Out with the smug. In with the smugger. The codes of a destructive satellite named GOLDENEYE have been stolen by Russian traitors working with a British traitor, Agent 006, who plans to use Goldeneye’s electromagnetic pulses to cause a global financial meltdown. James Bond must defeat the stronger agent, thwart the runaway satellite, and bang the Russian hotness. new bond: … Read More
The Cramming Chronicle. He’s not the Messiah. He’s a very naughty boy! — MONTY PYTHON’S THE LIFE OF BRIAN. And yea, 6,000 years ago, God did create the Earth. It took him two days, for he was a lazy god. And lo, Adam and Eve did eat of the fruit of the tree of knowledge in the Garden of Eden, … Read More
Home Alone 6: Kevin on Mars. Well, he’s not really a Martian. He’s an Earthling. And he’s overstaying his visit on Mars without a Green Card. Stranded, with not enough supplies to survive until the next crew arrives, astronaut Mark Watley quips: “I’m gonna have to Science the shit out of this!” THE MARTIAN is a striking, intelligent film, from … Read More
Snow Shite and the Repression Dwarfs. Snow White with a unibrow! A retelling of Snow White from the wicked queen’s point of view. Which means MIRROR MIRROR makes as much sense as every other point of view – none. Unnecessary special effects (that are not that special when overused to this extent), intentionally juvenile performances and irritating editing make this … Read More
Where Ethics meets Greed – and Greed wins. An enjoyable thriller about a suitcase of CA$H being found by a young couple. And the young couple being found by the owner of the suitcase. Young couple Sam (pre-THOR, pre-acting Chris Hemsworth) and Leslie (Victoria Profeta) think all their financial troubles are over when a suitcase of cash falls from an … Read More
Attack of the Clones. You know what they say: Every man is an island. Unless he has a clone. Then he’s an archipelago. Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson discover they are clones living in an underground community, being cultivated for rich people as “harvestable beings” for their body parts. And who wouldn’t want body parts from Ewan McGregor and Scarlett … Read More
Precious Little. NATIONAL TREASURE is an old-fashioned treasure hunt, amped with modern technological idiocy, salted with a snide dig at the political laziness of the American people coupled with a sly j’accuse at their insuperably asinine government. Treasure hunter Benjamin Franklin Gates (a characteristically mourning-faced Nicolas Cage, as the descendant of the descendant twice-removed of whatever) must steal the original Declaration … Read More
Plight Planning. BOARDING OUR FLIGHT: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen; our FLIGHTPLAN for this journey involves aircraft designer Kyle Pratt (Jodie Foster), whose life in Europe has been jarred to a halt by the accidental death of her husband (she swears he “fell,” not jumped), prompting her to return to the United States with her six-year-old daughter, Julia (a somber … Read More
The Achilliad. All bronzed bicep, leonine mane and CG soldiery, TROY is a glut-fest of regal posturing and battle-flavored man-stench. Coax golden-skinned, Bally-gymed Brad Pitt into a taut-buttocked mini-skirt for your movie, and Homer’s Iliad be damned. Compressing the backstory of the ten-year siege of Troy into one week, all deities, dogma and details are eschewed for ant-battles between computer … Read More
The Bling’s The Thing. “Yeh, Woodstock – I was there.” What – as a pair of gametes in two people who were making out while watching Alvin Lee and Ten Years After, you 21 year old peach? Much like Woodstock, John Ronald Reuel Tolkein’s oeuvre has insinuated itself into First World vernacular and most Real Worlders – even if they … Read More