SHARKNADO 5: GLOBAL SWARMING

Poffy The Cucumber

Shit-nado. SHARKNADO rained sharks on Los Angeles; SHARKNADO 2 rained sharks on New York; SHARKNADO 3 swamped the White House reign; SHARKNADO 4 made it rain in Las Vegas… and SHARKNADO 5 shits all over the world. Literally and figuratively. SHARKNADO 5 finds shark-slayer Fin (Ian Ziering) and his cyborg wife April (Tara Reid), chasing down a sharknado that has … Read More

SHARKNADO: THE 4TH AWAKENS

Poffy The Cucumber

‘Tard-nado. When Gary Busey is the smartest person in your movie, you’ve got a real fucken problem. Busey is scientist Dr. Loosedentures in SHARKNADO: THE 4TH AWAKENS, the fourth film in a franchise which should be expunged from filmic archives with extreme prejudice for systematically dismantling the intelligence of an American population that is already teetering on the edge of … Read More

SHARKNADO 3: OH HELL NO!

Poffy The Cucumber

Trumpeting Incompetence. When David Hasselhoff is the best actor in your movie, you’ve got a real fucken problem. Clearly preempting a suitable title for any review, SHARKNADO 3: OH HELL NO! takes all that is good about movie-making and science and acting, and shit-squirts it up against the wall like dysentery. Director Anthony C. Ferrante and writer Thunder Levin got … Read More

JAWS: THE REVENGE

Poffy The Cucumber

Vengeance is Rubber. In one respect, JAWS 4: THE REVENGE, is trying to emulate the dark 1977 movie ORCA, about a killer whale seeking revenge for its murdered family. (Ironic, considering ORCA was summarily dismissed as a ripoff of the original JAWS, which it wasn’t.) In another respect, JAWS 4 is simply batshit. Taking it as read that a fish … Read More

SHARKNADO 2: THE SECOND ONE

Poffy The Cucumber

Just when you thought it was safe to get blown… Yeah, it sucks – but it was meant to suck. — Jon Stewart, THE DAILY SHOW. SHARKNADO 2: THE SECOND ONE is one of the stupidest movies you will ever see. Yet from a moviemaking, storytelling point of view, it is actually better than its original. My God! Does this … Read More

SHARKNADO

Poffy The Cucumber

Shark Sandwich. The human race is not worth saving. I’m sure of that now. Not just because SHARKNADO was made in the first place – a non-budget TV movie on the SyFy Channel about sharks being swept up in a tornado and raining down on Los Angeles – but that it somehow spiked in Tweets one night and cable news … Read More

JAWS 3

Poffy The Cucumber

Terrorized by puppets and stock footage. Remember Spinal Tap’s album, Shark Sandwich and its two-word review? “Shit sandwich.” The JAWS franchise reminds me of the PLANET OF THE APES franchise: a stellar opening film that should have remained un-sequeled, but upon box office denoting inevitable sequels, each successive sequel granted less and less funding and talent until the franchise, concept … Read More

JAWS

Poffy The Cucumber

A Whale of a Tale. Da… dun… Da-dun… Dun-dun Dun-dun Dun-dun Dun-dun Dun-dun – toodle-oooo (those are the French horns)… When Steven Spielberg first heard John Williams‘s simple, ominous JAWS theme, he apparently thought it was a joke. Now who’s laughing? They just don’t make ’em like this anymore. Matter of fact, even this film’s director, Mr. Household-Name himself, Steven … Read More

JAWS 2

Poffy The Cucumber

New Shark, Old Story. We know what’s going to happen: you go in the water – you get eaten. Pretty much. A comedian once noted that reporters of shark attacks always sound surprised: “A man was attacked by a shark at the beach today!” Well, how surprising can it be if sharks live in the water? As Quint (Robert Shaw) … Read More