AVENGERS: ENDGAME

Poffy The Cucumber

Deus ex Marvela. The Elevator Pitch: “Think: BACK TO THE FUTURE meets STAR TREK IV – the Avengers travel back in time, to retrieve these McGuffins in the past that will fix things in the present.” And producer Kevin Feige asked, “Can it be wacky, like in BACK TO THE FUTURE where they’re sneaking around their past selves and suddenly … Read More

AVENGERS: INFINITY WAR

Poffy The Cucumber

The Mundane Magic of Marvel. Everyone dies. The End. Audience gape in shock as Star-Lord fade to ashes [ooo-spoilers!], gnash their teeth when T’Challa float away on breeze, cry in anguish as Spider-Man say, “Mr. Stark, I don’t feel so good…” But all we have to do is glance at imdb to see that sequels to GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY, … Read More

PAIN AND GAIN

Poffy The Cucumber

Get Rich or Die Lifting. Colors straining against the filmstock like a 2-sizes-too-small t-shirt straining against pectorals, muscles thrumming like rippling duck butter, and planning as meticulous as a grade-schooler trying to get to second base, the whey-protein dramedy PAIN AND GAIN is a flamboyant recounting of a true crime story involving three Florida bodybuilders who kidnap a wealthy restaurant … Read More

THOR: THE DARK WORLD

Poffy The Cucumber

The Dork World. Does anyone know what is going in THOR: THE DARK WORLD? Certainly not Thor, whose idea of “governing” is punching people. This sequel to THOR (2011) is like watching four grandiose movies squashed into the space of bitches slapping each other in a reality show. Marvel movies have so far been devoid of overwrought prelude backstories. Not … Read More

THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: THE VOYAGE OF THE DAWN TREADER

Poffy The Cucumber

Moulage of the Ripe Cheddar. THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: THE VOYAGE OF THE DAWN TREADER: where characters we care not one whit for embark on a journey we have absolute zero interest in. After two movies, author C.S. Lewis’s epic saga of the magical Narnia universe is going nowhere fabulously fast. And by that I mean, director Michael Apted (THE … Read More

CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE FIRST AVENGER

Poffy The Cucumber

Red, White and Boob. In World War II, a patriotic American weakling, Steve Rogers, is injected with a top secret military serum to become a super soldier. Yes, it’s Captain America! The red, white and blue avenger, in the best comicbook movie of the decade – and by that I mean, it’s lightweight and predictable and aimed at twelve-year-olds. CAPTAIN … Read More

THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: PRINCE CASPIAN

Poffy The Cucumber

The Chronic Kills of Narnia: Prince Hasbeen. Has stupider become the new darker? Everyone thrills at describing how PRINCE CASPIAN, the second movie in THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA series, is “darker” than its predecessor, THE LION THE WITCH AND THE WARDROBE (2005). But they lost me at pasty, delicate, British kids playing pretend “warriors.” I’m just not buying any of … Read More

THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: THE LION, THE WITCH AND THE WARDROBE

Poffy The Cucumber

The Lyin,’ the Snitch and the Whored Road. Four bloodless, pasty-white British kids on an adventure in a magical wardrobe. When I was 13, I loved the C.S. Lewis book so madly that I forced my mother to read it on the train on her way to work every day. Fast forward thirty years, I knew the film version of … Read More