of human frailty. OUTLAND is about some space outlaws too stupid not to shoot their cowboy guns in a pressure dome. Director-writer Peter Hyams: he knows the “how” to make a film, he knows the “where” … Read More

THE ADJUSTMENT BUREAU

Poffy The Cucumber

The Unbearable Rightness of Being. They make sure the world is running to The Plan. They’re THE ADJUSTMENT BUREAU and they’re watching Matt Damon’s every move. And adjusting it. All while wearing bad hats. Damon is Congressman David Norris, on a campaign engine steaming to the White House. Then he meets a girl. From Helen of Troy to the chick … Read More

TRON

Poffy The Cucumber

Lethal Frisbees and lighted panties. Greetings, Programs! Welcome to a visual revolution in movies! Though it was the first of its kind, to this day there is nothing that looks like TRON. It’s a piece of unique art frozen in time; released in that transitional period of 1982 when pinball games were gradually being replaced by the black-screen frenetics of … Read More

TRON: LEGACY

Poffy The Cucumber

Spandex Wonderland. My eyes hurt. Can you dial down the neon knights to a 7, guys? When I viewed the first trailers for TRON LEGACY, and saw that Jeff Bridges was involved, it was straight past buzz cool to grade school jubilation, “Ooh man! Yeees, my son!!” Jeff Bridges reprising the role that made his man-area famous for his tiny … Read More

BATTLE LOS ANGELES

Poffy The Cucumber

Who knew battle could be so boring? Extraterrestrial aliens land in Los Angeles and humans battle them. That’s why it’s called BATTLE LOS ANGELES. Creative. Filled brim to barrel bottom with explosions, running, army jargon, and characters we care about just slightly more than the assholes on JERSEY SHORE. It’s as if SAVING PRIVATE RYAN were directed by someone with … Read More

PAUL

Poffy The Cucumber

Kind Encounters of the Close Third. It’s a buddy comedy of the crude kind, a road movie of the chase kind, a close encounter of the third kind! Hey, isn’t that Roger from AMERICAN DAD? Or do all aliens just look alike to me?… Two Brits on a pilgrimage to famed UFO sites in Nevada pick up a real extraterrestrial … Read More