OUTLAND

Poffy The Cucumber

Outland-ish. It’s HIGH NOON in space. Well, sort of. Well, not exactly. Well, not at all. HIGH NOON (1952) is about the dark side of human frailty. OUTLAND is about some space outlaws too stupid not to shoot their cowboy guns in a pressure dome. Director-writer Peter Hyams: he knows the “how” to make a film, he knows the “where” … Read More

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THE ADJUSTMENT BUREAU

Poffy The Cucumber

The Unbearable Rightness of Being. They make sure the world is running to The Plan. They’re THE ADJUSTMENT BUREAU and they’re watching Matt Damon’s every move. And adjusting it. All while wearing bad hats. Damon is Congressman David Norris, on a campaign engine steaming to the White House. Then he meets a girl. From Helen of Troy to the chick … Read More

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TRON

Poffy The Cucumber

Lethal Frisbees and lighted panties. Greetings, Programs! Welcome to a visual revolution in movies! Though it was the first of its kind, to this day there is nothing that looks like TRON. It’s a piece of unique art frozen in time; released in that transitional period of 1982 when pinball games were gradually being replaced by the black-screen frenetics of … Read More

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TRON: LEGACY

Poffy The Cucumber

Spandex Wonderland. My eyes hurt. Can you dial down the neon knights to a 7, guys? When I viewed the first trailers for TRON LEGACY, and saw that Jeff Bridges was involved, it was straight past buzz cool to grade school jubilation, “Ooh man! Yeees, my son!!” Jeff Bridges reprising the role that made his man-area famous for his tiny … Read More

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BATTLE LOS ANGELES

Poffy The Cucumber

Who knew battle could be so boring? Extraterrestrial aliens land in Los Angeles and humans battle them. That’s why it’s called BATTLE LOS ANGELES. Creative. Filled brim to barrel bottom with explosions, running, army jargon, and characters we care about just slightly more than the assholes on JERSEY SHORE. It’s as if SAVING PRIVATE RYAN were directed by someone with … Read More

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PAUL

Poffy The Cucumber

Kind Encounters of the Close Third. It’s a buddy comedy of the crude kind, a road movie of the chase kind, a close encounter of the third kind! Hey, isn’t that Roger from AMERICAN DAD? Or do all aliens just look alike to me?… Two Brits on a pilgrimage to famed UFO sites in Nevada pick up a real extraterrestrial … Read More

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LIMITLESS

Poffy The Cucumber

Full Frontal Lobity. Bradley Cooper takes a pill that makes him even sexier. Now how is that even possible? LIMITLESS is a breezy fantasy about a shiftless writer, Eddie Morra (Cooper), who is given a mysterious pill that allows him to access 100% of his brain, instead of the usual 20%. A super-man tale (or, in the case of Cooper, … Read More

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THE ABYSS

Poffy The Cucumber

Underwater Flying Objects. He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. And when you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you. — Friedrich Nietzsche, Beyond Good and Evil, Aphorism 146 (1886). James Cameron‘s parable about humans in an alien environment (at the bottom of the sea) close-encountering … Read More

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PANDORUM

Poffy The Cucumber

Pablum-orum. PANDORUM is One Great Idea subsumed by all the bloodied action and trapped-in-space mayhem and frenzied filmstock required to hold a modern audience’s attention. But it frenzies up well, which accounts for its style-over-substance cucumber rating. Top-notch set design, direction, editing, all creating a claustrophobic impression of a star cruiser too long in space. Though PANDORUM is rife with … Read More

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LEVIATHAN

Poffy The Cucumber

Levia-Thin. Three words describe LEVIATHAN: Alien, Abyss, Thing. LEVIATHAN is their deformed lust-child. That’s Ridley Scott’s ALIEN (1979), about a team of researchers in space encountering an alien presence; James Cameron’s THE ABYSS (1989), about a team of researchers on the ocean floor encountering an alien presence; John Carpenter’s THE THING (1982), about a team of researchers in the Arctic … Read More

