TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON

Poffy The Cucumber

Big things breaking bigger things. I’m sure the budget of TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON could wipe out Liberia’s deficit, so why can’t they afford passable look-alikes for Kennedy and Obama? And while they’re at it, how about a more adept graphic designer, so that when we see a picture of Obama and LeBeouf together, it DOESN’T look Photoshopped?! Director … Read More

TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN

Poffy The Cucumber

The PC-vs-Mac wars escalate. Well, what did you expect? If there is such a thing as “too many effects,” this movie has too many effects for TEN movies. Effects effects effects, for the love of God, effects. Just for the sake of effects. And then for the love of God, more effects. Stir. Vomit. Michael Bay directs TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF … Read More

EAGLE EYE

Poffy The Cucumber

Computer Bluesie, Computer Floosie. The movie Shia LeBeouf makes when he’s in between blockbusters. Still as dumb. EAGLE EYE. Kinda juvenile title, no? After watching the movie, it fits. Shia is Jerry, a shiftless copy boy (sorry, “copy associate”), who one day discovers boxes of CIA-type weaponry delivered to his shoddy apartment (that he is behind the rent on, of … Read More

DISTURBIA

Poffy The Cucumber

Rear End Window. Alfred Hitchcock’s REAR WINDOW for Teen Models. Shia LeBeouf spends the first half of DISTURBIA stuttering his way into the panties of the girl next door; the second half, stuttering his way out of the clutches of a serial killer. Doing time on house arrest, Kale (LeBeouf) eventually turns his bored, binocular perving on the suburban neighborhood … Read More

TRANSFORMERS

Poffy The Cucumber

More Than Meets The Eye-Strain. The CGI prowess in the movie TRANSFORMERS almost makes us forget that this film is for people who still play with action figures. Directed by Michael Bay and his motion-sickness cameras, this overwrought production revolves around the All Spark, a mechanical-mystical cube that has knotted the steel knickers of two races of giant robots engaged … Read More

CONSTANTINE

Poffy The Cucumber

Inconstantine. Beautifully shot in ochre tinge, evoking a mythopoeic superstructure, creative camera bespeaking thoughtful setups and engaging angles, striking cinematography accentuating iconic imagery and mellifluous art direction, it’s a pity CONSTANTINE is such an insensate, half-headed dog of a film. This movie was better when it was called THE MATRIX. Traversing between two parallel dimensions, Neo – I mean, John … Read More