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SOURCE CODE

Poffy The Cucumber

Riding the Lightning Across the (Parallel) Universe. DONNIE DARKO brings his penchant for skipping across parallel universes to the twisted love-child of INCEPTION and GROUNDHOG DAY. Director Duncan Jones (Bowie’s progeny and the wunderkind behind MOON, his film debut) proves that the disturbing resonance and edge-of-seat storytelling finesse he brought to that old-fashioned new tale was not a fluke. SOURCE … Read More

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A TRIP TO THE MOON

Poffy The Cucumber

A Trip by any other name – would be just as hallucinogenic. Well, someone was tripping when they made this. A TRIP TO THE MOON was directed and co-written by Frenchman Georges Méliès, the innovator who took the “moving pictures” to the next level during the birth of cinema. Arguably the first science fiction movie, one of the first to … Read More

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BLINDNESS

Poffy The Cucumber

Looking Good. Here’s an interesting thought-experiment: What if everyone in the world went blind? BLINDNESS unflinchingly explores how humans would deal with the worldwide loss of sight – like a pack of animals. Any surprise? A man goes blind in his car, waiting at a red light. Another man helps him home, then steals his car. Then he goes blind … Read More

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12 MONKEYS

Poffy The Cucumber

BACK TO THE FUTURE by way of BRAZIL. Like BACK TO THE FUTURE II with Biff in charge forever. Another Terry Gilliam dystopian vision, 12 MONKEYS (inspired by French short film LA JETÉE and modeled after Gilliam’s own inimitable BRAZIL), is a claustrophobic, strangling, time-paradox action stunner; like all Gilliam’s films, it’s also completely off the rails. A subterranean Orwellian … Read More

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ANCIENT ALIENS SEASON TWO

Poffy The Cucumber

Under The Gods. Under the god Under the god Ten steps into the crazy crazy… –Tin Machine, “Under The God.” Giorgio A. Tsoukalos is at it again! Still consulting producer on ANCIENT ALIENS; still talking about jaguar priests, messenger angels and ancient astronauts as if they really existed; still scaring us with his ineluctable knowledge, his detailed research and his … Read More

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SPLICE

Poffy The Cucumber

Gene Genie. Y’know, I didn’t watch SPLICE for the raunchy interspecies sex scenes – but I’m not complaining… A gene-spliced organism causes havoc for the two scientists who created it, due to the organism’s predatory nature and the way it was created with the unethical splicing of human genes… but mostly because it looks like a hot naked French model. … Read More

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THE FOURTH KIND

Poffy The Cucumber

Close Encounters of the Fourth Kind: Idiocy. Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence. — Carl Sagan. Someone’s been reading Whitley Strieber’s Communion. And believing it. There are two kinds of hoaxes. The First Kind catches the public off guard with its ersatz authenticity (Piltdown Man, Orson Welles’s broadcast of War Of The Worlds, THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT); the Second Kind requires … Read More

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THE ISLAND

Poffy The Cucumber

Attack of the Clones. You know what they say: Every man is an island. Unless he has a clone. Then he’s an archipelago. Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson discover they are clones living in an underground community, being cultivated for rich people as “harvestable beings” for their body parts. And who wouldn’t want body parts from Ewan McGregor and Scarlett … Read More

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PREDATORS

Poffy The Cucumber

Roaring Ripping Rending Rebirth! At last – the sequel to PREDATOR we’ve been waiting for! With the internet ablaze with derogation over the casting of Adrien Brody in the lead role (purely because action fans cannot comprehend life after Arnold), and the B-movie schlock of the ALIEN VS. PREDATOR movies sullying DVD rental racks around the planet, it would seem … Read More

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VIRUS

Poffy The Cucumber

Inhuman Immunodeficiency Virus. I feel like vomiting and I’m getting a headache and maybe even diarrhea. I’ve either got a virus. Or I’ve just watched the movie of the same name. But here’s the twist. VIRUS isn’t about some little animalcules that infect your blood and make your nose run. It’s about an alien entity that uses electricity for energy … Read More

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